What does this mean......for us

Shortly after Rowan was born I wrote a blog entry describing all the ways the pregnancy, the birth, the feeding of Rowan was nothing how I planned.....not at all I imagined. I noted in that entry that my new plan was to spend my time memorizing Rowan, knowing his ends and outs and understanding who he was as my son. I would like to think I did a pretty good job of that. I knew the things he liked, the way music spoke to his soul, the way a few thumb rubs over his eyebrows would put him to sleep.  He preferred sippy cups with straws over regular sippy cups. He was adventurous - I couldn't leave him alone. He was the kid that I would find standing on the middle of the kitchen table, he was jumping off the back of the couch and ending up in places that I'm still not sure how he got there. He ran carefree for hours when the weather was nice and stared out the windows in the winter wishing for warmer weather.  We heard time over time "you have what we call a bouncing baby boy".  His energy kept me on my toes.......

Then one day it was like I woke up and my son was no longer the kid I once learned about. Looking back now I can see times when maybe the red flags were there but they seemed so insignificant that I overlooked them. I remember at Rowan's 1 year check up asking the pediatrician "do the terrible twos start at their second birthday or the year leading up to their second birthday?"  Those times were what I imagined having a "normal" toddler was like......but things were suddenly different.  He no longer climbed on things and seemed to tense up when simply climbing to sit in his chair. Now standing on the couch to change his pants cause anxiety and panic.  The word 'haircut' caused meltdowns and the largest alligator tears....you can only imagine what it is like if we actually touched the hair sheers or stepped into a hair salon. When out to eat he was suddenly was complaining "it's too loud" or there's "too many people"....grocery shopping is now a nightmare. He can hear noises that I swear only dogs can hear and the quietest of sounds stop him in his tracks. He started to repeat everything said to him and remembering/following simple steps/instructions was seeming very difficult. Our mornings now require several outfit and sock changes because there always seems to be something wrong with the first one.....second one.....fourth one.......we've FINALLY won the battle on no longer wearing snow boots everywhere!

So what happened? What changed? Where did the boy that I once knew everything about go? I mentioned my concerns to our pediatrician (which let me just say that switching pediatricians has been one of the best decisions we've ever made) we agreed that the concerns warranted something more and referred us for an Occupational Therapy assessment.  Rowan's therapist is great - she recognized our concerns and addressed concerns of her own and put together a plan.............but the assessment was hard to read and a hard pill to swallow.

What is Sensory Processing Disorder and what does this mean?

It means that the boy I once memorized and knew everything about I get to soak in all the moments and memorize all over again. It means that even though his communication and academics are off the charts, emotionally and socially (in certain aspects) he's delayed. It means eating out is not an easy thing and often times meals will get eaten in the car. It means grocery shopping either gets done online or we are armed with headphones and music. It means that the fear of the unknown (in movement) will prevent Rowan from being interested in riding rides. It means that Rowan is rocking a pretty sweet mullet because the fight for a haircut is not worth the heartbreak (at least not right now). It means the McMahan Clan slows down its days and we learn to celebrate the little things.....because for Rowan....for us....they are now BIG things!
It means when he eats a hamburger for dinner and NOT chicken nuggets, a hot dog, pizza or a quesadilla is a VICTORY....it means that when he eats a blue Popsicle instead of a green Popsicle without tears we know it will be a good night. SPD for us means we will live by schedules and that we will talk through the entire every single morning and that IF something in that schedule has to change we will try and prepare Rowan as much as we can and when the change is just too much we hug him tight and let him fight the overload that is going on in his head.

SPD for us means that we will sing "You are my sunshine" 100 times every night if we have to....if that's what it takes for his sweet little mind to slow down and drift to sleep. It means the nights when his body and his mind won't stop - we will sit with him and read books all hours of the night and morning.

And so while the diagnosis is new and right now the days are so rough and a lot of mornings result in tears (from multiple people) it means we have another day to fight and to advocate for our boy. Even if play dates get cut short that means we have people in our corner encouraging us and supporting his social developments.....it means that even thought our finger painted pictures only have 4 spots on them and not a sheet covered in multi colored thumb prints that he TRIED a messy project and the minimal marks means he still didn't like it.....HE TRIED. Everyday we are learning new things all over again about our boy. Everyday will be a new journey......it's a new roller coaster ride.

Everyday is not good......but there is something good in everyday. We are so thankful for our boy - for his quirks and all the new little things that make him who he is. We are thankful for our tribe. We are thankful for our pediatrician. We are thankful for our therapist. We are THANKFUL for a kind and understanding school for Rowan. Above all we are thankful to be Rowan's parents p thankful that God saw Justin and I fit to walk these days with Rowan.

We are hopeful that there are new developments everyday for SPD. We recognize that SPD is different for each child diagnosed - we have exactly who we need to advocate, educate, celebrate and prepare Rowan.

The days are long but these years are short. We are nothing less than blessed to have this incredible boy as the light of our lives.

The story of Justin and Heather......

In a few short days Justin and I will have the privilege of celebrating 5 years of marriage!  While 5 years doesn't seem like an awful long time to most, in this day and age - 5 years is a big victory and for me personally when I re-read the pages and the chapters of our story (so far) it's the biggest victory I've ever won.

In social media posts about Justin I often mention how thankful I am for loving a person like me, for meeting me in a really dark place and helping bring me to life - for picking up the pieces of a very broken girl and helping put them back together. I don't use phrases like that lightly - when Justin and I started "dating" ( I can't say met because we've known each other since 4th grade) I was sitting at a place lower than rock bottom. I was in a place where I walked away from everything that made sense to me....I walked away from friends and I walked away from church. I needed something to feel a void that was in my life....and lucky Justin took a chance and asked me on a date (although some days I still blame the post surgery pain meds I was on) - I needed an escape and I wasn't looking for anyone and I didn't want anything with meaning.

The morning of Justin and I's first date.....I received my finalized divorce papers in the mail. Yes you read that right....divorce papers. I was fully ready to cancel our date if they didn't arrive that day because the thought of going on  a date with someone when still legally married made me sick....and instead of dealing with my heartbreak, instead of grieving one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to do....I ran to a first date....on the same day I was legally not married anymore......and 5 years later I'm saying....

I'M SO HAPPY THAT I DID!

That escape I thought I was running to....ended up being my second chance at everything - at life, at love, at happiness, at gratitude, at happily every after. I walked away from my faith and the church and Justin walked me right back to it. I walked away from my friends and Justin walked me right back to them. I sat at a place lower than rock bottom and Justin climbed back to the light with me. It wasn't an easy battle for either one of us, but he took each day one step at a time with me. He grieved difficult moments with me, he left me talk out the anger that I never discussed, he let me be crazy and questions everything he did. He let me not trust him in order to learn to trust again. He gave me hope when I had lost it all.

Our story is not some fairy tale that people hope and wish for, but it's the greatest story I've ever read. It holds truth, redemption, love, and hope. It centers Christ and the strength that only comes from Him. Our marriage is so beautiful - a marriage I never anticipated, at first never wanted and I definitely don't deserve.

I hear it almost daily that people don't know how I live the life we live, never knowing when Justin will be home, never knowing when he will work - they don't know how I deal with his line or work. The truth is - I "handle" it because Justin has handled so much more. He's the reason I wake up each morning grateful. He's the reason I wake trudge through the valleys and keep going on the days I want to give up. He is my life and everyday of every year, I am so thankful he continues to choose me. I am so thankful that he saw who I was and not who I use to be. I am so thankful that he looked past the road I once walked and paved a new way for the two of us.  And today, almost 5 years later, I am so thankful that everyday he chooses me!

