I cry a lot. I'm not ok. I'm not ok with crying a lot. I cry a lot because I'm not ok. If I was honest with you (those of you I see face to face on mostoccasions) you would know that I'm not ok. I'm afraid to cry in front of people...unless your my husband or my mom or my best friend Holly. I've spent more time in public bathroom stalls this year than ever before. I'm always excusing myself. I have learned the best water proof mascara brands (and I prefer e.l.f). For the first time in my life I carry Kleenex with me - because everyday I need them.
I should be bringing home two babies later this month or early September. I should be introducing my friends and family to Rowan Keith (named after 2 of the most amazing men in my life) and Annie Ruth (named after the strongest women I know) but I'm not. I should be buying a family of 4 Christmas ornament and a pink and blue "my 1st Christmas" ornaments. I should be buying baby stockings. I should be so overfilled and over joyed with thankfulness as we prepare for the holiday season (I know it's only August but it will be here soon). When the pastor calls students and their parents to the front of the church to pray over them as they start a new school year - I shouldn't have to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because all I can think is "what if that is never me".
What if I never get to pray over my child as they begin a new school year, what if I never get to post a picture of my adorable child holding their "first day of kindergarten" sign, what if the closest thing to celebrating Mother's Day is an "aunt" card from my nephews and niece (don't get me wrong those cards are my favorite and those kids are my life....but it's not the same). What if I never get to tell my parents they are going to be Nana and Papaw again...what if Justin never gets to tell his mom she is going to be Mamaw again. What if Justin and I never get to tell our siblings they are finally going to get a "blood" niece or nephew. What if Scott and Holly - the couple we asked never get to be Godparents. What if family pictures are always just Justin and I. What if the finances never fully come for an adoption...what if a birth mother never chooses us. What if every adoption fails.
When does this get easier? When can I think about the holidays and not be sad. When can I attend family events and not hurt. When will I not think so negatively about myself. When will I stop looking at Justin and I wondering "why us? - what did we do wrong?"
And if it never gets easier and it never gets better - will I be ok with it? Will I be ok if I was wrong and God's answer is "no"? Will I be ok if it's just Justin and I forever (this sounds really bad and it's not supposed to because I love my husband more than anything)
When will the crying end. When will the grieving of what I can't have and I can't do stop. When will my bathroom stall visits end?
I want to be ok. I want to be 100% happy again. Maybe I need some sadness to fully understand happiness.
