Top 10.....

Just thinking about our adoption journey so far and I've decided to list the Top 10 things I've learned through my journey of infertility.......so far!

1. You really find out who your true friends are. People that I once thought would always be there for me, I haven't heard a word from. And although I don't expect all the attention on me a simple "Hi, I'm thinking about you and praying for you" would be awesome, because God knows (literally) that I tried to always be there for them during their struggles. However, in their absence people that I once thought I was mere acquaintances with have turned into my biggest supports and always seem to have an encouraging word to say.

2. There will always be at least one person who can your personal journey and struggle all about them. I don't think this needs any further explanation.

3. People who can have their own children do not get criticized or judged for the things they do, people who choose to not have kids can do whatever they want without people thinking twice, HOWEVER if you can't have your won kids and have declared that one day you will adopt, suddenly everyone is your financial adviser and every penny you spend someone has something say about it. So because my uterus is all sorts of whacked out and my husband and I will have be parents in a different way, we shouldn't be allowed to have any sorts of fun while we are in waiting. As if somehow all the blood work, all the prescriptions, all the tests, all the spent money, all the preparing and all the heartache does not entitle us to some destressing - people really amaze me. Somehow this makes no sense to me??!!??

3. There are people who really aren't a part of your life who think they have a say in how we choose to live our lives and the things we do.  This is really really comical - in all honesty their thoughts on me and Justin's decisions have no effect and I wonder what thought came into their mind that they believe they have a right to make an opinion. (I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but not about my life)

4. I am as emotional as a pregnant woman. I have never cried so much before in my life. Everything makes me a little sad, or maybe a little happy -sometimes I don't know - but I do know that my tear ducts work for sure!

6. Humor is the best medicine. I honestly don't think I would survive if I couldn't make myself laugh through all of this. I make jokes at myself and generally about my uterus but I have survived and I am strong and I am getting through this. Laughter makes any day brighter.

7. I have never believed in myself as much as I have since I've gotten this diagnosis. Some days I feel invincible as if nothing could get me down.  These are the days I long for. I believe that I am capable of everything and nothing can get me down.

8. I have so many people that love me.....not just me.....so many people that love Justin and I.....actually not even just us.....so many people that love myself and Justin and mcbaby. It's really overwhelming.

9. God is closer than I've ever imagined. In the big picture of everything happening around me, God has made himself so open to me, actually I've probably just made myself more open to Him, but it's such a neat feeling. I've had so many more happy joyous days than depressed days.

10. Everyday I feel like something big is going to happen. Even if our chosen day is a few years down the road, each new day is so exciting, because each new day is one day closer.

Words can't begin the express my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for Justin and I, especially during this last month. So many things are opening for us and bigger things are coming into play here in Lafayette. Our hearts are being transformed and it was a renewal of joy, hope and faith that I needed.

We love you all so much

justin&heather

Not forgotten......

I'm welcoming myself back to our adoption blog....I took a bit of a hiatus from it and that was much needed. 

My heart has done a lot of changing in the weeks since our adoption heartbreak. Justin and I recently started attending the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene and we love it. The people are so nice and friendly and welcoming. The services have been great. We really like it. 

Today, the pastor preached on Noah, a common story that I think everyone knows, but pastor spoke on a different aspect of the story. You see Noah spent 40 days and 40 nights waiting....on the rain.....40 days can you imagine??  And hen Noah went 150 days waiting to be rescued and saved by God, waiting to a point that Noah felt abandoned. I think we've all be there...40 days being tested to see if we can survive and then maybe we spent 150 days feeling like we're abandoned by God....wondering where he is and how he could have forgotten us....but then Genesis 8:1 happens.

"But God remembered Noah"

God remembers Noah - he didn't forget about him....even in the darkest days when God felt the furthest away and Noah felt so alone...God remembered him. 

Now I want to challenge you to think about a trial you are going through...for me it's infertility and unfortunately it lasts long past the 40 days of being tested and the 150 days of abandonment BUT...I spent 40 days being tested when this all first started, every blood test, every prescription, every other test that I had, receiving the diagnosis....I was certainly tested. And then - we received the call and we were chosen...for twins actually....we spent money to get necessary things completed, we purchased baby things, we were creating a double nursery....and then our hearts were broken. And I am now in what I feel like is my 150 days of abandonment - I'm in these days because I'm realizing I need some work. But, I look back on Genesis 8:1 and now I see...

"But God remembered Heather"

God hasn't forgotten me....and I really needed to hear this message today. 

