A Whole Year in ONE Word.......

ever since I was in college at some point in December I would write a "note" (way back when facebook had notes)...or an email, or blog post or something to recap the year that was coming to an end. We are one week into december and before we know it 2014 will be over....I started thinking today about my post to recap this year and I'm not sure that I can do it. There are too many emotions, too many dark places, too many valleys that I would rather not go back throug because God has brought me so far this year. 

If you follow along any of my social media sites you see my heart and you see my journey....and 2014 as been a long journey but as I think back through the year I can sum up the ENTIRE year in ONE word 

OVERWHELMING!

Let me explain a little....in January we packed up our lives and moves to a foreign (to us) place and I hated everything about Lafayette....I hated, couldn't stand it, couldn't wait to move again. In February I started a job that ended up being close to what I imagine hell being like (with the exception of a few good people) and Justin and I received out infertility diagnosis. Just the first two months alone were more overwhelming that I think I could handle again. I hated where I was and I was handed devastating news - most of our month of March we spiraled in grief and what we do and what our next step would be......the month of April we started discussing adoption and looking into what it entailed....but job continued to get worse and I was a bitter and nasty person.....my heart was so bad. I was overwhelmed but the process and the finances it was going to take for us to be parents and I was overwhelmed by how my job was affecting my attitude.....in a not so good way. 

In May we made the decision to move forward with adoption and we were so excited and we felt so overwhelmed that God would choose us for this.....we prayed and we prepared. At the end of May we were contacted about the adoption of twins that were to be born at the end of the summer and we were ecstatic.....but then June came and the adoption fell through and the pain that stabbed my heart left me breathless. I knew a change needed to come as I couldn't continue to live like this. 

End of the overwhelmingly heart breaking and terrible first 1/2 to 2014

In July I decided I would tryout the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene....and from that first Sunday Pastor Troy has preached right to my heart....I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of peace that God's hand was in all of this.....and the storms of the months before would soon pass. In August I was offered a new position at Purdue and I was finally walking I to something so much better. 

My new position at work has done so much for my confidence, I have a team of co-workers who encourage me, who believe in me and who support me. My boss actually appreciates me and believes in me and my work. I met some amazing people through the church and a group of ladies and I walked through a Bible Study a out our raw emotions. I met women who are currently walking the same journey as me and I met women who once walked the same journey as me......and God he chiseled away all my dark and bitter hard places. 

And suddenly I was so overwhelmed by God and hi grace, and his mercy and his plan that I fell in love with Lafayette. 

You see in these last moments of my heart being transformed.....I have found peace. In November I said "until a later day" to my handsome grandfather and peace of knowing he was in such a better place made the ache of his absence a little easier to manage. 

And as for December....well we have a big week this week. A week full of anxiety, stress, prayers and uncertainties.....but I know that God has not brought us this far to leave us now. I've never seen so much transformation in 1 year. It's certainly been an emotional year.....good and bad......and spiritually it's been an exciting year. 

So 2014.....thank you.....you have tested me, you have encouraged me, you and strengthened me and above all else you have overwhelmed me. I hope you all have had a good year - may you all know the love and peace of Chrit as we prepare to celebrate His birth and enter into a new year. 

With so much love and early Christmas blessings,

Justin and Heather McMahan

In ALL things give thanks......

Thanksgiving is almost here and that makes my heart so happy. It's my favorite day of the year. While I am so aware, and I try so hard, to thankful and grateful more days throughout the year, to be able to sit around a table or living room surrounded by those we love so dearly and reflect on the things that have made a lasting memory over the past year brings a certain kind of warmth. This year, 2014, is a weird kind of thankful for my heart this year. 

We moved to Lafayette in January and I hated every moment of it.  I hated our first apartment, I hate having no friends and no family near by, I hated my job. I hated a very nasty and hateful heart and it was a nasty time. Months later God provided us a new, nicer, bigger, safer apartment.  We got connected with LFCN and I have developed friendships with some amazing and beautiful ladies  and I got a new position at Purdue that is exactly where I need to be right now. 

In March Justin and I received news that by doctor's standards, test results and failed pregnancy tests month after month, that we are unable to have our own children.  In June we were contacted about an adoption for twins and then that failed. But what God brought to me through those dark dark months and the still quiet moments is a heart to love the children around me. To cuddle with and hug on my nephews and Niece a little longer. To cradle and hold the newborns of church friends. To offer friends a night out in exchange for me to love on their kids (this paragraph might sound weird but it really is nothing strange....I just love kids). 