Our story is just beginning and everyday I am grateful to be building this life with Justin! Happy early Anniversary Justin, life with you is one grand adventure - thank you for daily choosing me!  Looking forward to many more years of celebration with you and a trip away to Jamaica ;)

When life hands you lemons

It's been a while and if you are one that actually reads and enjoys my posts, sorry.  Lots is going on. I've written a few posts only to delete them all, but here I am once again and hopefully this time I will have hit the publish button.

I've been in a weird state of mind of the last several months. I started battling debilitating migraines, and for those of you that have battled these for years, I just want to hug you because I'm not sure how you do it and I don't know how you haven't gone crazy. Medications haven't worked and we were able to narrow down a cause, but unfortunately, maybe fortunately, the cause was created by other issues I was dealing with.  So last week I underwent surgery - not a full hysterectomy - but enough that there will be no more McMahan Clan babies - and with that I have been very sad.  It was a decision that Justin and I had to make as the pain was getting to unbearable for me, but it wasn't an easy decision to make and it wasn't a decision we made lightly. But we trudged those difficult conversations and we made a decision we both felt was right and was necessary.......and I am sad.

I'm sad because my siblings mean the world to me. The make my life rich. They are my built in best friends and the thought of Rowan not experiencing that kills me, breaks my heart. I've heard people say "well you didn't want anymore anyways"....partially correct.....Justin and I both thought that maybe we would be a 1 child family but at the moment we weren't 100% for sure that we would be one and done - but now we are. And comments like that hurt. Even if we knew there was no thought of us wanting anymore children it doesn't make this decision any easier.

I've heard people say and I've read online "maybe you could just adopt".  JUST adopt...because adopting is so easy!  It has crossed our mind, it has been something we have discussed. Not in detail and nothing super serious, but we've added it to our prayer list. But did you know that we've already been down that road. We've had 2....kind of 3 (as one was for twins) failed adoptions before we were blessed with Rowan......so we are hesitant - not closed off - hesitant. We know the pain of a failed adoption.....it's not something you easily get over. I still wonder about those 3 babies!

But through all of the sadness, through my days when my mind wonders to not so pleasant places, I come back to the realization that family isn't necessarily about blood.  My best friend Dustin 'Sunshine' passed away at the end of February. It was a death I wasn't expecting, it was a smack in the face that I wasn't prepared for and it's been an event that took a piece of my heart to heaven. He was one of the greatest friends a person could ask for. A smile, laughter and personality that was contagious, it was infectious, it changed the mood of a whole room. Sunshine was family. He was my other little brother, even though he towered over me. His sister, Mini Me, is the little sister BLOOD never gave me, but LIFE did. Mama G and Daddy G, well they are my second set of parents. The family as a whole, the Grinstead Homestead, is family. They are my family. We share no blood, but they, all of them, have always been there. No matter the life circumstances. Sunshine and Heather (see why she's called Mini Me) are bonus siblings that require no blood.

I pray Rowan gets a Sunshine. And pray that Sunshine comes with a Mini Me and that those two LIFE given siblings come from a Mama G and a Daddy G. A family so full of love that they welcome Rowan with open arms, always have the door left open for him and think of him as one of their own.  Everyone needs a Sunshine. Everyone needs a Grinstead Homestead.

At our church, our second home. There is a cluster of boys. And I might be biased, but they are the most adorable boys I've ever seen. They are born within days of each other - they started life together, they are being raised in the Church together. These are the brothers Rowan has been handed. Not from blood from LIFE....from God, the best kind of brothers. I pray these boys develop rich relationships and as they get older they have each others backs.....even if life draws us in different directions.

Some of our best friends are our neighbors. Moving out to the country was one of the best decisions we made. Those friends, have the most precious little girl I've ever seen. This is a sister given to Rowan, not from blood but from LIFE....from God. To watch the two of them play is joyful. He wants to include her in everything, but is also very cautious and gentle around her. He sweet soul warms my heart.

On days when I feel the saddest, I'm reminded of just how much my life has been blessed. I am a very fortunate one that was blessed with incredible blood family. I know that at any moment someone, whether a cousin, aunt or uncle is a phone call away and would be willing to help. But more than blood family I have some of the best friends and people in my life. They are family, God given and not blood given and contrary to the popular saying, sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water.

For those of you who daily fuel my life with love, encouragement and prayer - you are treasured, especially in this valley I am walking through. I know that if Rowan stays an only child, he will be fine, he may not know the full joy blood siblings, but his life is rich. He has been and will continue to be blessed with amazing people to love him, to teach him, to encourage him, to pray for and with him. It really does take a village. Our village is the best.


Justin and I are so thankful for the people in our life. We covet your prayers as we continue to emotionally deal with difficult days.

Ethan Nicholas....

Let me preface this by saying (and I shouldn’t have to but I know how some people get). I have 3 nephews and 1 niece – I love them all the same. I don’t have a favorite BUT there is a very special place in my heart for my nephew Ethan – for many reasons – but a lot of small reasons turned into one.

I remember the day he was born (kind of), I remember the days surrounding when he was born. I was home for Christmas Break and I was doing everything in my power to get my sister to have that baby. Making her walk, jumping jacks, I probably told her to do sit-ups, anything I read about online or could think, I was making her try (I’m a horrible sister – ha).  I failed. Big time.

I was driving back to Olivet for the semester with my dad when my sister called and told me her doctor was scheduling her to come in the next day (seriously? The day AFTER I go back from being home for weeks) to have Ethan and she wanted to make sure I was ok with that (HA!).  I should have known then that he was going to have a special way about him. I WISH I would have realized then that this would be a sign that God was going to use Him – for my sake and for my life.  After returning to Olivet, a horrible ice storm and freezing temperatures came through, prompting the University to close and cancel classes.  Luckily for me, the weather in Indiana was MUCH better so I was able to get off campus and get home to see that baby boy.

(If you were sitting next to me right now you would see the tears coming. I can almost guarantee that if you are sitting next to my sister or mom when they read this, they are probably crying).

The next morning after I got back home, I went up to the hospital with my mom and laid eyes on the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. He was so tiny and new and just breathe taking. It was the day Ethan and my sister were being discharged so while my sister showered and dressed and ate – I soaked in the love and the joy that was laying in my arms.

And I prayed…….. I prayed that God would use this boy for his glory, use him in ways that would bring love and compassion to a hurting world, prayed that Ethan would know and love Christ and that he would follow God’s planned as it unfolded before him.

(ok now let the tears fall……….)

I had no idea that in 2 years of Ethan being born, God was going to take my prayers for that precious boy and use them to bring me to a place of grace, a place of light, a place of happiness. The prayer I had prayed was going to be an answer to another prayer – more of a desperate plead to God to send me a ray of hope.

In 2011, Ethan turned 2 and it was the darkest year of my life. You know how people reference – “hitting rock bottom”?  I hit a space below rock bottom.  The days were so dark I don’t even know how I survived….except I do….it was Ethan. 

I was living back with parents due to circumstances that I don’t even want to begin to think about again and everyday – he was there. He greeted me with his sweet smile – whispered the most precious “Hi Hiya” (he couldn’t say Heather). And the moments when I was slipping his tiny little arms would wrap around me and embrace me in the most loving embrace that the troubles I was facing, the dark hole that I was living in would chisel away ever so slowly and this tiny little 2 year old – who was so wise and loving beyond his years – brought back light.

