Dear Rowan,

My sweet boy - it still seems unreal to me that I am writing my first letter to you - my child - my son - my soon to be first born.  What a special child you are! Will never fully know or understand the depths of the love you daddy and I have for- or how many people in the world love you and are so thankful for you.  Rowan, you wouldn't believe the mass amounts of people that have prayed for you and hoped for you and have loved you from the moment of our first prayer for you.  You may not ever meet all these people - but your daddy and I will try our best to show to you just how loved you are - how many people love and adore you - and just how special and adored you are......by people outside your blood family!

When we found out that we were expecting you - we threw around names for quite sometime. Thankfully you aren't a girl because trying to find a girl name was stressful for daddy and I :)  We knew shortly from the beginning that if we were to have a boy we wanted a strong name - something that you could really grow into.  ROWAN KEITH!  The meanings of names may not be the strongest or the most masculine - but the meaning of the names to us is more than I could ever hope for you.  You see Rowan, you were named after 2 mean that I only wish you would get to meet on this side of Heaven.  While, I truly believe they already know you and you already know them and that they somehow played a HUGE part in you being given to us - the ache of never seeing them hold you is very strong to mommy.  Rowan, you were named after your 2 great grandfathers (mommy's grandpas) and they are 2 of the greatest men I have ever loved and ever known.  As you grow up, you will probably catch mommy cry a time or two as she looks at you or tells you about them, because so much of you is a reminder of everything they were.  The impact they had on my life I will never be able to match - they touched me and inspired me in so many ways.  You are so fortunate to be named after them.  They love you so much - I just know it.

Rowan - my hopes and wishes for you are so grand that it would take me a while to put them into words.  As your mommy and with the help of your daddy we will try our best to teach you love, tolerance and respect.  We hope to raise in a way that you never doubt God's love for you or our love for you. We want only life's greatest moments for you - we know that obstacles will come and I hope you never forget we are always on your side.  We not always agree with your actions or your decisions - we love you no matter what. So many great men in your life Rowan that I hope you will have parts of them in the man you one day become.

I hope you are stubborn and strong headed like your great grandpa Krisher (Neil ROWAN) - but only when it comes to things you believe in. Like, him I hope you find your passions and your believes and never let anyone stray you from them - although I hope you keep an open mind that not everyone will value the same things you do - and that's ok - one of the great things in America is we are all entitled to our own opinions and values as long as work together for the greater good.  Rowan, like your great grandpa Krisher I hope you like Jesus more than any other - I hope you see the greater plan for your life and know that His way is always the best way - I hope your build a strong relationship with Jesus that leaves  light shining the others want to know what it is about you and leaves them searching for Jesus as well. Rowan, I hope you reach a point in your life, like grandpa Krisher where the idea of Heaven is so much greater than the pain and suffering of Earth (although I hope this is a long long long long time from now...like when your 100 :) )

I hope you find the humor in life like your great grandpa Ehrhart (Robert KEITH) - I hope you laugh at everything and make jokes to see others smile.  This was one of my favorite things about grandpa Ehrhart - he always found the funny side of any situation.  I hope that you will do anything for anyone - no matter their story and no matter their circumstance - I hope you try to see the good in people.  Rowan, maybe you will find a love for crossword puzzles, black coffee and fried egg sandwiches with mustard (mommy loves 2 of the 3 and one of them is not crossword puzzles)

I may be a little biased - but Rowan, your papaw is one of the greatest guys you will ever meet in your life - seriously!  Mommy couldn't always say that as there was a time when papaw wasn't my favorite person - but he is now - at least one of my favorites!  I hope you are a worker like he is - he may not always enjoy his job - but he always shows up and he always gives 100% - you won't see him call in.  What you will see is him give so much attention to you - I wish you could have seen his face when mommy told him she was expecting you - he is so excited.  Papaw will be one of your biggest fans, he will practice sports with you, he will try to be at grandparents day with you, he will probably buy you your first bowling ball and I can almost guarantee that he will sing "you are my sunshine" to you a time or two.....or 1,000.

