What does this mean......for us

Shortly after Rowan was born I wrote a blog entry describing all the ways the pregnancy, the birth, the feeding of Rowan was nothing how I planned.....not at all I imagined. I noted in that entry that my new plan was to spend my time memorizing Rowan, knowing his ends and outs and understanding who he was as my son. I would like to think I did a pretty good job of that. I knew the things he liked, the way music spoke to his soul, the way a few thumb rubs over his eyebrows would put him to sleep.  He preferred sippy cups with straws over regular sippy cups. He was adventurous - I couldn't leave him alone. He was the kid that I would find standing on the middle of the kitchen table, he was jumping off the back of the couch and ending up in places that I'm still not sure how he got there. He ran carefree for hours when the weather was nice and stared out the windows in the winter wishing for warmer weather.  We heard time over time "you have what we call a bouncing baby boy".  His energy kept me on my toes.......

Then one day it was like I woke up and my son was no longer the kid I once learned about. Looking back now I can see times when maybe the red flags were there but they seemed so insignificant that I overlooked them. I remember at Rowan's 1 year check up asking the pediatrician "do the terrible twos start at their second birthday or the year leading up to their second birthday?"  Those times were what I imagined having a "normal" toddler was like......but things were suddenly different.  He no longer climbed on things and seemed to tense up when simply climbing to sit in his chair. Now standing on the couch to change his pants cause anxiety and panic.  The word 'haircut' caused meltdowns and the largest alligator tears....you can only imagine what it is like if we actually touched the hair sheers or stepped into a hair salon. When out to eat he was suddenly was complaining "it's too loud" or there's "too many people"....grocery shopping is now a nightmare. He can hear noises that I swear only dogs can hear and the quietest of sounds stop him in his tracks. He started to repeat everything said to him and remembering/following simple steps/instructions was seeming very difficult. Our mornings now require several outfit and sock changes because there always seems to be something wrong with the first one.....second one.....fourth one.......we've FINALLY won the battle on no longer wearing snow boots everywhere!

So what happened? What changed? Where did the boy that I once knew everything about go? I mentioned my concerns to our pediatrician (which let me just say that switching pediatricians has been one of the best decisions we've ever made) we agreed that the concerns warranted something more and referred us for an Occupational Therapy assessment.  Rowan's therapist is great - she recognized our concerns and addressed concerns of her own and put together a plan.............but the assessment was hard to read and a hard pill to swallow.

What is Sensory Processing Disorder and what does this mean?

It means that the boy I once memorized and knew everything about I get to soak in all the moments and memorize all over again. It means that even though his communication and academics are off the charts, emotionally and socially (in certain aspects) he's delayed. It means eating out is not an easy thing and often times meals will get eaten in the car. It means grocery shopping either gets done online or we are armed with headphones and music. It means that the fear of the unknown (in movement) will prevent Rowan from being interested in riding rides. It means that Rowan is rocking a pretty sweet mullet because the fight for a haircut is not worth the heartbreak (at least not right now). It means the McMahan Clan slows down its days and we learn to celebrate the little things.....because for Rowan....for us....they are now BIG things!
It means when he eats a hamburger for dinner and NOT chicken nuggets, a hot dog, pizza or a quesadilla is a VICTORY....it means that when he eats a blue Popsicle instead of a green Popsicle without tears we know it will be a good night. SPD for us means we will live by schedules and that we will talk through the entire every single morning and that IF something in that schedule has to change we will try and prepare Rowan as much as we can and when the change is just too much we hug him tight and let him fight the overload that is going on in his head.

SPD for us means that we will sing "You are my sunshine" 100 times every night if we have to....if that's what it takes for his sweet little mind to slow down and drift to sleep. It means the nights when his body and his mind won't stop - we will sit with him and read books all hours of the night and morning.

And so while the diagnosis is new and right now the days are so rough and a lot of mornings result in tears (from multiple people) it means we have another day to fight and to advocate for our boy. Even if play dates get cut short that means we have people in our corner encouraging us and supporting his social developments.....it means that even thought our finger painted pictures only have 4 spots on them and not a sheet covered in multi colored thumb prints that he TRIED a messy project and the minimal marks means he still didn't like it.....HE TRIED. Everyday we are learning new things all over again about our boy. Everyday will be a new journey......it's a new roller coaster ride.