Remember when I mentioned that I prayed – errr – desperately pleaded to God for a glimpse of hope? – He was there – and he was two. He was the hope that better and brighter days were to come.

In a couple days, Ethan will be 8! E-I-G-H-T!  I don’t even know how it’s possible that I am typing that number – EIGHT!!!  Eight years ago this boy made me an aunt. He gave me a title that I, every day since then, have cherished. Six years ago be saved me (might sound weird to say about someone who was 2 – but it’s true) from a nightmare.  He will forever be my saving grace – my glimpse of hope. My sweet, loving and compassionate nephew – who is still way wiser and more loving than any 8 year old I know.

Ethan Nicholas, I will never be able to thank you enough for being you – sweet, adorable and lovable you. You will never understand all you have done for me and all you have taught me. From that first day I saw you I have continued and will continue to pray “Heavenly Father, protect this boy. Guide him, love him, and use his life to bring your glory”!

Big things are in store for you my buddy! Don’t EVER change your sweet innocent ways. Don’t let the world change your sweet compassionate heart. Use your love for other people and CHANGE THE WORLD! I know you will!  You are destined for GREAT things.

HAPPY 8^TH BIRTHDAY Ethan! My love and gratitude for you is so deep – you will never fully understand and I will never be able to accurately tell you. I hope this next year of life is the best one yet!

The song of Victory.....a post about my grandfather

"And some sweet day, I'll sing up there, the song of victory"

I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old, standing in between my grandparents during a church service rolling my eyes, wondering why I had to be here and why were we singing these OOOLLLDDD songs?? I vividly can remember the sound of my sweet grandfather's adorable old man voice singing about this sweet victory in Jesus.

My grandfather was the sweetest old soul. If one word could describe him - it would be ornery - oh gosh was the man ornery. He had a smile and laugh that could brighten your day - he could change the mood of any room with that tilted sideways grin that he had. He loved a good joke and always loved "pulling our leg"

He had a way about him that made everyone feel good about themselves. I never had a conversation with him where he didn't call me "doll", tell me I was pretty or beautiful or tell me that he was proud of me. The truth is he didn't have to tell me he was proud of me - I knew it and I still know it to this day. My grandfather would be so proud of who I am now, the marriage I have with Justin and Rowan would be the little sidekick he needed. My son is just as ornery as he was!

Ever year I would find a piece of mail in my mailbox addressed specifically the me in my grandfather's hand writing (typically in all capital letters) asking me to attend an organ recital with him - knowing full well I would "kindly" decline (worst childhood experience - EVER). That was our little joke - our inside laugh.  And each holiday, I would give him the biggest plate of desserts he asked for - the man was in his 80's, he was a thin man and he battled Crohn's disease for most of his life, if wanted chocolate cake instead of turkey - by golly he was going to get the biggest piece of chocolate cake we could fit on a plate.....even though we knew he would only eat half.

My grandfather was a milkshake lover - nothing said "I love you grandpa" like showing up unexpected with a milkshake in hand. When I was young and stayed with grandpa we typically took a trip to 1 of 2 places - Fraizer's or 76 - Grandpa would get a milkshake and I would have a Bahama Mama slushy - we would sit and enjoy each others company. I think I learned my quick whit and sarcasm from him, when I proudly showed him that I had learned my ABC's he asked me if I could say them backwards - of course I could!.....I turned around backwards and said my ABC's!  My grandmother loves this story - so if you ever talk to her - she's bound to tell it to you.

Growing up my grandfather always called the couch a davenport - no clue why but for the longest time (before I knew what it was) I thought davenport was a "bad (cuss)" word and for the life of me couldn't figure out why my grandfather hated the couch so much.  Speaking of the couch, it was on that couch in their house in Central Avenue where I laughed until I cried and screamed my lungs out watching my grandfather chase a squirrel out of the back room with a broom.....OH MY GOSH....i'm laughing typing about this because it is still the funniest thing I've ever seen!

Two years ago this Friday, my sweet soul of a grandfather gained a reward he longed for. He went to a mansion specially prepared for him by the Creator of all things who he loved more than anything. He now "sings up there, the song of victory".  I could spend days telling you stories about my grandpa and it would take the rest of my life meeting all the people whose live he impacted - but if you never met him in real life - my stories and my memories won't do justice to who he is.  

My son is partially named after my grandfather and every time he does something rotten, ornery or mischievious (which is just about always - he is a 14month old boy) I can hear my grandfather's snicker - boasting in pride of a little one just as silly, spunky and rotten as he. My son has the sweetest, most caring heart, that I know also came from my grandfather and I hope one day he turns into the sweet, Jesus loving soul my grandfather was.

As the anniversary of my grandfather's homecoming arrives in a couple days I won't be grieving in my sadness - I will be celebrating the Victory in Jesus we received....a prize so great that I remember him singing about so many years ago.  And I will strive to be the Jesus loving person he was, to live my life awaiting that same sweet victory so that one we can drink milkshakes and slushies, and not go to organ recitals and joke and laugh and reminisce about squirrels in Heaven, so that one day I can hear his sweet old man voice and ornery laughter echo through the voices of angels.

Heaven is certainly a more entertaining place now that he is there. I miss him every moment of every day, but I strive each day knowing that he is proud of me and who I am becoming.  Enjoy your next year in Heaven, grandpa - see you again one day!

p.s if you could - send a little less rottenness to Rowan, this mama could use a break ;) 

On the eve of your first birthday!

You were 4 months old the last time I wrote and here we are less than 24 hours away from your first birthday!  Did I really just type that? YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY??!!?? We survived - we did it - we conquered the first 365 days!

What a year it has been!  You, my sweet son, are spit fire and a ball of super charged energy. You are strong willed, you are stubborn, you are ornery, you are independent. (Which leads me to believe you were named correctly! Your great grandfathers were all those things) You are a lover, you are a bear hug giver, you are a sloppy big kiss planter! You are joy, you are laughter, you are so much personality. You are the light of our family - and I still can't figure out how we managed without you.

The days of this first year were long. We encountered many scary days as we faced health uncertainties. As we battled medications and bad reactions, as we traveled to many different doctors. As we waited test results.

I have never been more scared in my life than I have been this past year.

But I have also never had so much joy and love in my life than I have this past year.

Just like the days, weeks, months, years that we waited for you - this first year of your life God was always one step ahead. He kept you safe, He protected you. He carried your father and I. He caught every tear I cried. He has made his plans known for you - and for that we are so grateful.

I have to write this a day early because tomorrow - my emotions may be too much. My heart, some days, cannot handle everything I feel for you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but hurts in the best of ways.  I have prayed - every day that I am succeeding as a parent. Wondering if I'm doing things correctly, but I'm pretty sure every parent has wondered those same things.

I keep replaying the day of your birth in my head. How scared I was, scared because I knew that my c-section was happening to keep you and I both safe, scared that something could still go seriously wrong. Scared that as soon as they placed in my arms, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know how to be a mom or how to take care of you. One year later, I still fear those same things. I don't have a clue to what I am doing - but we've survived - you've thrived!

I remember Dr. Ramirez saying "Daddy stand up and get your camera ready, you're about to meet your son" and then you started screaming...I mean WAILING......and you haven't really stopped since then - LOL! I remember laying there crying - but not realizing I was crying and trying to see you out of the corner of my eye. My gosh you were so beautiful.....and you still are!  And then 2 days later they let us bring you home - just you, dad and me and suddenly we were a family of 3 and we were doing this on our own.