A couple weeks ago, we buried my sweet 88 year old grandfather and hearts were (and still are) sad but God gave our family the sense of peace, my grandfather gained Heaven quietly in his sleep, no suffering, no desperate measures. God gave him the greatest reward, and how can you. It be thankful for that. 

I spent many days and many moments throwing myself a pity party, dwelling in the crap that was dealt to me that I never took a moment to see all that I had and all the work that God was doing. 

I am so thankful for this journey of infertility (weird I know) because it is teaching me my own strength. It has taught me to love myself and that I am enough, regardless of how my body or looks or how it does or doesn't function. 

I am so thankful for Lafayette and all the opportunities it has opened for me. It lead us to LFCN at just the right sermon series and co to use to provides a weekly fuel we need. It also led me a Bible Study that I am most certainly thankful for as I have met beautiful ladies to support me in my journey. Ladies to pray over of victories and pray with us throw our failures. 

I am so thankful for Purdue (never in a million years thought I would say that) it provided me a chance to stand up for myself and to realize that your environment can really affect your mood and mindset. But I'm ever grateful for Purdue for this current opportunity to serve as a supervisor to college students. To be a role model for them and especially thankful for a boss who values her workers and builds the, up instead of continually tear them down. 

I am so thankful for my whole family and my friends. For my husband who works so hard for us but when he is home makes sure to "be there" for me. He wears so many hats and at times I have not appreciated him like I should, but this year has been such a building block for our marriage - which is one thing I can't be thankful enough for. 

My friends my prayer for you is that you take the time to really reflect on all the blessings you have to be thankful for. There is so much sadness and and hurt and hate in this world, but if we truly take a moment to look and all our hearts to be open to the beauty, there is so much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for all of you - may you and your family have a grateful and joyous Thanksgiving. 

The McMahan's

Chisel away....

So for those of you that are my friend (or possibly stalker) on Facebook you've seen a couple of my posts regarding the Bible Study I've recently started with 7 other women from the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene.  We are currently making our way through Unglued:Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst   If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it and I've only completed the first 2 chapters.  It is an excellent read for all women, because let's face it our emotion are ridiculous and little and very big things can make us come unglued.

We dove into the second chapter of the study last night and in this chapter Lysa discusses Michelangelo and his sculpture "David"' and the work he did to complete this structure despite any criticism or setbacks and how day in and day out Michelangelo worked faithfully on the sculpture and slept by it at night, chiseling away at the parts that 'weren't David".  With a lot of very insightful and intelligent word Lysa tied this in to the masterpiece we are and how we are crafted individually by God's own work. Lysa talks about how God gives us hard places not to make us come unglued but to show us where God still needs to chisel away at us and our emotions.

During this video and thinking of the past week and my not so fine moment of coming unglued I started getting that feeling that I can only assume was God tugging at me and making me very aware that I needed to speak and share about the evident Grace and chisel work that has taken place in me.  My stomach was in a knot ( you know that whole I'm going to be sick feeling), my heart was racing and I could have sworn it was about 100 degrees in Shari's living room. Shari asked in the most recent week do we have any examples of how God has chiseled away at us or shown us areas where we need chiseling?  I hesitated for a moment, because honestly in the group of women, Shari is the only one who has any clue as to the journey Justin and I have walked this year and it's been refreshing to get to know people who don't totally know us, but it's hard to talk about the work of God and the grace and mercy from God, if you're not willing to discuss how God has shown or done those things to and through you.........and so I spoke!

With only the slightest (ha) of tears... "I can't believe I'm really about to share any of this, but to make a long story short, Justin and I found out at the beginning of the year that we couldn't have kids and it's been a long year and I've found myself in some very dark places and some twisted self thoughts, I didn't think I was going to be good enough for my husband anymore, or my parents or our families. This past Tuesday some close to me announced they were expecting and they've only been married a short time and I came unglued, I went off and told them I didn't care about the pregnancy and I didn't want to talk about it (I really don't care or want to talk about but there is more to that).  I left work and told Justin that I was going home to throw myself a pity party and I did, for a short time.  I decided to pick up this book and read the next chapter to prepare for today and then I was so overwhelmed but how God has shown me grace and how much he has chiseled away at the hard place in past couple of months.  Earlier this month when we had the baby dedication at church I was able to sit through and not cry and not excuse myself.  In August when Pastor Troy called students and their parents to the front I excused myself because all I could think was "what if that's never me?" But it hasn't been like that recently and I was reminded just how much work has been and is still being done on me."