But most of all - I hope you are everything your daddy is.  I hope you have his sense of humor (and I say that with a lot of reservation - lol) your daddy can always make me laugh and most people around him!  I hope you are a dedicated and hard worker - what you will find is that daddy works for the railroads and often times has to stay over night in over cities - but don't for a second ever think daddy doesn't miss you when he is gone.  He is so excited for you to get here - to have a son and to do father/son activities with you.  I can guarantee that when daddy is home you will have all of his attention.  He is looking forward to you playing sports and taking you to football games.  I hope you love life like he does - always up for an adventure and easily makes friends - I haven't found anyone yet that doesn't enjoy being around daddy. Most of all I hope you are everything he is.

My first letter to you turned into a novel :)  But I have so much to say!  Above anything you ever read, ever hear or ever feel - know you are loved more than life.  We prayed for you Rowan - we hoped for you and we have loved from before there was ever a thought of you.  ou are more special than mommy or daddy will ever be able to express.

We are half way there to meeting you!!

Love always,
Mom :)

I can't believe I am typing....

Never in a million years - did I think I would be typing a blog post telling you how we found out that we were expecting a baby!

Oh - you're not my facebook friend? You didn't hear the news? Ha, my husband and I have kicked infertility's butt and are expecting a little miracle in August!

So how did it happen you ask?? - that's not exactly a conversation I'm comfortable having on a blog post ;) - but how did we find out?? Because let's face it after months and months of let downs you kind of get tired of peeing on a stick....so this is how we came to find out or little one was on it's way.......

First let me start by saying that we saw a fertility specialist (or is it an infertility specialist???) I'm not really sure - BUT we saw him on December 10th - now being baby crazed lunatic I have become I took two test - 1 the morning of the appointment and 1 a couple days before the appointment. Both BIG FAT NEGATIVES - so no worry I was expecting this - I mean there had to be a reason we were seeing a fertility/infertility specialist.

So about a week before Christmas I started having terrible hip pains and that had me limping - which really isn't all that strange because I have a history of osteoate osteoma (for medical terminology stupid people like me - it's basically like a tissue "tumor" in my hip joint) sometimes my pelvic bone rotates forward and when it does that my hip joint grinds on this tumor when I walk - painful - yes!  Ok so all that to say - I knew I needed a muscle relaxer but new my family doctor wouldn't just write me one without having it x-rayed.  So the day after Christmas (very late at night) I finally talked myself into going to the ER and had my mom go with me.

Got through the registration and all the fun information in the room (without being asked about my last cycle - because that was the 1 reason I wouldn't go to the ER....I couldn't stand to tell them my last cycle was October but NO I wasn't pregnant).  Finally the nice gentleman (who my mom and I both knew) came in to get me for my x-ray - the follow conversation happened in the x-ray room (S=Shannon the x-ray tech  H=me obviously)

S- what are we x-raying today
H- my right hip
S- any chance you could be pregnant? *gulp*
H- ummm I want to say maybe but due to issues I am 98% positive I am not
S- do you want to take a test just in case?
H - no not really
S - ok *begins clearing off the table with a strange look on his face*
H - would it make you feel better if I took a test?
S - yes because if you happen to be it's first trimester and I can't protect it from the rays
H- ok fine

So he wheels me back to my room and in comes the nurse - to which the follow conversation happened

H - could you do me a favor?
K - sure, what you want girl? (ha I use to work in this ER so I know everyone)
H - if it's negative can you just not tell me? I can't hear it outloud
K - ok, but honey you're young you have plenty of time

Clearly she doesn't know my history.  Few minutes later there was a knock on the door - my mother and I assumed it was the x-ray tech (although I was expecting a negative test it still hurt a little.....or a lot) in came walking the doctor, to which I assumed that the nurse didn't tell her my request.  The doctor pulled up a stool and noted the next line:

Doctor: Well good news and bad news, bad news is we can't x-ray your hip, good news is honey you are pregnant. That test turned positive right away.

After that I know there was crying and more interacting and all that fun stuff - but I really don't remember too much more.

All I know is right now our baby is very healthy, very happy and growing as it should :)  Heartbeat is steady and Justin and I are over the moon excited.  I always knew that if it was to happen God was much bigger than any medical diagnosis.  Not sure if it was that one extra prayers - or perhaps my grandfather's had a talk with the Big Guy upstairs.