I can't believe you are 1!  You are so smart! You are adventurous (Lord help us now), you are crazy, you are hilarious! You are my life!  You are what my life was missing and this past year my heart has been complete.

WE (your dad and I) are the lucky ones - for some reason God thought that we were worthy enough for you to call us momma and dadda. We get to raise you - we get to teach you, while at the same time allowing you to teach us.  I could spend all day writing about everything my heart feels as tomorrow comes and we celebrate YOU (well and Kee).

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY Rowan Keith! I don't know how we managed life without you! We are so thankful you are here and completed our family!

We love more than words we say or type could ever express. You are our greatest joy! We can't wait to celebrate you and your life.

All our love - for ever
Mom and Dad

A baby will come.....and HE did!

Before you start reading this post - let me start it by saying nowhere in this "story" am I trying to compare my son to Jesus (it might seem like that depending on how you read it) - this story is a story of a baby....two babies, selfishness and  humbleness.


Each morning as I prepare myself for the day and wait for Rowan to wake up I drink my coffee and I browse facebook - usually to take a look at my facebook memories from the days events of years past.  This reflecting back on last years Christmas season is so emotional for me (hence why it's taken me a while to complete this blog).  Our Christmas of 2014 was one of hope, one of joy, one of faith, one of frustration, one of fear, one of anxiety and above all one of great anticipation.  We expected a lot during this Christmas season.

Last year at this time we were full force into our fertility battle - we were meeting with the specialists - we were doing tests - we were having blood drawn (lots of it) - we were charting temps - we were praying - and we were getting no answers.  Our fertility specialists was hopeful - he was determined to work with us that by Summer 2015 we would be pregnant and expecting our long awaited joy.  Little did we know that Summer 2015 we would have our baby - but at this time last year we had no clue we were expecting yet.  Our doctor, in the midst of frustration from no answers and no results, in the middle of what we saw as our darkest storm, in the chaos that was surrounding us, he made us so hopeful - the kind of hope that is usually only found in the Christmas season.  The kind of hope that came to us years and years and years ago in the form of a different baby.......but not my baby.

Our church in Lafayette - that we just absolutely love - sang this beautiful Christmas song a few times (I had never heard it before that church) called " A Baby Will Come" (if you've never listened to it - go youtube it RIGHT NOW - or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGIe6cSsLzg)
It's a song that tells the story - of our broken world - we were desperate - we were in need - we needed hope that a baby, the Savior would come and save our world.  But in my own little sadness and mess I allowed the selfishness in me to complete forget the world, to look past all those hurting far worse than I was and allowed everything about that song, everything about those moments in church to become about ME!  What about ME?  What about my baby?

To the hungry and meek

To those who grieve

To the broken, in need

A baby will come

Weren't Justin and I broken?  Weren't were grieving?  Wasn't this song exactly about us?  Why won't our baby come?

We have known pain

We’ve felt death’s sting

God, help us believe

This baby will come

We certainly knew pain all too well. Growing up I always thought children wouldn't be for me - until the doctors told me it may not ever happen - then I never wanted anything more - so I knew the pain of what felt like someone ripping my heart out of chest - the kind of pain that leaves you  breathless.  And as for deaths sting??  We were barely 6 weeks past the death of my grandfather - a man I loved more than life.  A man who wanted nothing more than to see Justin and I have babies.....oh we felt that sting.  So where is this baby that is set to come?

I was so wrapped up in selfishness and bitterness (again....I had done so well with letting go of these feelings with the hope and that faith that our time would come) but the death of my grandfather and the holidays made it all so real again.  I remember those times standing in church crying - not wanting to be angry - but just aching over the fact that what I needed and what I wanted seemed so unattainable - forget what the world needed - forget that the song was about the Savior - forget everything - except for ME - what about ME?  It's disgusting how much I thought only about myself - looking back now I want to kick myself for even allowing those feelings to creep in - but this is real life and everything about this story is real.  I'm not proud of myself or how I handled these times - but you never really know what with strike the nerve or what will cause the pain or how your body will react until you are in the middle of it.

Christmas Eve of last year I attending the church service in my home town - something about a Christmas Eve service (anywhere) is so magical.....but I think I needed that service.  Somewhere in the midst of the service, during the chorus of a well known Christmas Hymn, in a random word of the sermon - it hit me - like a ton of bricks.

The angel appeared

Said do not fear

For peace is here

A baby has come

and my heart had peace.  Because thousands of years ago our world was in need a baby did come - HE - the great one came - and he brought joy and hope and peace to a hurting world.  And because that baby came I could have peace that one day (I had no clue that 2.5 days later I would find out our baby was on his way) my baby would come.

As we are mere days away from Christmas - Justin and I are soaking in the love and joy of our almost 4 month old who so joyfully made his first ultrasound appearance just days after Christmas last year.  We are humbled - we are blessed - we are overwhelmed that because the most babe of all came years ago - we were entrusted with this sweet baby boy - to raise - to guide - to love and to point him back to the one who gave him to us.

Maybe you can see why this post was so emotional for me - I had an ugly heart last year - I wanted everything to be about me - and God used his son to humble me - used the birth of his child to remind me - peace has come and joy/hope that never end is freely available to all.

May the love, joy and peace that comes from the birth of Jesus be up on you and your family this season.  We are thankful for each and everyone of you and the roles you have played in not only Justin and I's lives but now Rowan's.  You all are a special gift that adds a little extra love to our everyday.

Cause the kings of this world

Won’t have the last word

That, God, is Yours

For the Baby has come

Merry Christmas - Love, The McMahan's

It wasnt what I planned....

I've been forming this blog post in my head for almost a week now and kept telling myself not to write it.....not sure why but I would always walk away to do something else (probably care for my newborn but still). Then someone posted an article about having a c-section and it sparked this post in my head once again.....so here it is.

When Justin and I got married, I had a plan. Knowing that I had PCOS and thyroid issues and my doctor throwing around testing for endometriosis, I knew there could possibly be a difficulty getting pregnant (and the time I was thinking like 5 months of trying instead of getting pregnant right away) so I knew I wanted to start shortly after marriage for a baby. In my perfect plan - Justin and I would get pregnant, I would have a fairly easy pregnancy (ha- I was t planning this part, just hoping), I would go into labor and have an all natural, non medicated delivery. Once my baby was born they would be laid upon my chest for skin on skin and then I would nurse them and start this beautiful bond through breastfeeding.

My plan was seriously so screwed up when it was laid next to God's plan!

Instead of it taking 5 months to get pregnant it took 2 years....this should have been my first clue to throw my plan out the window. I did have a relatively easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, I passed my glucose test with flying colors and my baby always had the heartbeat of a champion. At 18 weeks we found out or beautiful baby BOY was healthy as could be. Rowan soon was growing large and measuring way ahead of schedule - my doctor discussed possibly having an induction closer to my due date to save from me delivering a way too large baby (I was 10lbs at birth). End of pregnancy came and due to Rowan's size (though he came "smaller" than we were thinking) and some other minor red flags popping up my doctor was no longer comfortable doing an induction and if we let me go naturally it would have put me and Rowan and potentially serious risk......so I found myself scheduled for a Caesarean section.

THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN!