End cry fest and talk and talk session, insert immediate awkward feeling expecting to be judged and stared at......nope I was wrong, I got smiles and hugs and encouragement and prayer.  I hit a moment that I really needed......I need women that I could express a few feelings to and I needed a reminder that God is so so good and in the midst of our pity parties, his grace is there and like Michelangelo with the David sculpture, God never leaves our side and He won't until we are finished, and when we are finished we will gain our reward of Heaven.  Isn't this a comforting thought?

After Bible Study I was connected with someone who said to me "thank you for being willing to share your story, I am currently walking the same journey."

All I could do is hug them and pray for them......because suddenly I saw why Justin and I were sent to Lafayette and why I had to wait this long for God to start the chiseling.

In moments when you feel like coming unglued take a deep breath and repeat "Oh God, chisel away"

I feel like I don't post much anymore, but to be honest with you when is comes to having a baby or adopting I really don't have anything to say. There is no news, there are no updates, there are no fundraising efforts.....there isn't anything but prayer. But my prayer has changed recently in the past fees months. When Justin got our initial diagnosis as the beginning of the year, we prayed that my body would get its act together and that the meds would work and we would have beautiful hazel eyed, long eye lashed, gap toothed, big eared baby (ha these are some of our best traits). When the meds didn't work and my body didn't cooperate we prayed that God would open the doors to adoption and that the money would come. And that worked, or so we thought. When we realized that didn't work either (well at least now) we stepped back and decided we need to reevaluate things. The first thing I reevaluated was my heart. 

My heart was hurt and so bitter that I found myself constantly saying "can you believe she's pregnant again?" "They just got married and are already pregnant" "they always complain they can't pay their bills how can they be having a child?" And so many other sayings....why did everyone else get a baby and not Justin and I?  Justin and I had a heart to heart one night where I completely broke down to him and how I felt and the lies my own mind feeds me and how no matter how hurt or sad I was the only thing I could think about was our families. You see, Justin and I have come to terms that we may never be parents, and while we never saw our life looking that way, we are ok with it. We are content, because as I read in a blog post today contentment is a choice you make everyday. Life with just Justin and I will be so much and would provide us an opportunity to help our little loves {Ethan Landon and Raegann} in ways we couldn't imagine.  But my heart hurts for them, for my parents, for my siblings, for Justin's sister and his mom. 

I can't help but wonder, if I don't make my parents a Nana and Papaw again, will that be ok? I see how they are with Ethan and Raegann and those two little bring them so much joy and happiness, what if Justin and I don't give them someone who brings them happiness like that?  I bring down these emotions to my mom earlier this week and they are emotions I never thought I could feel, but they are so real, but just hearing {actually reading because it was a text and I couldn't say the words without crying} that none of these defined me and that no matter what I did or what happens as long as I was doing what I loved that was what she hoped for. I think about my dad and how excited he got when we got news about the twins and I wondered if he would be ok if when I came home for weekend visits if I never brought a little one with me. And I think about Cindy and Nick and how great there with E and R and if I never made them and aunt or uncle if we would still be close and if being an aunt to their kids would be enough without giving them that in return.   I go back to the first time I met my mother in law and how she told me "you know some day I want a granddaughter to go with the grandson I already have". I have carried that with me thru Justin and I's whole relationship at first feeling so excited that she thought I was good enough to one day have a child with her son and now that reality is here it hurts as I don't want to feel like I could let her down. {I know that if we don't have kids I won't be a failure to her it's just where my emotions took me}. I think my sweet sister in law and brother in law how faithfully they have prayed for us through this journey and how they knew the pain it comes from and ultimately were rewarded with a precious little man. I think about Brittany and how her only blood sibling might not get to deem her Aunt Brittany, or who knows what kind of awesome name our child would come up with {seriously her son thought of Uncle Mary and that's pretty sweet}. 