Everyday is not good......but there is something good in everyday. We are so thankful for our boy - for his quirks and all the new little things that make him who he is. We are thankful for our tribe. We are thankful for our pediatrician. We are thankful for our therapist. We are THANKFUL for a kind and understanding school for Rowan. Above all we are thankful to be Rowan's parents p thankful that God saw Justin and I fit to walk these days with Rowan.

We are hopeful that there are new developments everyday for SPD. We recognize that SPD is different for each child diagnosed - we have exactly who we need to advocate, educate, celebrate and prepare Rowan.

The days are long but these years are short. We are nothing less than blessed to have this incredible boy as the light of our lives.

The story of Justin and Heather......

In a few short days Justin and I will have the privilege of celebrating 5 years of marriage!  While 5 years doesn't seem like an awful long time to most, in this day and age - 5 years is a big victory and for me personally when I re-read the pages and the chapters of our story (so far) it's the biggest victory I've ever won.

In social media posts about Justin I often mention how thankful I am for loving a person like me, for meeting me in a really dark place and helping bring me to life - for picking up the pieces of a very broken girl and helping put them back together. I don't use phrases like that lightly - when Justin and I started "dating" ( I can't say met because we've known each other since 4th grade) I was sitting at a place lower than rock bottom. I was in a place where I walked away from everything that made sense to me....I walked away from friends and I walked away from church. I needed something to feel a void that was in my life....and lucky Justin took a chance and asked me on a date (although some days I still blame the post surgery pain meds I was on) - I needed an escape and I wasn't looking for anyone and I didn't want anything with meaning.

The morning of Justin and I's first date.....I received my finalized divorce papers in the mail. Yes you read that right....divorce papers. I was fully ready to cancel our date if they didn't arrive that day because the thought of going on  a date with someone when still legally married made me sick....and instead of dealing with my heartbreak, instead of grieving one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to do....I ran to a first date....on the same day I was legally not married anymore......and 5 years later I'm saying....

I'M SO HAPPY THAT I DID!

That escape I thought I was running to....ended up being my second chance at everything - at life, at love, at happiness, at gratitude, at happily every after. I walked away from my faith and the church and Justin walked me right back to it. I walked away from my friends and Justin walked me right back to them. I sat at a place lower than rock bottom and Justin climbed back to the light with me. It wasn't an easy battle for either one of us, but he took each day one step at a time with me. He grieved difficult moments with me, he left me talk out the anger that I never discussed, he let me be crazy and questions everything he did. He let me not trust him in order to learn to trust again. He gave me hope when I had lost it all.

Our story is not some fairy tale that people hope and wish for, but it's the greatest story I've ever read. It holds truth, redemption, love, and hope. It centers Christ and the strength that only comes from Him. Our marriage is so beautiful - a marriage I never anticipated, at first never wanted and I definitely don't deserve.

I hear it almost daily that people don't know how I live the life we live, never knowing when Justin will be home, never knowing when he will work - they don't know how I deal with his line or work. The truth is - I "handle" it because Justin has handled so much more. He's the reason I wake up each morning grateful. He's the reason I wake trudge through the valleys and keep going on the days I want to give up. He is my life and everyday of every year, I am so thankful he continues to choose me. I am so thankful that he saw who I was and not who I use to be. I am so thankful that he looked past the road I once walked and paved a new way for the two of us.  And today, almost 5 years later, I am so thankful that everyday he chooses me!

Our story is just beginning and everyday I am grateful to be building this life with Justin! Happy early Anniversary Justin, life with you is one grand adventure - thank you for daily choosing me!  Looking forward to many more years of celebration with you and a trip away to Jamaica ;)

When life hands you lemons

It's been a while and if you are one that actually reads and enjoys my posts, sorry.  Lots is going on. I've written a few posts only to delete them all, but here I am once again and hopefully this time I will have hit the publish button.

