I feel like I don't post much anymore, but to be honest with you when is comes to having a baby or adopting I really don't have anything to say. There is no news, there are no updates, there are no fundraising efforts.....there isn't anything but prayer. But my prayer has changed recently in the past fees months. When Justin got our initial diagnosis as the beginning of the year, we prayed that my body would get its act together and that the meds would work and we would have beautiful hazel eyed, long eye lashed, gap toothed, big eared baby (ha these are some of our best traits). When the meds didn't work and my body didn't cooperate we prayed that God would open the doors to adoption and that the money would come. And that worked, or so we thought. When we realized that didn't work either (well at least now) we stepped back and decided we need to reevaluate things. The first thing I reevaluated was my heart. 

My heart was hurt and so bitter that I found myself constantly saying "can you believe she's pregnant again?" "They just got married and are already pregnant" "they always complain they can't pay their bills how can they be having a child?" And so many other sayings....why did everyone else get a baby and not Justin and I?  Justin and I had a heart to heart one night where I completely broke down to him and how I felt and the lies my own mind feeds me and how no matter how hurt or sad I was the only thing I could think about was our families. You see, Justin and I have come to terms that we may never be parents, and while we never saw our life looking that way, we are ok with it. We are content, because as I read in a blog post today contentment is a choice you make everyday. Life with just Justin and I will be so much and would provide us an opportunity to help our little loves {Ethan Landon and Raegann} in ways we couldn't imagine.  But my heart hurts for them, for my parents, for my siblings, for Justin's sister and his mom. 

I can't help but wonder, if I don't make my parents a Nana and Papaw again, will that be ok? I see how they are with Ethan and Raegann and those two little bring them so much joy and happiness, what if Justin and I don't give them someone who brings them happiness like that?  I bring down these emotions to my mom earlier this week and they are emotions I never thought I could feel, but they are so real, but just hearing {actually reading because it was a text and I couldn't say the words without crying} that none of these defined me and that no matter what I did or what happens as long as I was doing what I loved that was what she hoped for. I think about my dad and how excited he got when we got news about the twins and I wondered if he would be ok if when I came home for weekend visits if I never brought a little one with me. And I think about Cindy and Nick and how great there with E and R and if I never made them and aunt or uncle if we would still be close and if being an aunt to their kids would be enough without giving them that in return.   I go back to the first time I met my mother in law and how she told me "you know some day I want a granddaughter to go with the grandson I already have". I have carried that with me thru Justin and I's whole relationship at first feeling so excited that she thought I was good enough to one day have a child with her son and now that reality is here it hurts as I don't want to feel like I could let her down. {I know that if we don't have kids I won't be a failure to her it's just where my emotions took me}. I think my sweet sister in law and brother in law how faithfully they have prayed for us through this journey and how they knew the pain it comes from and ultimately were rewarded with a precious little man. I think about Brittany and how her only blood sibling might not get to deem her Aunt Brittany, or who knows what kind of awesome name our child would come up with {seriously her son thought of Uncle Mary and that's pretty sweet}. 

But if nothing more my heart hurts for Ethan, Landon and Raegann. I picture family Christmases down the road at mom and dad's house: Cindy and Ryan and the kids show up, Scooter and his wife and their kids show up and then Justin and I...just Justin and I wonder and I think about the questions they would ask "why isn't Aunt Yaya a mommy" "why don't they have kids like Kee and Aunt whoever". My heart breaks a little more for them. I think about sweet Landon and if one day he might ask why when Uncle and Uncle Mary come over they don't bring someone for him to play with like when his daddy's brothers and their wives come. 

So many thoughts have come through my head, different scenarios and how I might react to the.  Then one day I was cleaning and I came across a note that my cousin Brittany had mailed me over a year ago and it mentions how I taught her to still love even after your heart has been completely broken and how she is so thankful that God brought a smile back to my face and laughter to my heart and I sat on my bed and I wept. I was so overwhelmed by how far and how dark of a place God has brought me from that I allowed myself, even if only for a moment, to forget that he will continue to pull me heart through the troubles I encounter. This is just a minor bump in the road. My sister in law reminded me the other day that God has big plans in store for me. So now, my prayer had changed, my prayer now is that God will use my life, my heart, my story in any way he sees necessary. Whether we adopt one day or not as long as I am doing where I am led, I know that all the years to come He will guide my family. 