But if nothing more my heart hurts for Ethan, Landon and Raegann. I picture family Christmases down the road at mom and dad's house: Cindy and Ryan and the kids show up, Scooter and his wife and their kids show up and then Justin and I...just Justin and I wonder and I think about the questions they would ask "why isn't Aunt Yaya a mommy" "why don't they have kids like Kee and Aunt whoever". My heart breaks a little more for them. I think about sweet Landon and if one day he might ask why when Uncle and Uncle Mary come over they don't bring someone for him to play with like when his daddy's brothers and their wives come. 

So many thoughts have come through my head, different scenarios and how I might react to the.  Then one day I was cleaning and I came across a note that my cousin Brittany had mailed me over a year ago and it mentions how I taught her to still love even after your heart has been completely broken and how she is so thankful that God brought a smile back to my face and laughter to my heart and I sat on my bed and I wept. I was so overwhelmed by how far and how dark of a place God has brought me from that I allowed myself, even if only for a moment, to forget that he will continue to pull me heart through the troubles I encounter. This is just a minor bump in the road. My sister in law reminded me the other day that God has big plans in store for me. So now, my prayer had changed, my prayer now is that God will use my life, my heart, my story in any way he sees necessary. Whether we adopt one day or not as long as I am doing where I am led, I know that all the years to come He will guide my family. 

I'm becoming part of an after school program here in the Lafayette area, few hours a week where I can hang out with kids who don't have a place to after school. I'm so excited to see what is in store here. 

We love you all, we look forward to the upcoming holidays and maybe seeing some of you back home. There is always room on our prayer list so if we can pray for you in any way, please let us know. 

With so much love,
The McMahan's 

The anchor holds......in spite of the storm

I am not in a storm. While my diagnosis may some days feel like a storm....I am no longer in a storm. I've been rereading my blog and it almost makes me sad how negative and almost depressing my posts were. While they were real in how I felt there could have probably been a better vision for what I was dealt - for the road Justin and I were walking. 

I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks just how much your environment can influence your mood. The last several months I was in a very negative environment.....and I'm not referring to my marriage. I didn't look forward to getting up, I dreaded heading in, always on egg shells on how the day would go. I would miserable....and when you're miserable you only think one way.....negative. So instead of seeing a positive glimpse of what this chapter of my story will lead me to....I beat myself up, I tore myself down, I fed myself with so much self hate. It's hard to think positive when all around you is negative vibes and feeling inadequate. 

I made a change - I've been in a new environment for almost 2 weeks now and my outlook has been so different. I'm happy....I smile and I fuel myself with positive thoughts. Why?  1. Because I deserve them 2. Those around me fuel me and themselves with positive thoughts and positive energy. I am appreciated and it makes me look at my life completely different. 

This chapter will tell a story.....it's going to reach another woman. 

September is PCOS awareness month....this disease is not something to be ashamed of....while it sucks totally the only way to find a "cure" or for early prevention and treatment is by awareness. If my first OBGYN would have listened to my concerns I could have started treatment years earlier. So thankful for Dr.Tisch who took my concerns to heart and aggressively found me an answer. 

I will fight for awareness...not only for me....but for the 1 in every 10 women affected by this disease. 

Educate yourself - keep yourself healthy. Surround yourself with only positive people....it really does make a difference. 

The blog title was originally for a different post that never got written....it's not totally relevant to this post but the strength of Justin and I and God stood despite the negative storm I walked for months. 

Raw Emotion......

I cry a lot. I'm not ok. I'm not ok with crying a lot. I cry a lot because I'm not ok. If I was honest with you (those of you I see face to face on mostoccasions) you would know that I'm not ok. I'm afraid to cry in front of people...unless your my husband or my mom or my best friend Holly. I've spent more time in public bathroom stalls this year than ever before. I'm always excusing myself. I have learned the best water proof mascara brands (and I prefer e.l.f). For the first time in my life I carry Kleenex with me - because everyday I need them. 

I should be bringing home two babies later this month or early September. I should be introducing my friends and family to Rowan Keith (named after 2 of the most amazing men in my life) and Annie Ruth (named after the strongest women I know) but I'm not. I should be buying a family of 4 Christmas ornament and a pink and blue "my 1st Christmas" ornaments. I should be buying baby stockings. I should be so overfilled and over joyed with thankfulness as we prepare for the holiday season (I know it's only August but it will be here soon). When the pastor calls students and their parents to the front of the church to pray over them as they start a new school year - I shouldn't have to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because all I can think is "what if that is never me". 