I spent two days crying. Trying to come to terms with how things were now developing and praying that my water would break and I wouldn't have to go through with the surgery. Remember, I had a plan. My water never broke and labor never started so we arrived at the hospital for scheduled surgery and my son was then born. Instead of him being laid on my chest for skin to skin o watched out of the corner or my eye as doctors and nurses examined him, I heard my husband talk to him and tell him how much we already loved him. I got a 10 second glance of him before Justin and Rowan were scooted out of the operating room and I was stitched up and sent to recovery. It was an hour or longer after Rowan's birth before I got to hold him. This definitely was not in my plan.
  I got to nurse Rowan in recovery and he did really well - I remember feeling some relief when I thought one part of my plan was going to pan out. I nursed while in the hospital and feared it wasn't working but the nurses were so wonderful and so encouraging - I never doubted that they didn't have my sons best interest at hand. Had there been an issuing nursing I believe they would have stepped in. We came home from the hospital and Rowan cried.....no no he screamed for over 3 hours!  He wouldn't latch to nurse, in fact he wouldn't even come near me to even try. In a crying desperate state I asked Justin for a little bottle of supplemental formula - he drank it like he hadn't ate since birth. Thinking maybe he just didn't like to latch I decided that I would pump and feed him through a bottle - except the milk never came in and I couldn't pump any for him to eat. My child became a formula baby.

THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN!

No part of my original plan was working and parts of me were devastated - but on August 24, 2015 at 8:27am nothing I wanted mattered and everything was now about Rowan. So I made a new plan.

I plan to memorize your sweet little face. Every line - every dimple. I will know them by heart. I plan to memorize your cry and exactly what it may mean. On the days when you only want to sleep on chest I plan to soak in your scent and when you want held I plan to hold you as long as you want and as close to me as I can get. I plan to tell you 100x a day that I Love you and that I'm so thankful you were created and created just for us. I plan to cover you in kisses and take so many pictures that all my phone memory fills up. I plan to dream and hope for you and then once you're old enough to dream and hope on your own I plan to dream and hope even bigger.

I had a plan for you and nothing I planned worked out. So now I start over and my second plan is even bigger and better than the first. Nothing about you is what I planned but you ended up being so much more than any plan I had in my head. Until our last day together on earth I plan to love more deeply and more whole heartedly than  anything I ever dreamed. You gave my life meaning and I plan to show you every second of every day just how grateful I am that you are nothing I had planned.

My easily conceived - all natural - breastfed baby who became my 2 years of infertility - c section - formula fed dream come true. You are everything my heart and life needed.

A blog all about your favorite guy!

Our sweet Rowan - I left the doctor's office not too long ago and got to hear your heartbeat once again - I get giddy every time I hear it and you get mad every time they use the wand to capture the sound - you do not like being messed with!  You are your father's child - lol.  Speaking of your father - I already wrote to you about some of the amazing men that will be a huge part of your life and there is no doubt that your daddy with be the biggest.  In two days we get to celebrate him - we celebrate his First Father's Day!  I am so excited to celebrate him - he is an amazing man!  Let me tell you about him - all about him - but understand that in this entry words will fail me to accurately and fully describe to you what your father is like.  He's beyond words - he's beyond my understanding (in many many ways) - he's more than I could imagine.

Your daddy is so caring! He is the sweetest and kindest man I know. He loves with his whole heart. I have never doubted his love for me and since we found out about you - I have never doubted his love for you.  Son, if nothing else I hope you learn you will never have to wonder if your father loves you - the answer will always be YES - in more ways and in deeper depths than you will ever know.  He will be the greatest father I just know it.

One thing you will learn as you grow is daddy doesn't work like most of your friends daddy's - they all work hard - and they all provide - but daddy's work schedule is very different.  Daddy is a train conductor and his schedule pulls him to his job whenever his phone rings.  Sometimes we will know when that is, but most of the time we won't.  It;s something mommy has somewhat adjusted to and is still working to adjust to and once you arrive we will both adjust to it together.  What I can tell you is that when daddy is not at his job - his attention will be on you.  Loving on you, teaching you, being amazed as you grow - daddy works the job he works so that we can provide for you the best kind of future.  I hope that as you grow you become so proud to have him as your father - I know I am proud to have him as my husband.

Your daddy is the funniest person I know. Rowan, don't marry someone that you can't laugh with. When rough days and dark nights come that laughter will provide light - I am so grateful your daddy was able to see me through some dark moments. His laughter is contagious - you can't help but smile when he is around.  He's such an awesome guy! I can see it years from now the two of you playing with your toys sharing knock knock jokes or any other joke you can come up with.  You both will think it's the funniest thing ever.  I hope you grow to see your dad's see sense of humor and want to be funny just like him.

Everything that I could hope for you Rowan is in the man your father is. I hope and I pray that you become just like him.  I hope you love like your father loves, I hope you're a hard worker like your daddy is, I hope you enjoy the simple days where we just lounge around the house.  I hope you have a soft spot in your heart for dogs and an appreciation for old country music.  I hope find interest in history (or you can be like mom and enjoy science more) and a LOVE for sports (preferably the Cowboys and NOT the Packers).  I hope that as you get bigger (or if you wanted to stay little I'm really ok with that) your daddy becomes your hero - I hope you strive everyday to be just like him.  I hope you mimic the things he does, try to walk in his shoes, help him with chores and do things like he does.  I hope you miss him when he is on the trains and get so excited when he comes home. I can't wait to watch the two of you playing catch in the back hard or shooting hoops. I look forward to you guys lounging on the couch -probably napping - but saying your watching the game.

Above all these things I have written - I can't wait for you to meet your daddy - he is the best around - you were hand picked just for us - but your daddy was hand picked just for you.  Your daddy already loves you more than life and is elated for you to get here.

Here's to your daddy - the man we both love!
Happy 1st Father's Day, sweetheart

Why we still talk about infertility.....

In the months since we found out we were expecting I've been asked several times and by several different people "why do you still talk about your infertility journey?" "why do you still post about infertility?" "since you're pregnant doesn't that mean infertility doesn't apply to you?" "doesn't it seem ironic to you to have a tattoo symbolizing infertility while you are pregnant?"

The questions have been unending - overwhelming - and almost ignorant at some points.  Let me tell you why Justin and I still talk about infertility and why I don't find my tattoo ironic.

It is no secret that Justin and I hoped for, prayed for and tried for a baby for 2 years - when we found out that there would be fertility issues for both of us we knew it was  cause that we wanted to have a voice for.  We have known and loved many who dealt with infertility long before we did - we didn't know what it was like to be in their shoes (at the time) but suddenly we did.  We know not everyone is as open about their infertility journey as we were - but as a couple we knew it wasn't something we would be quiet about.  We had full faith in the power of prayer and in the power of numbers.  Unfortunately, infertility is much more common than I would every hope for it to be and too many people that I know and love have dealt with or are currently dealing with some form of infertility.  We still talk about it for THEM!

Through our journey we found a lot of support - from people who suffered infertility and now have beautiful families with precious babies (or growing kids), from people who were still walking the journey of infertility either waiting for their first child or dealing the pain of secondary infertility (believe me it's a very real thing), and from people who were blessed to conceive babies with no problem.  Through our journey I met ladies in my close radius who knew the path I was walking and they prayed for me and they loved me. Through our journey I met ladies who came to me and said "thank you for sharing, I am currently dealing with the same issues" and our friendships blossomed.  
I still talk about infertility because of these people.  The people who were no longer on my journey - they beat the odds and they supported me - imagine if once these ladies had babies they stopped talking about infertility - how would I have managed with out that support and understanding?  I still talk about infertility because of these ladies - because they gave me hope and faith on some of the roughest days.