I've been in a weird state of mind of the last several months. I started battling debilitating migraines, and for those of you that have battled these for years, I just want to hug you because I'm not sure how you do it and I don't know how you haven't gone crazy. Medications haven't worked and we were able to narrow down a cause, but unfortunately, maybe fortunately, the cause was created by other issues I was dealing with.  So last week I underwent surgery - not a full hysterectomy - but enough that there will be no more McMahan Clan babies - and with that I have been very sad.  It was a decision that Justin and I had to make as the pain was getting to unbearable for me, but it wasn't an easy decision to make and it wasn't a decision we made lightly. But we trudged those difficult conversations and we made a decision we both felt was right and was necessary.......and I am sad.

I'm sad because my siblings mean the world to me. The make my life rich. They are my built in best friends and the thought of Rowan not experiencing that kills me, breaks my heart. I've heard people say "well you didn't want anymore anyways"....partially correct.....Justin and I both thought that maybe we would be a 1 child family but at the moment we weren't 100% for sure that we would be one and done - but now we are. And comments like that hurt. Even if we knew there was no thought of us wanting anymore children it doesn't make this decision any easier.

I've heard people say and I've read online "maybe you could just adopt".  JUST adopt...because adopting is so easy!  It has crossed our mind, it has been something we have discussed. Not in detail and nothing super serious, but we've added it to our prayer list. But did you know that we've already been down that road. We've had 2....kind of 3 (as one was for twins) failed adoptions before we were blessed with Rowan......so we are hesitant - not closed off - hesitant. We know the pain of a failed adoption.....it's not something you easily get over. I still wonder about those 3 babies!

But through all of the sadness, through my days when my mind wonders to not so pleasant places, I come back to the realization that family isn't necessarily about blood.  My best friend Dustin 'Sunshine' passed away at the end of February. It was a death I wasn't expecting, it was a smack in the face that I wasn't prepared for and it's been an event that took a piece of my heart to heaven. He was one of the greatest friends a person could ask for. A smile, laughter and personality that was contagious, it was infectious, it changed the mood of a whole room. Sunshine was family. He was my other little brother, even though he towered over me. His sister, Mini Me, is the little sister BLOOD never gave me, but LIFE did. Mama G and Daddy G, well they are my second set of parents. The family as a whole, the Grinstead Homestead, is family. They are my family. We share no blood, but they, all of them, have always been there. No matter the life circumstances. Sunshine and Heather (see why she's called Mini Me) are bonus siblings that require no blood.

I pray Rowan gets a Sunshine. And pray that Sunshine comes with a Mini Me and that those two LIFE given siblings come from a Mama G and a Daddy G. A family so full of love that they welcome Rowan with open arms, always have the door left open for him and think of him as one of their own.  Everyone needs a Sunshine. Everyone needs a Grinstead Homestead.

At our church, our second home. There is a cluster of boys. And I might be biased, but they are the most adorable boys I've ever seen. They are born within days of each other - they started life together, they are being raised in the Church together. These are the brothers Rowan has been handed. Not from blood from LIFE....from God, the best kind of brothers. I pray these boys develop rich relationships and as they get older they have each others backs.....even if life draws us in different directions.

Some of our best friends are our neighbors. Moving out to the country was one of the best decisions we made. Those friends, have the most precious little girl I've ever seen. This is a sister given to Rowan, not from blood but from LIFE....from God. To watch the two of them play is joyful. He wants to include her in everything, but is also very cautious and gentle around her. He sweet soul warms my heart.

On days when I feel the saddest, I'm reminded of just how much my life has been blessed. I am a very fortunate one that was blessed with incredible blood family. I know that at any moment someone, whether a cousin, aunt or uncle is a phone call away and would be willing to help. But more than blood family I have some of the best friends and people in my life. They are family, God given and not blood given and contrary to the popular saying, sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water.