So will Justin and I have made some personal decisions regarding our lives and our futures please know that we are still so excited to adopt when the right child is chosen for us....no doors have been closed and we are still in talk with adoption agencies. We just see now how painful  and how quick adoptions can fall through so a lot of things will be a little more private for our sake. 

Pray with us and pray for us as we prayerfully venture through our time of "abandonment" (we know we aren't really abandoned by God but this is where our journey is leading us...like Noah" and continue to pray as we continue to prepare for a child. 

We love you all
Justin and Heather

My last post....

Sometimes I wish there was a way for people to feel the things people close to them feel, the hurt, the pain, the crushed feeling. The joy, the happiness, the gratefulness.....but there isn't and sometimes no matter what the emotion a person is feeling they don't show, the deal with it in different ways.

I wish I could share with you the details of what we went through with the planned adoption I mention in my last post....but I can't. I was asked to keep things confidential for the privacy and respect of everyone involved. I wish people understood that.  Unfortunately, all the work, all the hopes and all the plans for the adoption cam crumbling, right before our eyes, and we never saw it coming.

I wish you could feel the hurt, the pain and crushing feeling Justin and I feel right now.....but you can't and really I only want you to feel it so you understand, but I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.  We are devastated.

The money that so many of you have donated and generously gave we appreciate so much. Justin and I have written a check to send that money to the Tippecanoe County CASA program. A program that will enrich lives of children in our new "home".

This is the last you will hear from this blog.

Thank you for your support and encouragement and love.  For those of you who understand, thank you, for those of you who don't, I'm sorry. I wish things were different.

Justin and heather

A Short and sweet (kind of sour) update

I feel like I'm always apologizing for it being so long in between posts at time, but my heart snd my feelings have been in such a negative place lately that I needed to calm just a little.

I'm going to very vaguely tell you a story....Justin and I were contacted to adopt a baby out of state....we were chosen.....picked and Indiana attorney - we had that paperwork complete......we picked an attorney in that state (for interstate adoptions you have to have one in the birth state to help you get cleared to bring the baby home) - that paperwork was being processed......we had our home study application submitted and our references picked.....we were about to set a date for the study. We were getting rid of things and gathering things for a nursery........our time was here.


The people have stopped communicating with us.....they ignore our texts, they ignore our phone calls, they ignore our Facebook messages......they have shut us out after choosing us.  I know this happens in adoption and I thought I was prepare if it should happen. But I'm not....I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm hurt.....as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like I've lost my child. I will never say anything bad about these people because 1. I don't know them 2. I can't imagine how tough this decision is/was for them.....but I am sad.

So Justin and I are taking a break from the whole adoption thing. We need this break....we got so wrapped up in this situation and honestly, the last thing I want to think about right now is having a child.....I've lost my excitement for it  ( for now.....for the time being......it might return).

Justin and I started trying right after we got married and then shifted right into adoption.....we need our time. It wasn't an easy decision.....but it's something we need. I was making myself so sick from the stress of adoption......we need to get settled more. I don't know why I'm justifying my reasons to my readers, but I am.

For those of you that donated to the #mcbaby fund....that money is sitting in its own account.....should for some reason we not return to the adoption idea we will generously donate the money to another adopting family.

Pray for Justin and I as we get over the hurt, pray that no matter any outcome that we see Gods will in and the His way will always prevail.

We love you all and appreciate all your support. Justin and Heather

AHHHH!!!!!

ok - you wanna know why I'm joyful and overwhelmed and ready to cry for good reasons?????

so there is this place in Atlanta, Georgia - an adoption consulting agency - what they do is work with adopting parents and walk through the whole adoption process with them - give them resources for grants and loans (if need be) - help them with their adoption book (the scrapbook...but I'm drawing a blank on what it's really called) and "advertise" (I really don't know a better word for it) the adoptive parents to the ENTIRE united states.....one agency will get Justin and I to the whole US - not thousands of adoption agencies.....not waiting for agency to call us.....1 agency to THOUSANDS of agencies and birth mothers

THIS IS INSANELY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and they want to work with Justin and I (well I'm sure they want to work with everyone - but that's beside the point)....anyways all we need up front is our home study completed and our payment to them ($2500 because we are open to all races) anyways.............this is real.............this payment is something we could do.....very very soon (well with special prayers and some help)


so friends and family................PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please please please pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the most exciting part............on average from the time their clients have "advertised" to agencies and birth moms - to the moment they have their baby in their arms has been 4.5 months and most are occurring in 1-2 months.......THIS IS EVEN MORE EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!


spread the news..........share the joy.............say a prayer...............get excited!!!!!


we love you sooo sooo sooo much!!
(told you my emotions are all over and would change soon)

justin & heather

No rest for the weary.....