Whatever it was - Justin and I thank you all for the prayers you said for us - for your support and part of our journey so far.  It's not over - this baby has to know about all the people that loves them so much and has hoped for, wished for and prayed for their arrival.

With even more love than usual,

Justin, Heather and Baby McMahan

A Whole Year in ONE Word.......

ever since I was in college at some point in December I would write a "note" (way back when facebook had notes)...or an email, or blog post or something to recap the year that was coming to an end. We are one week into december and before we know it 2014 will be over....I started thinking today about my post to recap this year and I'm not sure that I can do it. There are too many emotions, too many dark places, too many valleys that I would rather not go back throug because God has brought me so far this year. 

If you follow along any of my social media sites you see my heart and you see my journey....and 2014 as been a long journey but as I think back through the year I can sum up the ENTIRE year in ONE word 

OVERWHELMING!

Let me explain a little....in January we packed up our lives and moves to a foreign (to us) place and I hated everything about Lafayette....I hated, couldn't stand it, couldn't wait to move again. In February I started a job that ended up being close to what I imagine hell being like (with the exception of a few good people) and Justin and I received out infertility diagnosis. Just the first two months alone were more overwhelming that I think I could handle again. I hated where I was and I was handed devastating news - most of our month of March we spiraled in grief and what we do and what our next step would be......the month of April we started discussing adoption and looking into what it entailed....but job continued to get worse and I was a bitter and nasty person.....my heart was so bad. I was overwhelmed but the process and the finances it was going to take for us to be parents and I was overwhelmed by how my job was affecting my attitude.....in a not so good way. 

In May we made the decision to move forward with adoption and we were so excited and we felt so overwhelmed that God would choose us for this.....we prayed and we prepared. At the end of May we were contacted about the adoption of twins that were to be born at the end of the summer and we were ecstatic.....but then June came and the adoption fell through and the pain that stabbed my heart left me breathless. I knew a change needed to come as I couldn't continue to live like this. 

End of the overwhelmingly heart breaking and terrible first 1/2 to 2014

In July I decided I would tryout the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene....and from that first Sunday Pastor Troy has preached right to my heart....I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of peace that God's hand was in all of this.....and the storms of the months before would soon pass. In August I was offered a new position at Purdue and I was finally walking I to something so much better. 

My new position at work has done so much for my confidence, I have a team of co-workers who encourage me, who believe in me and who support me. My boss actually appreciates me and believes in me and my work. I met some amazing people through the church and a group of ladies and I walked through a Bible Study a out our raw emotions. I met women who are currently walking the same journey as me and I met women who once walked the same journey as me......and God he chiseled away all my dark and bitter hard places. 

And suddenly I was so overwhelmed by God and hi grace, and his mercy and his plan that I fell in love with Lafayette. 

You see in these last moments of my heart being transformed.....I have found peace. In November I said "until a later day" to my handsome grandfather and peace of knowing he was in such a better place made the ache of his absence a little easier to manage. 

And as for December....well we have a big week this week. A week full of anxiety, stress, prayers and uncertainties.....but I know that God has not brought us this far to leave us now. I've never seen so much transformation in 1 year. It's certainly been an emotional year.....good and bad......and spiritually it's been an exciting year. 

So 2014.....thank you.....you have tested me, you have encouraged me, you and strengthened me and above all else you have overwhelmed me. I hope you all have had a good year - may you all know the love and peace of Chrit as we prepare to celebrate His birth and enter into a new year. 

With so much love and early Christmas blessings,

Justin and Heather McMahan

In ALL things give thanks......

Thanksgiving is almost here and that makes my heart so happy. It's my favorite day of the year. While I am so aware, and I try so hard, to thankful and grateful more days throughout the year, to be able to sit around a table or living room surrounded by those we love so dearly and reflect on the things that have made a lasting memory over the past year brings a certain kind of warmth. This year, 2014, is a weird kind of thankful for my heart this year. 