When we found out we were expecting - we were overjoyed.  I had women reach out to me and say "thank you for sharing your journey - your story gives me hope" or "I have the same medical issues you have and your story gives me hope that one day I will be in your shoes"  How do you turn your backs on that?  We still have friends and family waiting to get those positive test results - waiting to hear the first heartbeat and waiting to see the little dot on the ultrasound screen.  We waited once too - and now we wait for them - and when they hit weak moments like we did - we stand for them, because once someone stood and waited in our place.

1 in 8 is a lot of couples - and with statistics like that someone you love so much is bound to deal with these difficult moments and these hard days - but if we never let our voice go silent - then our strength can build their strength and they will see the rainbow at the end of the rain storm.

We still talk about infertility - because Rowan doesn't end our story - he's our next chapter.  We still talk about infertility because others talked about infertility with us.  We still talk about infertility because someone out there needs to hear that this isn't how their story ends.  We still talk about infertility because it is our story - I don't find my tattoo ironic because it is a part of our story. We still talk about infertility because we won't let our voice be silenced.  Most importantly we still talk about infertility because too many couples that we love so much are still waiting!

Our First Mother's Day "together"

To you Rowan on our first Mother's Day "together" - there are no words to describe the sense of love, pride and accomplishment I already feel being your mother - can't wait to hold you, to snuggle you, to kiss all over your tiny little face and to show you just how much you are loved and how by having you - it has become the greatest accomplishment of my life.

But this post is not about me - this is about some of the important ladies in your life that have molded and shaped your mommy to hopefully be the best mommy for you that you could ever need.

Let's start with Nana (your mommy's mom) - she was the first one with mommy when we found out we would be expecting you!  She cried with that initial report from the doctor and has encouraged mommy every step of the way.  She is so excited for you!  You wouldn't believe the paths your Nana and Mommy have walked together.  Your mommy was NOT always the nicest person - especially to Nana when growing up - but the older I get the more I realize just how special your Nana is. She loves without question! She's always up for a good time - the relationships she has built with Ethan and Raegann are so fun to watch and I can't wait to see what the relationship you make with her is like.  She looks forward to working from the Lafayette branch of her bank just so she can spend more time with you.  It's be a blessing and a joy to have her every step of the way with this pregnancy.

One of your mommy's first best friends was your Aunt Cindy - and she continues to be one of mommy's best friends.  It seriously was so much fun growing up with a big sister - the funnest part has been the older I get the more her friends become my friends.  To say your Aunt Cindy is excited for you to get here - would be an understatement if I ever heard one!  She had the BEST reaction to our news that we were expecting you.  She has waited for you for so long - her heart broke with mommy's when we thought there might never be you.  Be prepared to be spoiled! That's the best part of having an aunt.

Great Grandma Krisher and Ehrhart - seriously Rowan these are two of the sweetest ladies that will be a part of your life.  One of the best parts of having them in your life is every second, every breath, every moment you will be covered in prayer.  They are God fearing - prayer believing - good hearted women.  If you were to meet someone that knows them you would hear all about how much that person loves your great grandma.  You will always have a full belly, a tight hug and an I love you each time you see them.

Mamaw - your Mamaw is your daddy's mom - and like the above mentioned women she can't wait for you!  She has hoped for you since - well before mommy and daddy were "officially" dating.  She calls and texts often to check on you and mommy - make sure we are both healthy and happy - thankfully we've both been good so far!

A fun fact about your Aunt Brittany (daddy's sister) - is mommy and Aunt Brittany were friends long before anyone ever thought your daddy and I would end up together.  Aunt Brittany is giving you another cousin due just 3.5 weeks before you - how cool that you will have a boy cousin to literally grow up with.  Outside of giving you two outstanding cousins (you will just LOVE Landon) - your Aunt Brittany will you love you so much!  She's already told mommy she can't wait to love all over you.

Rowan if you can't tell - you have some amazing women that are a part of your life! (clearly Mommy is the best - but I'm only as good as the women before me)

I will say it as many times as I can - but you are so loved - so treasured and we CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO GET HERE!!!!!!

So on our first Mother's Day together - we celebrate the women in our lives!  The women that have helped mommy be the person she is and the women who love every growing ounce of you!

Dear Rowan,

My sweet boy - it still seems unreal to me that I am writing my first letter to you - my child - my son - my soon to be first born.  What a special child you are! Will never fully know or understand the depths of the love you daddy and I have for- or how many people in the world love you and are so thankful for you.  Rowan, you wouldn't believe the mass amounts of people that have prayed for you and hoped for you and have loved you from the moment of our first prayer for you.  You may not ever meet all these people - but your daddy and I will try our best to show to you just how loved you are - how many people love and adore you - and just how special and adored you are......by people outside your blood family!

When we found out that we were expecting you - we threw around names for quite sometime. Thankfully you aren't a girl because trying to find a girl name was stressful for daddy and I :)  We knew shortly from the beginning that if we were to have a boy we wanted a strong name - something that you could really grow into.  ROWAN KEITH!  The meanings of names may not be the strongest or the most masculine - but the meaning of the names to us is more than I could ever hope for you.  You see Rowan, you were named after 2 mean that I only wish you would get to meet on this side of Heaven.  While, I truly believe they already know you and you already know them and that they somehow played a HUGE part in you being given to us - the ache of never seeing them hold you is very strong to mommy.  Rowan, you were named after your 2 great grandfathers (mommy's grandpas) and they are 2 of the greatest men I have ever loved and ever known.  As you grow up, you will probably catch mommy cry a time or two as she looks at you or tells you about them, because so much of you is a reminder of everything they were.  The impact they had on my life I will never be able to match - they touched me and inspired me in so many ways.  You are so fortunate to be named after them.  They love you so much - I just know it.

Rowan - my hopes and wishes for you are so grand that it would take me a while to put them into words.  As your mommy and with the help of your daddy we will try our best to teach you love, tolerance and respect.  We hope to raise in a way that you never doubt God's love for you or our love for you. We want only life's greatest moments for you - we know that obstacles will come and I hope you never forget we are always on your side.  We not always agree with your actions or your decisions - we love you no matter what. So many great men in your life Rowan that I hope you will have parts of them in the man you one day become.

I hope you are stubborn and strong headed like your great grandpa Krisher (Neil ROWAN) - but only when it comes to things you believe in. Like, him I hope you find your passions and your believes and never let anyone stray you from them - although I hope you keep an open mind that not everyone will value the same things you do - and that's ok - one of the great things in America is we are all entitled to our own opinions and values as long as work together for the greater good.  Rowan, like your great grandpa Krisher I hope you like Jesus more than any other - I hope you see the greater plan for your life and know that His way is always the best way - I hope your build a strong relationship with Jesus that leaves  light shining the others want to know what it is about you and leaves them searching for Jesus as well. Rowan, I hope you reach a point in your life, like grandpa Krisher where the idea of Heaven is so much greater than the pain and suffering of Earth (although I hope this is a long long long long time from now...like when your 100 :) )

I hope you find the humor in life like your great grandpa Ehrhart (Robert KEITH) - I hope you laugh at everything and make jokes to see others smile.  This was one of my favorite things about grandpa Ehrhart - he always found the funny side of any situation.  I hope that you will do anything for anyone - no matter their story and no matter their circumstance - I hope you try to see the good in people.  Rowan, maybe you will find a love for crossword puzzles, black coffee and fried egg sandwiches with mustard (mommy loves 2 of the 3 and one of them is not crossword puzzles)

I may be a little biased - but Rowan, your papaw is one of the greatest guys you will ever meet in your life - seriously!  Mommy couldn't always say that as there was a time when papaw wasn't my favorite person - but he is now - at least one of my favorites!  I hope you are a worker like he is - he may not always enjoy his job - but he always shows up and he always gives 100% - you won't see him call in.  What you will see is him give so much attention to you - I wish you could have seen his face when mommy told him she was expecting you - he is so excited.  Papaw will be one of your biggest fans, he will practice sports with you, he will try to be at grandparents day with you, he will probably buy you your first bowling ball and I can almost guarantee that he will sing "you are my sunshine" to you a time or two.....or 1,000.