For those of you who daily fuel my life with love, encouragement and prayer - you are treasured, especially in this valley I am walking through. I know that if Rowan stays an only child, he will be fine, he may not know the full joy blood siblings, but his life is rich. He has been and will continue to be blessed with amazing people to love him, to teach him, to encourage him, to pray for and with him. It really does take a village. Our village is the best.


Justin and I are so thankful for the people in our life. We covet your prayers as we continue to emotionally deal with difficult days.

Ethan Nicholas....

Let me preface this by saying (and I shouldn’t have to but I know how some people get). I have 3 nephews and 1 niece – I love them all the same. I don’t have a favorite BUT there is a very special place in my heart for my nephew Ethan – for many reasons – but a lot of small reasons turned into one.

I remember the day he was born (kind of), I remember the days surrounding when he was born. I was home for Christmas Break and I was doing everything in my power to get my sister to have that baby. Making her walk, jumping jacks, I probably told her to do sit-ups, anything I read about online or could think, I was making her try (I’m a horrible sister – ha).  I failed. Big time.

I was driving back to Olivet for the semester with my dad when my sister called and told me her doctor was scheduling her to come in the next day (seriously? The day AFTER I go back from being home for weeks) to have Ethan and she wanted to make sure I was ok with that (HA!).  I should have known then that he was going to have a special way about him. I WISH I would have realized then that this would be a sign that God was going to use Him – for my sake and for my life.  After returning to Olivet, a horrible ice storm and freezing temperatures came through, prompting the University to close and cancel classes.  Luckily for me, the weather in Indiana was MUCH better so I was able to get off campus and get home to see that baby boy.

(If you were sitting next to me right now you would see the tears coming. I can almost guarantee that if you are sitting next to my sister or mom when they read this, they are probably crying).

The next morning after I got back home, I went up to the hospital with my mom and laid eyes on the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. He was so tiny and new and just breathe taking. It was the day Ethan and my sister were being discharged so while my sister showered and dressed and ate – I soaked in the love and the joy that was laying in my arms.

And I prayed…….. I prayed that God would use this boy for his glory, use him in ways that would bring love and compassion to a hurting world, prayed that Ethan would know and love Christ and that he would follow God’s planned as it unfolded before him.

(ok now let the tears fall……….)

I had no idea that in 2 years of Ethan being born, God was going to take my prayers for that precious boy and use them to bring me to a place of grace, a place of light, a place of happiness. The prayer I had prayed was going to be an answer to another prayer – more of a desperate plead to God to send me a ray of hope.

In 2011, Ethan turned 2 and it was the darkest year of my life. You know how people reference – “hitting rock bottom”?  I hit a space below rock bottom.  The days were so dark I don’t even know how I survived….except I do….it was Ethan. 

I was living back with parents due to circumstances that I don’t even want to begin to think about again and everyday – he was there. He greeted me with his sweet smile – whispered the most precious “Hi Hiya” (he couldn’t say Heather). And the moments when I was slipping his tiny little arms would wrap around me and embrace me in the most loving embrace that the troubles I was facing, the dark hole that I was living in would chisel away ever so slowly and this tiny little 2 year old – who was so wise and loving beyond his years – brought back light.

Remember when I mentioned that I prayed – errr – desperately pleaded to God for a glimpse of hope? – He was there – and he was two. He was the hope that better and brighter days were to come.

In a couple days, Ethan will be 8! E-I-G-H-T!  I don’t even know how it’s possible that I am typing that number – EIGHT!!!  Eight years ago this boy made me an aunt. He gave me a title that I, every day since then, have cherished. Six years ago be saved me (might sound weird to say about someone who was 2 – but it’s true) from a nightmare.  He will forever be my saving grace – my glimpse of hope. My sweet, loving and compassionate nephew – who is still way wiser and more loving than any 8 year old I know.

Ethan Nicholas, I will never be able to thank you enough for being you – sweet, adorable and lovable you. You will never understand all you have done for me and all you have taught me. From that first day I saw you I have continued and will continue to pray “Heavenly Father, protect this boy. Guide him, love him, and use his life to bring your glory”!