I'm becoming part of an after school program here in the Lafayette area, few hours a week where I can hang out with kids who don't have a place to after school. I'm so excited to see what is in store here. 

We love you all, we look forward to the upcoming holidays and maybe seeing some of you back home. There is always room on our prayer list so if we can pray for you in any way, please let us know. 

With so much love,
The McMahan's 

The anchor holds......in spite of the storm

I am not in a storm. While my diagnosis may some days feel like a storm....I am no longer in a storm. I've been rereading my blog and it almost makes me sad how negative and almost depressing my posts were. While they were real in how I felt there could have probably been a better vision for what I was dealt - for the road Justin and I were walking. 

I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks just how much your environment can influence your mood. The last several months I was in a very negative environment.....and I'm not referring to my marriage. I didn't look forward to getting up, I dreaded heading in, always on egg shells on how the day would go. I would miserable....and when you're miserable you only think one way.....negative. So instead of seeing a positive glimpse of what this chapter of my story will lead me to....I beat myself up, I tore myself down, I fed myself with so much self hate. It's hard to think positive when all around you is negative vibes and feeling inadequate. 

I made a change - I've been in a new environment for almost 2 weeks now and my outlook has been so different. I'm happy....I smile and I fuel myself with positive thoughts. Why?  1. Because I deserve them 2. Those around me fuel me and themselves with positive thoughts and positive energy. I am appreciated and it makes me look at my life completely different. 

This chapter will tell a story.....it's going to reach another woman. 

September is PCOS awareness month....this disease is not something to be ashamed of....while it sucks totally the only way to find a "cure" or for early prevention and treatment is by awareness. If my first OBGYN would have listened to my concerns I could have started treatment years earlier. So thankful for Dr.Tisch who took my concerns to heart and aggressively found me an answer. 

I will fight for awareness...not only for me....but for the 1 in every 10 women affected by this disease. 

Educate yourself - keep yourself healthy. Surround yourself with only positive people....it really does make a difference. 

The blog title was originally for a different post that never got written....it's not totally relevant to this post but the strength of Justin and I and God stood despite the negative storm I walked for months. 

Raw Emotion......

I cry a lot. I'm not ok. I'm not ok with crying a lot. I cry a lot because I'm not ok. If I was honest with you (those of you I see face to face on mostoccasions) you would know that I'm not ok. I'm afraid to cry in front of people...unless your my husband or my mom or my best friend Holly. I've spent more time in public bathroom stalls this year than ever before. I'm always excusing myself. I have learned the best water proof mascara brands (and I prefer e.l.f). For the first time in my life I carry Kleenex with me - because everyday I need them. 

I should be bringing home two babies later this month or early September. I should be introducing my friends and family to Rowan Keith (named after 2 of the most amazing men in my life) and Annie Ruth (named after the strongest women I know) but I'm not. I should be buying a family of 4 Christmas ornament and a pink and blue "my 1st Christmas" ornaments. I should be buying baby stockings. I should be so overfilled and over joyed with thankfulness as we prepare for the holiday season (I know it's only August but it will be here soon). When the pastor calls students and their parents to the front of the church to pray over them as they start a new school year - I shouldn't have to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because all I can think is "what if that is never me". 

What if I never get to pray over my child as they begin a new school year, what if I never get to post a picture of my adorable child holding their "first day of kindergarten" sign, what if the closest thing to celebrating Mother's Day is an "aunt" card from my nephews and niece (don't get me wrong those cards are my favorite and those kids are my life....but it's not the same). What if I never get to tell my parents they are going to be Nana and Papaw again...what if Justin never gets to tell his mom she is going to be Mamaw again. What if Justin and I never get to tell our siblings they are finally going to get a "blood" niece or nephew. What if Scott and Holly - the couple we asked never get to be Godparents. What if family pictures are always just Justin and I. What if the finances never fully come for an adoption...what if a birth mother never chooses us. What if every adoption fails. 

When does this get easier?  When can I think about the holidays and not be sad. When can I attend family events and not hurt. When will I not think so negatively about myself. When will I stop looking at Justin and I wondering "why us? - what did we do wrong?"