We moved to Lafayette in January and I hated every moment of it.  I hated our first apartment, I hate having no friends and no family near by, I hated my job. I hated a very nasty and hateful heart and it was a nasty time. Months later God provided us a new, nicer, bigger, safer apartment.  We got connected with LFCN and I have developed friendships with some amazing and beautiful ladies  and I got a new position at Purdue that is exactly where I need to be right now. 

In March Justin and I received news that by doctor's standards, test results and failed pregnancy tests month after month, that we are unable to have our own children.  In June we were contacted about an adoption for twins and then that failed. But what God brought to me through those dark dark months and the still quiet moments is a heart to love the children around me. To cuddle with and hug on my nephews and Niece a little longer. To cradle and hold the newborns of church friends. To offer friends a night out in exchange for me to love on their kids (this paragraph might sound weird but it really is nothing strange....I just love kids). 

A couple weeks ago, we buried my sweet 88 year old grandfather and hearts were (and still are) sad but God gave our family the sense of peace, my grandfather gained Heaven quietly in his sleep, no suffering, no desperate measures. God gave him the greatest reward, and how can you. It be thankful for that. 

I spent many days and many moments throwing myself a pity party, dwelling in the crap that was dealt to me that I never took a moment to see all that I had and all the work that God was doing. 

I am so thankful for this journey of infertility (weird I know) because it is teaching me my own strength. It has taught me to love myself and that I am enough, regardless of how my body or looks or how it does or doesn't function. 

I am so thankful for Lafayette and all the opportunities it has opened for me. It lead us to LFCN at just the right sermon series and co to use to provides a weekly fuel we need. It also led me a Bible Study that I am most certainly thankful for as I have met beautiful ladies to support me in my journey. Ladies to pray over of victories and pray with us throw our failures. 

I am so thankful for Purdue (never in a million years thought I would say that) it provided me a chance to stand up for myself and to realize that your environment can really affect your mood and mindset. But I'm ever grateful for Purdue for this current opportunity to serve as a supervisor to college students. To be a role model for them and especially thankful for a boss who values her workers and builds the, up instead of continually tear them down. 

I am so thankful for my whole family and my friends. For my husband who works so hard for us but when he is home makes sure to "be there" for me. He wears so many hats and at times I have not appreciated him like I should, but this year has been such a building block for our marriage - which is one thing I can't be thankful enough for. 

My friends my prayer for you is that you take the time to really reflect on all the blessings you have to be thankful for. There is so much sadness and and hurt and hate in this world, but if we truly take a moment to look and all our hearts to be open to the beauty, there is so much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for all of you - may you and your family have a grateful and joyous Thanksgiving. 

The McMahan's

Chisel away....

So for those of you that are my friend (or possibly stalker) on Facebook you've seen a couple of my posts regarding the Bible Study I've recently started with 7 other women from the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene.  We are currently making our way through Unglued:Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst   If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it and I've only completed the first 2 chapters.  It is an excellent read for all women, because let's face it our emotion are ridiculous and little and very big things can make us come unglued.

We dove into the second chapter of the study last night and in this chapter Lysa discusses Michelangelo and his sculpture "David"' and the work he did to complete this structure despite any criticism or setbacks and how day in and day out Michelangelo worked faithfully on the sculpture and slept by it at night, chiseling away at the parts that 'weren't David".  With a lot of very insightful and intelligent word Lysa tied this in to the masterpiece we are and how we are crafted individually by God's own work. Lysa talks about how God gives us hard places not to make us come unglued but to show us where God still needs to chisel away at us and our emotions.

During this video and thinking of the past week and my not so fine moment of coming unglued I started getting that feeling that I can only assume was God tugging at me and making me very aware that I needed to speak and share about the evident Grace and chisel work that has taken place in me.  My stomach was in a knot ( you know that whole I'm going to be sick feeling), my heart was racing and I could have sworn it was about 100 degrees in Shari's living room. Shari asked in the most recent week do we have any examples of how God has chiseled away at us or shown us areas where we need chiseling?  I hesitated for a moment, because honestly in the group of women, Shari is the only one who has any clue as to the journey Justin and I have walked this year and it's been refreshing to get to know people who don't totally know us, but it's hard to talk about the work of God and the grace and mercy from God, if you're not willing to discuss how God has shown or done those things to and through you.........and so I spoke!