Big things are in store for you my buddy! Don’t EVER change your sweet innocent ways. Don’t let the world change your sweet compassionate heart. Use your love for other people and CHANGE THE WORLD! I know you will!  You are destined for GREAT things.

HAPPY 8^TH BIRTHDAY Ethan! My love and gratitude for you is so deep – you will never fully understand and I will never be able to accurately tell you. I hope this next year of life is the best one yet!

The song of Victory.....a post about my grandfather

"And some sweet day, I'll sing up there, the song of victory"

I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old, standing in between my grandparents during a church service rolling my eyes, wondering why I had to be here and why were we singing these OOOLLLDDD songs?? I vividly can remember the sound of my sweet grandfather's adorable old man voice singing about this sweet victory in Jesus.

My grandfather was the sweetest old soul. If one word could describe him - it would be ornery - oh gosh was the man ornery. He had a smile and laugh that could brighten your day - he could change the mood of any room with that tilted sideways grin that he had. He loved a good joke and always loved "pulling our leg"

He had a way about him that made everyone feel good about themselves. I never had a conversation with him where he didn't call me "doll", tell me I was pretty or beautiful or tell me that he was proud of me. The truth is he didn't have to tell me he was proud of me - I knew it and I still know it to this day. My grandfather would be so proud of who I am now, the marriage I have with Justin and Rowan would be the little sidekick he needed. My son is just as ornery as he was!

Ever year I would find a piece of mail in my mailbox addressed specifically the me in my grandfather's hand writing (typically in all capital letters) asking me to attend an organ recital with him - knowing full well I would "kindly" decline (worst childhood experience - EVER). That was our little joke - our inside laugh.  And each holiday, I would give him the biggest plate of desserts he asked for - the man was in his 80's, he was a thin man and he battled Crohn's disease for most of his life, if wanted chocolate cake instead of turkey - by golly he was going to get the biggest piece of chocolate cake we could fit on a plate.....even though we knew he would only eat half.

My grandfather was a milkshake lover - nothing said "I love you grandpa" like showing up unexpected with a milkshake in hand. When I was young and stayed with grandpa we typically took a trip to 1 of 2 places - Fraizer's or 76 - Grandpa would get a milkshake and I would have a Bahama Mama slushy - we would sit and enjoy each others company. I think I learned my quick whit and sarcasm from him, when I proudly showed him that I had learned my ABC's he asked me if I could say them backwards - of course I could!.....I turned around backwards and said my ABC's!  My grandmother loves this story - so if you ever talk to her - she's bound to tell it to you.

Growing up my grandfather always called the couch a davenport - no clue why but for the longest time (before I knew what it was) I thought davenport was a "bad (cuss)" word and for the life of me couldn't figure out why my grandfather hated the couch so much.  Speaking of the couch, it was on that couch in their house in Central Avenue where I laughed until I cried and screamed my lungs out watching my grandfather chase a squirrel out of the back room with a broom.....OH MY GOSH....i'm laughing typing about this because it is still the funniest thing I've ever seen!

Two years ago this Friday, my sweet soul of a grandfather gained a reward he longed for. He went to a mansion specially prepared for him by the Creator of all things who he loved more than anything. He now "sings up there, the song of victory".  I could spend days telling you stories about my grandpa and it would take the rest of my life meeting all the people whose live he impacted - but if you never met him in real life - my stories and my memories won't do justice to who he is.  

My son is partially named after my grandfather and every time he does something rotten, ornery or mischievious (which is just about always - he is a 14month old boy) I can hear my grandfather's snicker - boasting in pride of a little one just as silly, spunky and rotten as he. My son has the sweetest, most caring heart, that I know also came from my grandfather and I hope one day he turns into the sweet, Jesus loving soul my grandfather was.

As the anniversary of my grandfather's homecoming arrives in a couple days I won't be grieving in my sadness - I will be celebrating the Victory in Jesus we received....a prize so great that I remember him singing about so many years ago.  And I will strive to be the Jesus loving person he was, to live my life awaiting that same sweet victory so that one we can drink milkshakes and slushies, and not go to organ recitals and joke and laugh and reminisce about squirrels in Heaven, so that one day I can hear his sweet old man voice and ornery laughter echo through the voices of angels.