I feel like this is the silliest title....but on a rough Thursday morning it sounded good.

I've finally hit the point of the adoption where I'm kind of worn out....I know, I know, we've only just started, but it's tiring.  Every move you make you have to think about the future, every swipe of the debit card wondering if you should spend the extra money.  My mind seriously has spun in circles so fast that I've worn myself out.....plus my husband is currently in Chicago for work so that never helps me sleep well.

But on a brighter side I have another phone "interview" type thing with another adoption place on Friday.....trying to get all our options before we decide on anything......this is a HUGE deal and I want to make sure we make the right decisions.  It's been so comforting to have so many people loving us and supporting us.....actually it's almost overwhelming - but in a very very good way :)

I'm meeting lots of new people through this journey and my days and emotions are ALL over the place, but I am not alone - that is for darn sure.  But back to my title....I am tired - very tired. I'm always afraid that this is not going to happen - that we won't be able to raise the funds to adopt -that we won't be matched with a birth mom - that a birth mom won't choose us.....oh the stresses are endless.

But 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds me But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."    I am weak....very weak and tired - but my God is so much bigger than any doubt or fear I will ever have.  

This is going to happen - one way or another - God has a child for us and we will be the BEST darn parents we can be......I just wish that was tomorrow

Please say a prayer for my grandfather - he is facing some health issues right now and it's hard being a couple hours away.

Sorry the update wasn't much - but it's something.....I promise I will get back on the blogging track.

Love you all,

Justin and Heather

I'm Sorry....

So for those of you who haven't seen...I got a new sewing machine and I'm super pumped. (Except tonight I forgot how stressful it is to thread the machine so I gave up....for tonight ha). Anyways, I decided after work today I was going to head to the craft store and get some sewing supplies. Now, I'm a Hobby Lobby girl so I usually never go anywhere else, but my co-worker told me to check out a few things at Joann Fabrics so I did.....maybe I shouldn't have.....or maybe I should have. 

So I browsed around seeing not much of interest (except big spools of thread for .99). This cute little curly haired girl...somewhere between 1 and 2 years of age kept waving and smiling just as sweet as could be. And then I spotted them....."that family"....you know the family the typical traditional very religious family (I don't know their actual denomination) but the mom had the long skirt and hair pulled back and 6 kids following her around. Typically in my mind when is see a parent with 6 kids I imply they are greedy baby hoarders (ok that is really terrible of me and I honestly don't think bad about them but hey....humor gets me through the day and I don't say it out loud just in my head). Ok back to my story....I hear the mom saying telling her children they need to behave or they won't go to the church carnival...blah blah blah it has no real importance to this story. 

Stay with me....I'm getting to the point. I get inline and strike a very pleasant conversation with the cashier. She had a hoop in her nose, bleached blonde hair with purple tips and purple drawn in eyebrows....she was unique but she was sweet, she was genuine and she was friendly. We talked and joked....and then she eyes my #mcbaby bracelet. And she asked about it.....I can't help but smile when people ask. So I told her all about our struggle and our journey to adoption and how we got #mcbaby and all of it......and then I heard it.....from behind me.....

OH - I'M SORRY!!

I turn around and to my surprise the little Christian lady with her 6 children was behind me....I smiled and politely said "excuse me?"  She stated "I over heard your story and I'm sorry". I proceeded to ask "and what exactly are you sorry for?"  

She the has the nerve to point and her now grumpy and irritated 6 children and say "I'm sorry the good Lord didn't find fit to bless you abundantly like he did our family"

Uhhhh excuse me????  Did some stranger really just say that I have not been abundantly blessed by the good Lord because if ant have my own kids??  In order to keep my composure and not say things against my Christian raising, I thanked the sweet Cheshire whose jaw was now on the ground....smiled and the insanely rude lady and left the store. 

I didn't cry although I wanted to - but I was (and might still be a little bit) in shock that someone, especially someone who lives such a lifestyle would have the nerve to say something like that. The good Lord has blessed me abundantly.....in ways I don't even know yet. But I know I am blessed, always have been and always will be......this adoption is just the beginning

So lady with 6 children....I am sorry.....I'm sorry that you think the only way a woman is blessed is by how many children The Lord allows your body to birth.