I'm a little bit selfish.....

It's true I am a little bit selfish.....but not usually!

I have been fairly open about Justin and I 's journey with infertility and while I share most of our story, I obviously don't share it all. I share this valley we are in with the hopes that it might be bring hope and inspiration to another young couple dealing with these same issues. I don't share everything because 1. I don't have to and 2. With each visit more things are revealed and it gets a little more difficult. 

With that being said I feel like in the last few weeks I have been very selfish towards other people. I have been short with text messages, distracted in conversations, avoided phone calls, ignored Facebook messages. I've been a little absent. I've always grown up being the tough one, the strong one, I've always felt like I needed to be for my family, for my friends. People always knew I was the shoulder they could turn to and that I would be strong enough to support them. When my grandfather passed away I didn't shed a tear, at first, not because I wasn't sad (honestly I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and the shock was so overpowering that I don't think I could cry), but because everyone around me was crying and someone had to provide the hugs and remind them that he was in a much better place. Months later I finally had my break down. 

I've been selfish because for right now, I'm not the strong one, and I don't want to be the strong one. I want to be selfish, for a little while. I want to grieve my hurt over the realization of what will probably never be, not in the way I always imagined. I want to be selfish and only think about Justin and I, to only think about us, our future and what our days ahead of us hold. 

I want to say sorry to my friends and family who I have been short with or who I have ignored, but for today I'm not fully sorry. I want to be the weak one, just for a little while. I want to cry for an hour if that's how I feel, I want to sit in total silence, if that's how I feel. I promised my best friend Holly I wouldn't throw myself a pity party and though that's what it sounds like I'm doing, I'm not. I'm grieving, I'm thinking, I'm praying, I'm loving my husband. I'm being a little selfish for me, for my heartache. But I'm only selfish when I'm alone, I refuse to let my hurt affect my everyday with people and I don't write this so people feel sorry when they see me. 

I write this so people know why I've been absent recently. My mind is in a different place. My heart is hurting. My husband and I learning new reasons why we love each other and finding new ways and reasons to lean on each other. 

I promise I will be me again.....fully

We love you all so much!!!

Justin and Heather

Hopeful.....

I remember when I first realized there might be fertility issues, Justin and I had our honeymoon in Gatlinburg the middle of September. Two days after we returned he left for 6 weeks for job training, during the time he was gone I should have had my cycle (hey if it's TMI don't read my blog). When I didn't have it I got really excited I was going to make a sign that said "Welcome Home Daddy" with an arrow pointing to my belly. I was so excited. Two days before he came home I took a test - it was negative, the next day I took a test - it was negative, the morning he was coming home I took a test - it was negative. Mind you before September it had still been several months that we had been trying but I was giving my body the benefit of the doubt and thought it was taking a little time to regroup from being on birth control. 

Anyways, obviously I didn't get to make my sign, but as my body continued to not cycle....and continued.....and continued, to the point I had to take my first dose of Provera to make my body have a cycle (what kind of woman wants a cycle????.....an infertile woman who wants a baby with her awesome husband). That's when I know - this was going to be a journey. Since September it's been rough honestly, I started looking at adoption websites, looking at that cost, looking at the cost of IVF, looking at what our insurance would and wouldn't cover. I was pretty defeated. 

I had my follow up appointment with my doctor, and while I'm willing to be open about our journey, I won't disclose everything. It was a fairly productive appointment. We have a few other obstacles I have to deal with now, we have some potential difficulties that will more than likely occur during my pregnancy, BUT we have a plan. 

I spent some time this weekend with the Zent family and a lot of time talking to my mom and a lot of time with Justin and for some reason that was the perfect mix of hope that I needed.  When I walked our of that doctors office Thursday I felt hopeful for the first time since September. It's now Sunday night and I still feel hopeful. I won't lie, I will still have some down days I am sure, but it feel like and I know Justin and I are going to be blessed.....so blessed......when the time is right. It might take a few more months, we might have to try a couple of other things, but we will be blessed.

We hope and pray that all of you feel blessed by all you are given, even during some trials and dark days. Eventually there is sunshine as it can't rain forever. 

Love 

Justin and Heather 

My best friend

Greetings friends and family!  We hope these warmer days are bringing you good cheer and you are loving the sunshine as much as we are. We've enjoyed a lot of evening walks just the two of us and our sweet pup Millie. They completely wear her out which is a win-win situation for us. We get exercise and and our crazy, energetic pup is worn out and sleeps all night :). 

I'm preparing for this weeks doctors appointment and I'm thinking through all my thoughts, my feelings, anxiety, worries, fears, etc. I wonder how I've done and then it dawns on me, my best friend, my best friend has gotten me through my most emotional and lowest moments. Obviously, my best friend is my husband. I brag about Justin ALL the time, but I have good reason to, he is a good man. A good hearted, hard working, all in, kind of guy. My mother in law did so many things right when she raised Justin. It's not always to be a woman and have troubles having a child. So many days I feel broken, because the one thing my body was created to do and my ovaries can't get their act together and do it. Sometimes I feel like I've failed justin that this isn't easy for me, that this has been a journey for us. But Justin, he doesn't see it that way. He's so encouraging, he's so supportive, he's never made me feel guilty or that I'm not good enough. Everyday on more than one occasion he has said "I love you and if we never have our own children, I will still love you. Nothing will change that. If we have to adopt I will love you and we will love that child as if it were our own". 

You have no idea what those words mean to me. Seriously you don't, this man makes me melt, he always have (well maybe not when we were in high school - lol) but since September 2011 he has been the joy my life was missing out on. He has made this "easy" er. I'm not sure how I would survive some of these moments without him. I know that whatever tomorrow brings, wherever this journey takes us, Justin will be by my side every step of the way. I will never be alone. 

- justin&heather

Bitter!!

I know, I know, I know.....being bitter is not good for the heart or good for the should or the right way to be. But anyone reading this would be lying to themselves if they said they've never been bitter about something or towards someone. I'm gonna be honest when I say I get a little bitter with every pregnancy post on Facebook, every person I run into whose child I went to school with is expecting, blah, blah, blah. I know, this makes me sound like a terrible terrible person. I promise I'm not.....I'm just honest. What kind of woman struggling with fertility wouldn't be bitter or frustrated every time someone new announces they are expecting a sweet little bundle of joy that your body refuses to make?  Does it mean I'm not happy for this people?  Of course not, I am very happy and excited for them. After the initial announcement I love seeing all their updates, I love their excitement as their belly grows, the pick our nursery furniture and they decided on names. I would NEVER want anyone to struggle with fertility, to feel the things I feel. 

I'm working on it I promise!  I honestly mean it when I say I'm working on it. But you're hit with these new realities of mine and all of sudden EVERY woman in the world (except me obviously) is pregnant it stabs you in the heart just a little. Sounds a little extreme but that's how it feels. 

Ok I'm done ranting about that. Thank tou to everyone for your kind words, you texts, your messages, your Facebook comments in so much support, love and prayers for Justin and I. We appreciate them so much. A few of my blood levels are off, but I see the doctor on the 20th to discuss all the results and our next step. 

We love you all!
Justin + Heather