But most of all - I hope you are everything your daddy is.  I hope you have his sense of humor (and I say that with a lot of reservation - lol) your daddy can always make me laugh and most people around him!  I hope you are a dedicated and hard worker - what you will find is that daddy works for the railroads and often times has to stay over night in over cities - but don't for a second ever think daddy doesn't miss you when he is gone.  He is so excited for you to get here - to have a son and to do father/son activities with you.  I can guarantee that when daddy is home you will have all of his attention.  He is looking forward to you playing sports and taking you to football games.  I hope you love life like he does - always up for an adventure and easily makes friends - I haven't found anyone yet that doesn't enjoy being around daddy. Most of all I hope you are everything he is.

My first letter to you turned into a novel :)  But I have so much to say!  Above anything you ever read, ever hear or ever feel - know you are loved more than life.  We prayed for you Rowan - we hoped for you and we have loved from before there was ever a thought of you.  ou are more special than mommy or daddy will ever be able to express.

We are half way there to meeting you!!

Love always,
Mom :)

I can't believe I am typing....

Never in a million years - did I think I would be typing a blog post telling you how we found out that we were expecting a baby!

Oh - you're not my facebook friend? You didn't hear the news? Ha, my husband and I have kicked infertility's butt and are expecting a little miracle in August!

So how did it happen you ask?? - that's not exactly a conversation I'm comfortable having on a blog post ;) - but how did we find out?? Because let's face it after months and months of let downs you kind of get tired of peeing on a stick....so this is how we came to find out or little one was on it's way.......

First let me start by saying that we saw a fertility specialist (or is it an infertility specialist???) I'm not really sure - BUT we saw him on December 10th - now being baby crazed lunatic I have become I took two test - 1 the morning of the appointment and 1 a couple days before the appointment. Both BIG FAT NEGATIVES - so no worry I was expecting this - I mean there had to be a reason we were seeing a fertility/infertility specialist.

So about a week before Christmas I started having terrible hip pains and that had me limping - which really isn't all that strange because I have a history of osteoate osteoma (for medical terminology stupid people like me - it's basically like a tissue "tumor" in my hip joint) sometimes my pelvic bone rotates forward and when it does that my hip joint grinds on this tumor when I walk - painful - yes!  Ok so all that to say - I knew I needed a muscle relaxer but new my family doctor wouldn't just write me one without having it x-rayed.  So the day after Christmas (very late at night) I finally talked myself into going to the ER and had my mom go with me.

Got through the registration and all the fun information in the room (without being asked about my last cycle - because that was the 1 reason I wouldn't go to the ER....I couldn't stand to tell them my last cycle was October but NO I wasn't pregnant).  Finally the nice gentleman (who my mom and I both knew) came in to get me for my x-ray - the follow conversation happened in the x-ray room (S=Shannon the x-ray tech  H=me obviously)

S- what are we x-raying today
H- my right hip
S- any chance you could be pregnant? *gulp*
H- ummm I want to say maybe but due to issues I am 98% positive I am not
S- do you want to take a test just in case?
H - no not really
S - ok *begins clearing off the table with a strange look on his face*
H - would it make you feel better if I took a test?
S - yes because if you happen to be it's first trimester and I can't protect it from the rays
H- ok fine

So he wheels me back to my room and in comes the nurse - to which the follow conversation happened

H - could you do me a favor?
K - sure, what you want girl? (ha I use to work in this ER so I know everyone)
H - if it's negative can you just not tell me? I can't hear it outloud
K - ok, but honey you're young you have plenty of time

Clearly she doesn't know my history.  Few minutes later there was a knock on the door - my mother and I assumed it was the x-ray tech (although I was expecting a negative test it still hurt a little.....or a lot) in came walking the doctor, to which I assumed that the nurse didn't tell her my request.  The doctor pulled up a stool and noted the next line:

Doctor: Well good news and bad news, bad news is we can't x-ray your hip, good news is honey you are pregnant. That test turned positive right away.

After that I know there was crying and more interacting and all that fun stuff - but I really don't remember too much more.

All I know is right now our baby is very healthy, very happy and growing as it should :)  Heartbeat is steady and Justin and I are over the moon excited.  I always knew that if it was to happen God was much bigger than any medical diagnosis.  Not sure if it was that one extra prayers - or perhaps my grandfather's had a talk with the Big Guy upstairs.

Whatever it was - Justin and I thank you all for the prayers you said for us - for your support and part of our journey so far.  It's not over - this baby has to know about all the people that loves them so much and has hoped for, wished for and prayed for their arrival.

With even more love than usual,

Justin, Heather and Baby McMahan

A Whole Year in ONE Word.......

ever since I was in college at some point in December I would write a "note" (way back when facebook had notes)...or an email, or blog post or something to recap the year that was coming to an end. We are one week into december and before we know it 2014 will be over....I started thinking today about my post to recap this year and I'm not sure that I can do it. There are too many emotions, too many dark places, too many valleys that I would rather not go back throug because God has brought me so far this year. 

If you follow along any of my social media sites you see my heart and you see my journey....and 2014 as been a long journey but as I think back through the year I can sum up the ENTIRE year in ONE word 

OVERWHELMING!

Let me explain a little....in January we packed up our lives and moves to a foreign (to us) place and I hated everything about Lafayette....I hated, couldn't stand it, couldn't wait to move again. In February I started a job that ended up being close to what I imagine hell being like (with the exception of a few good people) and Justin and I received out infertility diagnosis. Just the first two months alone were more overwhelming that I think I could handle again. I hated where I was and I was handed devastating news - most of our month of March we spiraled in grief and what we do and what our next step would be......the month of April we started discussing adoption and looking into what it entailed....but job continued to get worse and I was a bitter and nasty person.....my heart was so bad. I was overwhelmed but the process and the finances it was going to take for us to be parents and I was overwhelmed by how my job was affecting my attitude.....in a not so good way. 

In May we made the decision to move forward with adoption and we were so excited and we felt so overwhelmed that God would choose us for this.....we prayed and we prepared. At the end of May we were contacted about the adoption of twins that were to be born at the end of the summer and we were ecstatic.....but then June came and the adoption fell through and the pain that stabbed my heart left me breathless. I knew a change needed to come as I couldn't continue to live like this. 

End of the overwhelmingly heart breaking and terrible first 1/2 to 2014

In July I decided I would tryout the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene....and from that first Sunday Pastor Troy has preached right to my heart....I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of peace that God's hand was in all of this.....and the storms of the months before would soon pass. In August I was offered a new position at Purdue and I was finally walking I to something so much better. 

My new position at work has done so much for my confidence, I have a team of co-workers who encourage me, who believe in me and who support me. My boss actually appreciates me and believes in me and my work. I met some amazing people through the church and a group of ladies and I walked through a Bible Study a out our raw emotions. I met women who are currently walking the same journey as me and I met women who once walked the same journey as me......and God he chiseled away all my dark and bitter hard places. 