And if it never gets easier and it never gets better - will I be ok with it?  Will I be ok if I was wrong and God's answer is "no"?  Will I be ok if it's just Justin and I forever (this sounds really bad and it's not supposed to because I love my husband more than anything)
When will the crying end. When will the grieving of what I can't have and I can't do stop. When will my bathroom stall visits end?

I want to be ok.  I want to be 100% happy again. Maybe I need some sadness to fully understand happiness. 

Top 10.....

Just thinking about our adoption journey so far and I've decided to list the Top 10 things I've learned through my journey of infertility.......so far!

1. You really find out who your true friends are. People that I once thought would always be there for me, I haven't heard a word from. And although I don't expect all the attention on me a simple "Hi, I'm thinking about you and praying for you" would be awesome, because God knows (literally) that I tried to always be there for them during their struggles. However, in their absence people that I once thought I was mere acquaintances with have turned into my biggest supports and always seem to have an encouraging word to say.

2. There will always be at least one person who can your personal journey and struggle all about them. I don't think this needs any further explanation.

3. People who can have their own children do not get criticized or judged for the things they do, people who choose to not have kids can do whatever they want without people thinking twice, HOWEVER if you can't have your won kids and have declared that one day you will adopt, suddenly everyone is your financial adviser and every penny you spend someone has something say about it. So because my uterus is all sorts of whacked out and my husband and I will have be parents in a different way, we shouldn't be allowed to have any sorts of fun while we are in waiting. As if somehow all the blood work, all the prescriptions, all the tests, all the spent money, all the preparing and all the heartache does not entitle us to some destressing - people really amaze me. Somehow this makes no sense to me??!!??

3. There are people who really aren't a part of your life who think they have a say in how we choose to live our lives and the things we do.  This is really really comical - in all honesty their thoughts on me and Justin's decisions have no effect and I wonder what thought came into their mind that they believe they have a right to make an opinion. (I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but not about my life)

4. I am as emotional as a pregnant woman. I have never cried so much before in my life. Everything makes me a little sad, or maybe a little happy -sometimes I don't know - but I do know that my tear ducts work for sure!

6. Humor is the best medicine. I honestly don't think I would survive if I couldn't make myself laugh through all of this. I make jokes at myself and generally about my uterus but I have survived and I am strong and I am getting through this. Laughter makes any day brighter.

7. I have never believed in myself as much as I have since I've gotten this diagnosis. Some days I feel invincible as if nothing could get me down.  These are the days I long for. I believe that I am capable of everything and nothing can get me down.

8. I have so many people that love me.....not just me.....so many people that love Justin and I.....actually not even just us.....so many people that love myself and Justin and mcbaby. It's really overwhelming.

9. God is closer than I've ever imagined. In the big picture of everything happening around me, God has made himself so open to me, actually I've probably just made myself more open to Him, but it's such a neat feeling. I've had so many more happy joyous days than depressed days.

10. Everyday I feel like something big is going to happen. Even if our chosen day is a few years down the road, each new day is so exciting, because each new day is one day closer.

Words can't begin the express my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for Justin and I, especially during this last month. So many things are opening for us and bigger things are coming into play here in Lafayette. Our hearts are being transformed and it was a renewal of joy, hope and faith that I needed.

We love you all so much

justin&heather

Not forgotten......

I'm welcoming myself back to our adoption blog....I took a bit of a hiatus from it and that was much needed. 

My heart has done a lot of changing in the weeks since our adoption heartbreak. Justin and I recently started attending the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene and we love it. The people are so nice and friendly and welcoming. The services have been great. We really like it. 

Today, the pastor preached on Noah, a common story that I think everyone knows, but pastor spoke on a different aspect of the story. You see Noah spent 40 days and 40 nights waiting....on the rain.....40 days can you imagine??  And hen Noah went 150 days waiting to be rescued and saved by God, waiting to a point that Noah felt abandoned. I think we've all be there...40 days being tested to see if we can survive and then maybe we spent 150 days feeling like we're abandoned by God....wondering where he is and how he could have forgotten us....but then Genesis 8:1 happens.