What if I never get to pray over my child as they begin a new school year, what if I never get to post a picture of my adorable child holding their "first day of kindergarten" sign, what if the closest thing to celebrating Mother's Day is an "aunt" card from my nephews and niece (don't get me wrong those cards are my favorite and those kids are my life....but it's not the same). What if I never get to tell my parents they are going to be Nana and Papaw again...what if Justin never gets to tell his mom she is going to be Mamaw again. What if Justin and I never get to tell our siblings they are finally going to get a "blood" niece or nephew. What if Scott and Holly - the couple we asked never get to be Godparents. What if family pictures are always just Justin and I. What if the finances never fully come for an adoption...what if a birth mother never chooses us. What if every adoption fails. 

When does this get easier?  When can I think about the holidays and not be sad. When can I attend family events and not hurt. When will I not think so negatively about myself. When will I stop looking at Justin and I wondering "why us? - what did we do wrong?"

And if it never gets easier and it never gets better - will I be ok with it?  Will I be ok if I was wrong and God's answer is "no"?  Will I be ok if it's just Justin and I forever (this sounds really bad and it's not supposed to because I love my husband more than anything)
When will the crying end. When will the grieving of what I can't have and I can't do stop. When will my bathroom stall visits end?

I want to be ok.  I want to be 100% happy again. Maybe I need some sadness to fully understand happiness. 

Top 10.....

Just thinking about our adoption journey so far and I've decided to list the Top 10 things I've learned through my journey of infertility.......so far!

1. You really find out who your true friends are. People that I once thought would always be there for me, I haven't heard a word from. And although I don't expect all the attention on me a simple "Hi, I'm thinking about you and praying for you" would be awesome, because God knows (literally) that I tried to always be there for them during their struggles. However, in their absence people that I once thought I was mere acquaintances with have turned into my biggest supports and always seem to have an encouraging word to say.

2. There will always be at least one person who can your personal journey and struggle all about them. I don't think this needs any further explanation.

3. People who can have their own children do not get criticized or judged for the things they do, people who choose to not have kids can do whatever they want without people thinking twice, HOWEVER if you can't have your won kids and have declared that one day you will adopt, suddenly everyone is your financial adviser and every penny you spend someone has something say about it. So because my uterus is all sorts of whacked out and my husband and I will have be parents in a different way, we shouldn't be allowed to have any sorts of fun while we are in waiting. As if somehow all the blood work, all the prescriptions, all the tests, all the spent money, all the preparing and all the heartache does not entitle us to some destressing - people really amaze me. Somehow this makes no sense to me??!!??

3. There are people who really aren't a part of your life who think they have a say in how we choose to live our lives and the things we do.  This is really really comical - in all honesty their thoughts on me and Justin's decisions have no effect and I wonder what thought came into their mind that they believe they have a right to make an opinion. (I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but not about my life)

4. I am as emotional as a pregnant woman. I have never cried so much before in my life. Everything makes me a little sad, or maybe a little happy -sometimes I don't know - but I do know that my tear ducts work for sure!

6. Humor is the best medicine. I honestly don't think I would survive if I couldn't make myself laugh through all of this. I make jokes at myself and generally about my uterus but I have survived and I am strong and I am getting through this. Laughter makes any day brighter.

7. I have never believed in myself as much as I have since I've gotten this diagnosis. Some days I feel invincible as if nothing could get me down.  These are the days I long for. I believe that I am capable of everything and nothing can get me down.

8. I have so many people that love me.....not just me.....so many people that love Justin and I.....actually not even just us.....so many people that love myself and Justin and mcbaby. It's really overwhelming.

9. God is closer than I've ever imagined. In the big picture of everything happening around me, God has made himself so open to me, actually I've probably just made myself more open to Him, but it's such a neat feeling. I've had so many more happy joyous days than depressed days.

10. Everyday I feel like something big is going to happen. Even if our chosen day is a few years down the road, each new day is so exciting, because each new day is one day closer.

Words can't begin the express my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for Justin and I, especially during this last month. So many things are opening for us and bigger things are coming into play here in Lafayette. Our hearts are being transformed and it was a renewal of joy, hope and faith that I needed.

We love you all so much

justin&heather