Bitter!!

I know, I know, I know.....being bitter is not good for the heart or good for the should or the right way to be. But anyone reading this would be lying to themselves if they said they've never been bitter about something or towards someone. I'm gonna be honest when I say I get a little bitter with every pregnancy post on Facebook, every person I run into whose child I went to school with is expecting, blah, blah, blah. I know, this makes me sound like a terrible terrible person. I promise I'm not.....I'm just honest. What kind of woman struggling with fertility wouldn't be bitter or frustrated every time someone new announces they are expecting a sweet little bundle of joy that your body refuses to make?  Does it mean I'm not happy for this people?  Of course not, I am very happy and excited for them. After the initial announcement I love seeing all their updates, I love their excitement as their belly grows, the pick our nursery furniture and they decided on names. I would NEVER want anyone to struggle with fertility, to feel the things I feel. 

I'm working on it I promise!  I honestly mean it when I say I'm working on it. But you're hit with these new realities of mine and all of sudden EVERY woman in the world (except me obviously) is pregnant it stabs you in the heart just a little. Sounds a little extreme but that's how it feels. 

Ok I'm done ranting about that. Thank tou to everyone for your kind words, you texts, your messages, your Facebook comments in so much support, love and prayers for Justin and I. We appreciate them so much. A few of my blood levels are off, but I see the doctor on the 20th to discuss all the results and our next step. 

We love you all!
Justin + Heather

Things are getting real......

Because this is always weighing on my mind and this is a blog and your and everything on a blog.....I've decided to get real.....to get personal. Why?  Because there is growth and there is healing in sharing your journey because others have been there. Because no one is ever really alone in this journey called life. I'm about to get real and I trust there will be respect for me and for Justin. 

I have always loved babies....other peoples babies. So sweet, so cuddly and so adorable. Kids for me has never been a big deal. If I had kids I would love them so much and try to be the parent I could, but if I didn't have kids I would be happy and I would be content. It was an either way kind of feeling for me. Then I fell in love with Justin and he loves kids and he's awesome with kids and I saw things a little differently. If I ever had a son I could raise him to be just like Justin - a gentleman, a kind hearted man, a hard worker, a true lover and I knew my son would turn out ok because my son would just like his dad and that is a good thing. His daddy would teach him to play baseball and spend summer days playing catch and winter Sundays watching football. And then I thought....what if I had a little girl? I could out her in dresses and headbands and adorable bows. I could paint her nails and I would be her first best friend, but her dad, Justin, would be her first love. Every guy she met she would compare to her dad, which would be hard to beat. She would dance with him and tell him she wanted to marry him when she got older. She would be head over heels for her daddy.....and her daddy would be wrapped around her fingers. 

I want all these things with Justin, for Justin, but we are going on a year of trying and have come to the realization that there are fertility issues. This is not easy for me, please understand this, writing this is not easy, talking about it is not easy. I'm not sure it's suppose to be easy. I initially started with medications, but it made me so sick that I stopped it. Today was a new visit and ran a panel of blood tests and meet with a doctor soon (met the NP today) to discuss our next step. I discussed today the possibility of a procedure to make sure everything is "open" and moving and we discussed possibly jumping ahead to fertility meds. 

I share this because so many of you are a strong support to me, you encourage me and right now, most days I need encouragement. Justin is so great, I make light of it around him by joking, but I cry so much as well. If you are praying people I ask that you pray for Justin and I during this time of uncertainty. Praying that no matter what happens we have peace and comfort. Pray that what is meant to happen will happen. Pray that joy will come out of what seems like so dark days to me. I know some of you have been through this and I now know how hard those days must have been for you. 

The next months are going to be crazy with doctor visits and discussing options, just writing this I feel like weight has been lifted. It's not really something I should be ashamed of, it's my life right now and I know that I can't do it on my own and Justin and I can't do it on our own. We love you all so much and thank you for praying us through this journey. 

With soooo much love
The McMahan's 

Repeat...

Have you ever had something the just weighed on your heart and mind and the more you say it (for me it's to myself) you're not sure if it becomes easier or if just become a reality.....a new "norm"??  I'm getting to the point where it's becoming easier to say, not easier to think about but easier to say. Today, I think I'm more ok than I have been in weeks. My mind is on repeat, it's getting easier to answer everyone's questions and it's getting easier to deal with the pestering of my loving family members (pestering in a good way). I can make light of the conversations. It's getting easier, in some aspects, in many aspects it's still hard and it still sucks, BUT it's not the end. One way, somehow, things will be how they are suppose to be. Today feels positive, maybe it's the spring like weather, but I like it. I like the feeling of peace, I like the repeat. The more I say it (or think it) the more at peace I feel. 

Switching gears...let me update you on Lafayette. I feel like my recent posts have almost been depressing, and thoug they have been vague they have been heartfelt. Lafayette is going well, I'm learning my way and I can safely say (and knock on wood) I haven't gotten lost in a couple of weeks :). Woot woot!!  My job is great!!!!  My co-workers are wonderful and I feel like I'm challenged everyday in learning about my job. It's awesome. I've also started looking at Masters programs (I'm crazy I know). I'm enjoying working at Purdue (never thought I would say that), being introduced to new eating places and .60 fountain pops (not nearly as good as a Rickers pop but they work)

Justin is keeping busy driving those trains ;). I'm so blessed to be married to a man who works so hard to provide for his family. He's a real winner. I hate the days he is gone but enjoy every moment when he is home. Jobs where one spouse travels can be hard on a marriage but it has made me love and appreciate him so much more than I already did. 