"But God remembered Noah"

God remembers Noah - he didn't forget about him....even in the darkest days when God felt the furthest away and Noah felt so alone...God remembered him. 

Now I want to challenge you to think about a trial you are going through...for me it's infertility and unfortunately it lasts long past the 40 days of being tested and the 150 days of abandonment BUT...I spent 40 days being tested when this all first started, every blood test, every prescription, every other test that I had, receiving the diagnosis....I was certainly tested. And then - we received the call and we were chosen...for twins actually....we spent money to get necessary things completed, we purchased baby things, we were creating a double nursery....and then our hearts were broken. And I am now in what I feel like is my 150 days of abandonment - I'm in these days because I'm realizing I need some work. But, I look back on Genesis 8:1 and now I see...

"But God remembered Heather"

God hasn't forgotten me....and I really needed to hear this message today. 

So will Justin and I have made some personal decisions regarding our lives and our futures please know that we are still so excited to adopt when the right child is chosen for us....no doors have been closed and we are still in talk with adoption agencies. We just see now how painful  and how quick adoptions can fall through so a lot of things will be a little more private for our sake. 

Pray with us and pray for us as we prayerfully venture through our time of "abandonment" (we know we aren't really abandoned by God but this is where our journey is leading us...like Noah" and continue to pray as we continue to prepare for a child. 

We love you all
Justin and Heather

My last post....

Sometimes I wish there was a way for people to feel the things people close to them feel, the hurt, the pain, the crushed feeling. The joy, the happiness, the gratefulness.....but there isn't and sometimes no matter what the emotion a person is feeling they don't show, the deal with it in different ways.

I wish I could share with you the details of what we went through with the planned adoption I mention in my last post....but I can't. I was asked to keep things confidential for the privacy and respect of everyone involved. I wish people understood that.  Unfortunately, all the work, all the hopes and all the plans for the adoption cam crumbling, right before our eyes, and we never saw it coming.

I wish you could feel the hurt, the pain and crushing feeling Justin and I feel right now.....but you can't and really I only want you to feel it so you understand, but I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.  We are devastated.

The money that so many of you have donated and generously gave we appreciate so much. Justin and I have written a check to send that money to the Tippecanoe County CASA program. A program that will enrich lives of children in our new "home".

This is the last you will hear from this blog.

Thank you for your support and encouragement and love.  For those of you who understand, thank you, for those of you who don't, I'm sorry. I wish things were different.

Justin and heather

A Short and sweet (kind of sour) update

I feel like I'm always apologizing for it being so long in between posts at time, but my heart snd my feelings have been in such a negative place lately that I needed to calm just a little.

I'm going to very vaguely tell you a story....Justin and I were contacted to adopt a baby out of state....we were chosen.....picked and Indiana attorney - we had that paperwork complete......we picked an attorney in that state (for interstate adoptions you have to have one in the birth state to help you get cleared to bring the baby home) - that paperwork was being processed......we had our home study application submitted and our references picked.....we were about to set a date for the study. We were getting rid of things and gathering things for a nursery........our time was here.


The people have stopped communicating with us.....they ignore our texts, they ignore our phone calls, they ignore our Facebook messages......they have shut us out after choosing us.  I know this happens in adoption and I thought I was prepare if it should happen. But I'm not....I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm hurt.....as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like I've lost my child. I will never say anything bad about these people because 1. I don't know them 2. I can't imagine how tough this decision is/was for them.....but I am sad.

So Justin and I are taking a break from the whole adoption thing. We need this break....we got so wrapped up in this situation and honestly, the last thing I want to think about right now is having a child.....I've lost my excitement for it  ( for now.....for the time being......it might return).

Justin and I started trying right after we got married and then shifted right into adoption.....we need our time. It wasn't an easy decision.....but it's something we need. I was making myself so sick from the stress of adoption......we need to get settled more. I don't know why I'm justifying my reasons to my readers, but I am.

For those of you that donated to the #mcbaby fund....that money is sitting in its own account.....should for some reason we not return to the adoption idea we will generously donate the money to another adopting family.

Pray for Justin and I as we get over the hurt, pray that no matter any outcome that we see Gods will in and the His way will always prevail.

We love you all and appreciate all your support. Justin and Heather