And suddenly I was so overwhelmed by God and hi grace, and his mercy and his plan that I fell in love with Lafayette. 

You see in these last moments of my heart being transformed.....I have found peace. In November I said "until a later day" to my handsome grandfather and peace of knowing he was in such a better place made the ache of his absence a little easier to manage. 

And as for December....well we have a big week this week. A week full of anxiety, stress, prayers and uncertainties.....but I know that God has not brought us this far to leave us now. I've never seen so much transformation in 1 year. It's certainly been an emotional year.....good and bad......and spiritually it's been an exciting year. 

So 2014.....thank you.....you have tested me, you have encouraged me, you and strengthened me and above all else you have overwhelmed me. I hope you all have had a good year - may you all know the love and peace of Chrit as we prepare to celebrate His birth and enter into a new year. 

With so much love and early Christmas blessings,

Justin and Heather McMahan

In ALL things give thanks......

Thanksgiving is almost here and that makes my heart so happy. It's my favorite day of the year. While I am so aware, and I try so hard, to thankful and grateful more days throughout the year, to be able to sit around a table or living room surrounded by those we love so dearly and reflect on the things that have made a lasting memory over the past year brings a certain kind of warmth. This year, 2014, is a weird kind of thankful for my heart this year. 

We moved to Lafayette in January and I hated every moment of it.  I hated our first apartment, I hate having no friends and no family near by, I hated my job. I hated a very nasty and hateful heart and it was a nasty time. Months later God provided us a new, nicer, bigger, safer apartment.  We got connected with LFCN and I have developed friendships with some amazing and beautiful ladies  and I got a new position at Purdue that is exactly where I need to be right now. 

In March Justin and I received news that by doctor's standards, test results and failed pregnancy tests month after month, that we are unable to have our own children.  In June we were contacted about an adoption for twins and then that failed. But what God brought to me through those dark dark months and the still quiet moments is a heart to love the children around me. To cuddle with and hug on my nephews and Niece a little longer. To cradle and hold the newborns of church friends. To offer friends a night out in exchange for me to love on their kids (this paragraph might sound weird but it really is nothing strange....I just love kids). 

A couple weeks ago, we buried my sweet 88 year old grandfather and hearts were (and still are) sad but God gave our family the sense of peace, my grandfather gained Heaven quietly in his sleep, no suffering, no desperate measures. God gave him the greatest reward, and how can you. It be thankful for that. 

I spent many days and many moments throwing myself a pity party, dwelling in the crap that was dealt to me that I never took a moment to see all that I had and all the work that God was doing. 

I am so thankful for this journey of infertility (weird I know) because it is teaching me my own strength. It has taught me to love myself and that I am enough, regardless of how my body or looks or how it does or doesn't function. 

I am so thankful for Lafayette and all the opportunities it has opened for me. It lead us to LFCN at just the right sermon series and co to use to provides a weekly fuel we need. It also led me a Bible Study that I am most certainly thankful for as I have met beautiful ladies to support me in my journey. Ladies to pray over of victories and pray with us throw our failures. 

I am so thankful for Purdue (never in a million years thought I would say that) it provided me a chance to stand up for myself and to realize that your environment can really affect your mood and mindset. But I'm ever grateful for Purdue for this current opportunity to serve as a supervisor to college students. To be a role model for them and especially thankful for a boss who values her workers and builds the, up instead of continually tear them down. 

I am so thankful for my whole family and my friends. For my husband who works so hard for us but when he is home makes sure to "be there" for me. He wears so many hats and at times I have not appreciated him like I should, but this year has been such a building block for our marriage - which is one thing I can't be thankful enough for. 

My friends my prayer for you is that you take the time to really reflect on all the blessings you have to be thankful for. There is so much sadness and and hurt and hate in this world, but if we truly take a moment to look and all our hearts to be open to the beauty, there is so much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for all of you - may you and your family have a grateful and joyous Thanksgiving. 

The McMahan's

Chisel away....

So for those of you that are my friend (or possibly stalker) on Facebook you've seen a couple of my posts regarding the Bible Study I've recently started with 7 other women from the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene.  We are currently making our way through Unglued:Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst   If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it and I've only completed the first 2 chapters.  It is an excellent read for all women, because let's face it our emotion are ridiculous and little and very big things can make us come unglued.

We dove into the second chapter of the study last night and in this chapter Lysa discusses Michelangelo and his sculpture "David"' and the work he did to complete this structure despite any criticism or setbacks and how day in and day out Michelangelo worked faithfully on the sculpture and slept by it at night, chiseling away at the parts that 'weren't David".  With a lot of very insightful and intelligent word Lysa tied this in to the masterpiece we are and how we are crafted individually by God's own work. Lysa talks about how God gives us hard places not to make us come unglued but to show us where God still needs to chisel away at us and our emotions.

During this video and thinking of the past week and my not so fine moment of coming unglued I started getting that feeling that I can only assume was God tugging at me and making me very aware that I needed to speak and share about the evident Grace and chisel work that has taken place in me.  My stomach was in a knot ( you know that whole I'm going to be sick feeling), my heart was racing and I could have sworn it was about 100 degrees in Shari's living room. Shari asked in the most recent week do we have any examples of how God has chiseled away at us or shown us areas where we need chiseling?  I hesitated for a moment, because honestly in the group of women, Shari is the only one who has any clue as to the journey Justin and I have walked this year and it's been refreshing to get to know people who don't totally know us, but it's hard to talk about the work of God and the grace and mercy from God, if you're not willing to discuss how God has shown or done those things to and through you.........and so I spoke!

With only the slightest (ha) of tears... "I can't believe I'm really about to share any of this, but to make a long story short, Justin and I found out at the beginning of the year that we couldn't have kids and it's been a long year and I've found myself in some very dark places and some twisted self thoughts, I didn't think I was going to be good enough for my husband anymore, or my parents or our families. This past Tuesday some close to me announced they were expecting and they've only been married a short time and I came unglued, I went off and told them I didn't care about the pregnancy and I didn't want to talk about it (I really don't care or want to talk about but there is more to that).  I left work and told Justin that I was going home to throw myself a pity party and I did, for a short time.  I decided to pick up this book and read the next chapter to prepare for today and then I was so overwhelmed but how God has shown me grace and how much he has chiseled away at the hard place in past couple of months.  Earlier this month when we had the baby dedication at church I was able to sit through and not cry and not excuse myself.  In August when Pastor Troy called students and their parents to the front I excused myself because all I could think was "what if that's never me?" But it hasn't been like that recently and I was reminded just how much work has been and is still being done on me."

End cry fest and talk and talk session, insert immediate awkward feeling expecting to be judged and stared at......nope I was wrong, I got smiles and hugs and encouragement and prayer.  I hit a moment that I really needed......I need women that I could express a few feelings to and I needed a reminder that God is so so good and in the midst of our pity parties, his grace is there and like Michelangelo with the David sculpture, God never leaves our side and He won't until we are finished, and when we are finished we will gain our reward of Heaven.  Isn't this a comforting thought?

After Bible Study I was connected with someone who said to me "thank you for being willing to share your story, I am currently walking the same journey."

All I could do is hug them and pray for them......because suddenly I saw why Justin and I were sent to Lafayette and why I had to wait this long for God to start the chiseling.

In moments when you feel like coming unglued take a deep breath and repeat "Oh God, chisel away"