With only the slightest (ha) of tears... "I can't believe I'm really about to share any of this, but to make a long story short, Justin and I found out at the beginning of the year that we couldn't have kids and it's been a long year and I've found myself in some very dark places and some twisted self thoughts, I didn't think I was going to be good enough for my husband anymore, or my parents or our families. This past Tuesday some close to me announced they were expecting and they've only been married a short time and I came unglued, I went off and told them I didn't care about the pregnancy and I didn't want to talk about it (I really don't care or want to talk about but there is more to that).  I left work and told Justin that I was going home to throw myself a pity party and I did, for a short time.  I decided to pick up this book and read the next chapter to prepare for today and then I was so overwhelmed but how God has shown me grace and how much he has chiseled away at the hard place in past couple of months.  Earlier this month when we had the baby dedication at church I was able to sit through and not cry and not excuse myself.  In August when Pastor Troy called students and their parents to the front I excused myself because all I could think was "what if that's never me?" But it hasn't been like that recently and I was reminded just how much work has been and is still being done on me."

End cry fest and talk and talk session, insert immediate awkward feeling expecting to be judged and stared at......nope I was wrong, I got smiles and hugs and encouragement and prayer.  I hit a moment that I really needed......I need women that I could express a few feelings to and I needed a reminder that God is so so good and in the midst of our pity parties, his grace is there and like Michelangelo with the David sculpture, God never leaves our side and He won't until we are finished, and when we are finished we will gain our reward of Heaven.  Isn't this a comforting thought?

After Bible Study I was connected with someone who said to me "thank you for being willing to share your story, I am currently walking the same journey."

All I could do is hug them and pray for them......because suddenly I saw why Justin and I were sent to Lafayette and why I had to wait this long for God to start the chiseling.

In moments when you feel like coming unglued take a deep breath and repeat "Oh God, chisel away"

I feel like I don't post much anymore, but to be honest with you when is comes to having a baby or adopting I really don't have anything to say. There is no news, there are no updates, there are no fundraising efforts.....there isn't anything but prayer. But my prayer has changed recently in the past fees months. When Justin got our initial diagnosis as the beginning of the year, we prayed that my body would get its act together and that the meds would work and we would have beautiful hazel eyed, long eye lashed, gap toothed, big eared baby (ha these are some of our best traits). When the meds didn't work and my body didn't cooperate we prayed that God would open the doors to adoption and that the money would come. And that worked, or so we thought. When we realized that didn't work either (well at least now) we stepped back and decided we need to reevaluate things. The first thing I reevaluated was my heart. 

My heart was hurt and so bitter that I found myself constantly saying "can you believe she's pregnant again?" "They just got married and are already pregnant" "they always complain they can't pay their bills how can they be having a child?" And so many other sayings....why did everyone else get a baby and not Justin and I?  Justin and I had a heart to heart one night where I completely broke down to him and how I felt and the lies my own mind feeds me and how no matter how hurt or sad I was the only thing I could think about was our families. You see, Justin and I have come to terms that we may never be parents, and while we never saw our life looking that way, we are ok with it. We are content, because as I read in a blog post today contentment is a choice you make everyday. Life with just Justin and I will be so much and would provide us an opportunity to help our little loves {Ethan Landon and Raegann} in ways we couldn't imagine.  But my heart hurts for them, for my parents, for my siblings, for Justin's sister and his mom. 

I can't help but wonder, if I don't make my parents a Nana and Papaw again, will that be ok? I see how they are with Ethan and Raegann and those two little bring them so much joy and happiness, what if Justin and I don't give them someone who brings them happiness like that?  I bring down these emotions to my mom earlier this week and they are emotions I never thought I could feel, but they are so real, but just hearing {actually reading because it was a text and I couldn't say the words without crying} that none of these defined me and that no matter what I did or what happens as long as I was doing what I loved that was what she hoped for. I think about my dad and how excited he got when we got news about the twins and I wondered if he would be ok if when I came home for weekend visits if I never brought a little one with me. And I think about Cindy and Nick and how great there with E and R and if I never made them and aunt or uncle if we would still be close and if being an aunt to their kids would be enough without giving them that in return.   I go back to the first time I met my mother in law and how she told me "you know some day I want a granddaughter to go with the grandson I already have". I have carried that with me thru Justin and I's whole relationship at first feeling so excited that she thought I was good enough to one day have a child with her son and now that reality is here it hurts as I don't want to feel like I could let her down. {I know that if we don't have kids I won't be a failure to her it's just where my emotions took me}. I think my sweet sister in law and brother in law how faithfully they have prayed for us through this journey and how they knew the pain it comes from and ultimately were rewarded with a precious little man. I think about Brittany and how her only blood sibling might not get to deem her Aunt Brittany, or who knows what kind of awesome name our child would come up with {seriously her son thought of Uncle Mary and that's pretty sweet}. 