Heaven is certainly a more entertaining place now that he is there. I miss him every moment of every day, but I strive each day knowing that he is proud of me and who I am becoming.  Enjoy your next year in Heaven, grandpa - see you again one day!

p.s if you could - send a little less rottenness to Rowan, this mama could use a break ;) 

On the eve of your first birthday!

You were 4 months old the last time I wrote and here we are less than 24 hours away from your first birthday!  Did I really just type that? YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY??!!?? We survived - we did it - we conquered the first 365 days!

What a year it has been!  You, my sweet son, are spit fire and a ball of super charged energy. You are strong willed, you are stubborn, you are ornery, you are independent. (Which leads me to believe you were named correctly! Your great grandfathers were all those things) You are a lover, you are a bear hug giver, you are a sloppy big kiss planter! You are joy, you are laughter, you are so much personality. You are the light of our family - and I still can't figure out how we managed without you.

The days of this first year were long. We encountered many scary days as we faced health uncertainties. As we battled medications and bad reactions, as we traveled to many different doctors. As we waited test results.

I have never been more scared in my life than I have been this past year.

But I have also never had so much joy and love in my life than I have this past year.

Just like the days, weeks, months, years that we waited for you - this first year of your life God was always one step ahead. He kept you safe, He protected you. He carried your father and I. He caught every tear I cried. He has made his plans known for you - and for that we are so grateful.

I have to write this a day early because tomorrow - my emotions may be too much. My heart, some days, cannot handle everything I feel for you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but hurts in the best of ways.  I have prayed - every day that I am succeeding as a parent. Wondering if I'm doing things correctly, but I'm pretty sure every parent has wondered those same things.

I keep replaying the day of your birth in my head. How scared I was, scared because I knew that my c-section was happening to keep you and I both safe, scared that something could still go seriously wrong. Scared that as soon as they placed in my arms, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know how to be a mom or how to take care of you. One year later, I still fear those same things. I don't have a clue to what I am doing - but we've survived - you've thrived!

I remember Dr. Ramirez saying "Daddy stand up and get your camera ready, you're about to meet your son" and then you started screaming...I mean WAILING......and you haven't really stopped since then - LOL! I remember laying there crying - but not realizing I was crying and trying to see you out of the corner of my eye. My gosh you were so beautiful.....and you still are!  And then 2 days later they let us bring you home - just you, dad and me and suddenly we were a family of 3 and we were doing this on our own.

I can't believe you are 1!  You are so smart! You are adventurous (Lord help us now), you are crazy, you are hilarious! You are my life!  You are what my life was missing and this past year my heart has been complete.

WE (your dad and I) are the lucky ones - for some reason God thought that we were worthy enough for you to call us momma and dadda. We get to raise you - we get to teach you, while at the same time allowing you to teach us.  I could spend all day writing about everything my heart feels as tomorrow comes and we celebrate YOU (well and Kee).

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY Rowan Keith! I don't know how we managed life without you! We are so thankful you are here and completed our family!

We love more than words we say or type could ever express. You are our greatest joy! We can't wait to celebrate you and your life.

All our love - for ever
Mom and Dad

A baby will come.....and HE did!

Before you start reading this post - let me start it by saying nowhere in this "story" am I trying to compare my son to Jesus (it might seem like that depending on how you read it) - this story is a story of a baby....two babies, selfishness and  humbleness.


Each morning as I prepare myself for the day and wait for Rowan to wake up I drink my coffee and I browse facebook - usually to take a look at my facebook memories from the days events of years past.  This reflecting back on last years Christmas season is so emotional for me (hence why it's taken me a while to complete this blog).  Our Christmas of 2014 was one of hope, one of joy, one of faith, one of frustration, one of fear, one of anxiety and above all one of great anticipation.  We expected a lot during this Christmas season.