We are looking forward to the warm weather so we can explore Lafayette more and get Millie out so she isn't so stir crazy!!  Life is good - we are loving Lafayette and the people we are meeting

Looking forward to more good times ahead

Miss all our friends and family back "home"

Love,

The McMahans

Wait.......

In my last post I was not "ok"....and I was learning that it was ok to not be "ok". I'm still not ok.....I'm annoyed.....and frustrated - but I'm trying so hard to not be discouraged. I came across a pin that said "do you trust me when my answer is wait?- god". WOAH! WOW! Hold up - does God have a Pinterest??  I hate waiting....if you know me then you know this....typically I want things when I want then - ask my husband we have started many DIY projects and left them have finished because they take too long - ha!!  But am I ok being annoyed and frustrated because I need to wait?  It's hard to wait when what you want everyone else has (or seems too anyways). It's hard to wait when it's so easy for everyone else (so it seems) but it's so complicated for you. It's hard to sick- it's hard to feel yucky - it's hard to think that this is how the "wait" shall be. The wait will be worth - but am I trusting during this time?  Honestly, I haven't been - not in the least bit. There always ends up being a blessing in the messiest of times - there is a blessing here - I just have to trust. 

My new plan for each day is to trust - to be ok with waiting - to be ok with being annoyed but to not get discouraged. I will learn to trust in the wait - because maybe I need this down time. 

Not ok!

I think improbably said it before......but I'm going to remind myself again

  IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!!!!!!!

that's kind of refreshing - especially for a day like today. I'm not, I can be ok, but for today I'm not. I'm not the only one in the boat that I'm in, I'm not the only one going through and dealing with what I've been dealt today, but it doesn't make it any harder. Are there things to help? Of course, there always is. Are those things guaranteed to help? No, they never are. 

I suppose it's a part of life, the struggles, but I don't want them. At least not this one. I could say it's not fair, but since when is a struggle "fair"?  I would be wasting my time throwing that pity party. 

For today I will be a little hurt, for today (and probably many days) I will be scared/nervous/stressed (which ultimately isn't good), but tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow will be day 1!  Tomorrow I won't be so sad, or so scars, or so nervous. Tomorrow I might still NOT be ok, but I will be closer to being ok.

Snowmagedon

I don't know if that's the correct spelling but it's also not the important part. This past week became an impromptu vacation for me. Justin and I moved everything Saturday and on Sunday we got bombarded with snow. 

Let me say that when you sit at home all day.....for a week.....you just about want to go crazy. I'm so tired of watching movies.....I say this as is it here watching another movie - but I'm over it and I'm glad to be out among the living again. I'm actually a little ready to go back to work on Monday. Don't worry you won't hear me saying that often. I did kind of enjoy being at home....Justin and I ate really yummy and healthy fully cooked meals :)

When you're home all day (especially a week when your husband is on thirds) you do a lot of thinking. I came across my blog from when I was in college. It was good, actually I kind of surprised myself reading it again. It brought back a lot of memories of things I went through, but one thing I did notice was my heart was in such a different place. I was so trusting and so confident. Almost every entry was knowing that God had a plan and reflecting on things He had been teaching me. I wonder what it would be like if I got back to that place?  I've hit some rough spots and one rock bottom hitting spot and I'm rebuilding myself still. But finding this blog was good. 

A lot is going on personally, nothing that I'm ready to discuss yet, but they are heavy on my own heart. I know that there is a plan and there is a reason, but it doesn't make it hurt or sometimes frustrate me any less. 

Lafayette is growing on me.....it really does stink here though, due to some factories. The drivers are terrible and people still grocery shop in pajama pants. 

Maybe with the new year I will find that trusting heart again, maybe all this snow was a blessing the allow me the time to not worry or stress about a thing. 

Even in the worst situations (I HATE snow) something beautiful always happens

Love to you all
The McMahans

Lafayette

Well here we are......in Lafayette. It seems weird.....I already hate living in an apartment. Hearing the people next to you......knowing they can hear you......hate that. A old lady in our building is slightly frightening and we have already learned not to park anywhere near her - ha

I told myself I would move to Lafayette with an open mind. For every reason this was the best choice for us.....but I won't lie as soon as we turned onto 9 in Alexandria to leave I called my mom and I cried....only for a couple of minutes but I cried. I started to cry talking to dad but managed to control that. Alexandria is all I've ever known. Madison County is all I've ever known. Yes I went to school near Chicago but I was home every other weekend. Yes I lived in Indy for a while but it was such a terrible situation that I was home almost as often as I stayed there. 

The difference with these places and Lafayette.......I knew people in the places. I know a couple of people here. One doesn't exactly live in Lafayette and while I know these people and call them friends.....it's weird. I don't know where anything in this town is, I don't even know how to get to my own apartment. 

It was hard to move a huge house into a small apartment........


But I said I would move here with an open mind......so I am!  As much as I hate it right now......I will grow to love Lafayette, the adventures that await us, the opportunities on every corner.  I will find a job that I enjoy. We might look to buy a house here one day, I will learn to not turn down the wrong street.......but I WONT become a boilermaker (hence why this blog is in crimson)

I will hate Lafayette for a day or two.....but it will grow on me.....so will the people......I will meet friends - the McMahans will do big things. I usually hate change - today I definitely hate it - but change is good and this I know will become a very good thing.