But if nothing more my heart hurts for Ethan, Landon and Raegann. I picture family Christmases down the road at mom and dad's house: Cindy and Ryan and the kids show up, Scooter and his wife and their kids show up and then Justin and I...just Justin and I wonder and I think about the questions they would ask "why isn't Aunt Yaya a mommy" "why don't they have kids like Kee and Aunt whoever". My heart breaks a little more for them. I think about sweet Landon and if one day he might ask why when Uncle and Uncle Mary come over they don't bring someone for him to play with like when his daddy's brothers and their wives come. 

So many thoughts have come through my head, different scenarios and how I might react to the.  Then one day I was cleaning and I came across a note that my cousin Brittany had mailed me over a year ago and it mentions how I taught her to still love even after your heart has been completely broken and how she is so thankful that God brought a smile back to my face and laughter to my heart and I sat on my bed and I wept. I was so overwhelmed by how far and how dark of a place God has brought me from that I allowed myself, even if only for a moment, to forget that he will continue to pull me heart through the troubles I encounter. This is just a minor bump in the road. My sister in law reminded me the other day that God has big plans in store for me. So now, my prayer had changed, my prayer now is that God will use my life, my heart, my story in any way he sees necessary. Whether we adopt one day or not as long as I am doing where I am led, I know that all the years to come He will guide my family. 

I'm becoming part of an after school program here in the Lafayette area, few hours a week where I can hang out with kids who don't have a place to after school. I'm so excited to see what is in store here. 

We love you all, we look forward to the upcoming holidays and maybe seeing some of you back home. There is always room on our prayer list so if we can pray for you in any way, please let us know. 

With so much love,
The McMahan's 

The anchor holds......in spite of the storm

I am not in a storm. While my diagnosis may some days feel like a storm....I am no longer in a storm. I've been rereading my blog and it almost makes me sad how negative and almost depressing my posts were. While they were real in how I felt there could have probably been a better vision for what I was dealt - for the road Justin and I were walking. 

I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks just how much your environment can influence your mood. The last several months I was in a very negative environment.....and I'm not referring to my marriage. I didn't look forward to getting up, I dreaded heading in, always on egg shells on how the day would go. I would miserable....and when you're miserable you only think one way.....negative. So instead of seeing a positive glimpse of what this chapter of my story will lead me to....I beat myself up, I tore myself down, I fed myself with so much self hate. It's hard to think positive when all around you is negative vibes and feeling inadequate. 

I made a change - I've been in a new environment for almost 2 weeks now and my outlook has been so different. I'm happy....I smile and I fuel myself with positive thoughts. Why?  1. Because I deserve them 2. Those around me fuel me and themselves with positive thoughts and positive energy. I am appreciated and it makes me look at my life completely different. 

This chapter will tell a story.....it's going to reach another woman. 

September is PCOS awareness month....this disease is not something to be ashamed of....while it sucks totally the only way to find a "cure" or for early prevention and treatment is by awareness. If my first OBGYN would have listened to my concerns I could have started treatment years earlier. So thankful for Dr.Tisch who took my concerns to heart and aggressively found me an answer. 

I will fight for awareness...not only for me....but for the 1 in every 10 women affected by this disease. 

Educate yourself - keep yourself healthy. Surround yourself with only positive people....it really does make a difference. 

The blog title was originally for a different post that never got written....it's not totally relevant to this post but the strength of Justin and I and God stood despite the negative storm I walked for months.