Last year at this time we were full force into our fertility battle - we were meeting with the specialists - we were doing tests - we were having blood drawn (lots of it) - we were charting temps - we were praying - and we were getting no answers.  Our fertility specialists was hopeful - he was determined to work with us that by Summer 2015 we would be pregnant and expecting our long awaited joy.  Little did we know that Summer 2015 we would have our baby - but at this time last year we had no clue we were expecting yet.  Our doctor, in the midst of frustration from no answers and no results, in the middle of what we saw as our darkest storm, in the chaos that was surrounding us, he made us so hopeful - the kind of hope that is usually only found in the Christmas season.  The kind of hope that came to us years and years and years ago in the form of a different baby.......but not my baby.

Our church in Lafayette - that we just absolutely love - sang this beautiful Christmas song a few times (I had never heard it before that church) called " A Baby Will Come" (if you've never listened to it - go youtube it RIGHT NOW - or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGIe6cSsLzg)
It's a song that tells the story - of our broken world - we were desperate - we were in need - we needed hope that a baby, the Savior would come and save our world.  But in my own little sadness and mess I allowed the selfishness in me to complete forget the world, to look past all those hurting far worse than I was and allowed everything about that song, everything about those moments in church to become about ME!  What about ME?  What about my baby?

To the hungry and meek

To those who grieve

To the broken, in need

A baby will come

Weren't Justin and I broken?  Weren't were grieving?  Wasn't this song exactly about us?  Why won't our baby come?

We have known pain

We’ve felt death’s sting

God, help us believe

This baby will come

We certainly knew pain all too well. Growing up I always thought children wouldn't be for me - until the doctors told me it may not ever happen - then I never wanted anything more - so I knew the pain of what felt like someone ripping my heart out of chest - the kind of pain that leaves you  breathless.  And as for deaths sting??  We were barely 6 weeks past the death of my grandfather - a man I loved more than life.  A man who wanted nothing more than to see Justin and I have babies.....oh we felt that sting.  So where is this baby that is set to come?

I was so wrapped up in selfishness and bitterness (again....I had done so well with letting go of these feelings with the hope and that faith that our time would come) but the death of my grandfather and the holidays made it all so real again.  I remember those times standing in church crying - not wanting to be angry - but just aching over the fact that what I needed and what I wanted seemed so unattainable - forget what the world needed - forget that the song was about the Savior - forget everything - except for ME - what about ME?  It's disgusting how much I thought only about myself - looking back now I want to kick myself for even allowing those feelings to creep in - but this is real life and everything about this story is real.  I'm not proud of myself or how I handled these times - but you never really know what with strike the nerve or what will cause the pain or how your body will react until you are in the middle of it.

Christmas Eve of last year I attending the church service in my home town - something about a Christmas Eve service (anywhere) is so magical.....but I think I needed that service.  Somewhere in the midst of the service, during the chorus of a well known Christmas Hymn, in a random word of the sermon - it hit me - like a ton of bricks.

The angel appeared

Said do not fear

For peace is here

A baby has come

and my heart had peace.  Because thousands of years ago our world was in need a baby did come - HE - the great one came - and he brought joy and hope and peace to a hurting world.  And because that baby came I could have peace that one day (I had no clue that 2.5 days later I would find out our baby was on his way) my baby would come.

As we are mere days away from Christmas - Justin and I are soaking in the love and joy of our almost 4 month old who so joyfully made his first ultrasound appearance just days after Christmas last year.  We are humbled - we are blessed - we are overwhelmed that because the most babe of all came years ago - we were entrusted with this sweet baby boy - to raise - to guide - to love and to point him back to the one who gave him to us.

Maybe you can see why this post was so emotional for me - I had an ugly heart last year - I wanted everything to be about me - and God used his son to humble me - used the birth of his child to remind me - peace has come and joy/hope that never end is freely available to all.

May the love, joy and peace that comes from the birth of Jesus be up on you and your family this season.  We are thankful for each and everyone of you and the roles you have played in not only Justin and I's lives but now Rowan's.  You all are a special gift that adds a little extra love to our everyday.

Cause the kings of this world

Won’t have the last word

That, God, is Yours

For the Baby has come

Merry Christmas - Love, The McMahan's