Things are getting real......

Because this is always weighing on my mind and this is a blog and your and everything on a blog.....I've decided to get real.....to get personal. Why?  Because there is growth and there is healing in sharing your journey because others have been there. Because no one is ever really alone in this journey called life. I'm about to get real and I trust there will be respect for me and for Justin. 

I have always loved babies....other peoples babies. So sweet, so cuddly and so adorable. Kids for me has never been a big deal. If I had kids I would love them so much and try to be the parent I could, but if I didn't have kids I would be happy and I would be content. It was an either way kind of feeling for me. Then I fell in love with Justin and he loves kids and he's awesome with kids and I saw things a little differently. If I ever had a son I could raise him to be just like Justin - a gentleman, a kind hearted man, a hard worker, a true lover and I knew my son would turn out ok because my son would just like his dad and that is a good thing. His daddy would teach him to play baseball and spend summer days playing catch and winter Sundays watching football. And then I thought....what if I had a little girl? I could out her in dresses and headbands and adorable bows. I could paint her nails and I would be her first best friend, but her dad, Justin, would be her first love. Every guy she met she would compare to her dad, which would be hard to beat. She would dance with him and tell him she wanted to marry him when she got older. She would be head over heels for her daddy.....and her daddy would be wrapped around her fingers. 

I want all these things with Justin, for Justin, but we are going on a year of trying and have come to the realization that there are fertility issues. This is not easy for me, please understand this, writing this is not easy, talking about it is not easy. I'm not sure it's suppose to be easy. I initially started with medications, but it made me so sick that I stopped it. Today was a new visit and ran a panel of blood tests and meet with a doctor soon (met the NP today) to discuss our next step. I discussed today the possibility of a procedure to make sure everything is "open" and moving and we discussed possibly jumping ahead to fertility meds. 

I share this because so many of you are a strong support to me, you encourage me and right now, most days I need encouragement. Justin is so great, I make light of it around him by joking, but I cry so much as well. If you are praying people I ask that you pray for Justin and I during this time of uncertainty. Praying that no matter what happens we have peace and comfort. Pray that what is meant to happen will happen. Pray that joy will come out of what seems like so dark days to me. I know some of you have been through this and I now know how hard those days must have been for you. 

The next months are going to be crazy with doctor visits and discussing options, just writing this I feel like weight has been lifted. It's not really something I should be ashamed of, it's my life right now and I know that I can't do it on my own and Justin and I can't do it on our own. We love you all so much and thank you for praying us through this journey. 

With soooo much love
The McMahan's 

Repeat...

Have you ever had something the just weighed on your heart and mind and the more you say it (for me it's to myself) you're not sure if it becomes easier or if just become a reality.....a new "norm"??  I'm getting to the point where it's becoming easier to say, not easier to think about but easier to say. Today, I think I'm more ok than I have been in weeks. My mind is on repeat, it's getting easier to answer everyone's questions and it's getting easier to deal with the pestering of my loving family members (pestering in a good way). I can make light of the conversations. It's getting easier, in some aspects, in many aspects it's still hard and it still sucks, BUT it's not the end. One way, somehow, things will be how they are suppose to be. Today feels positive, maybe it's the spring like weather, but I like it. I like the feeling of peace, I like the repeat. The more I say it (or think it) the more at peace I feel. 

Switching gears...let me update you on Lafayette. I feel like my recent posts have almost been depressing, and thoug they have been vague they have been heartfelt. Lafayette is going well, I'm learning my way and I can safely say (and knock on wood) I haven't gotten lost in a couple of weeks :). Woot woot!!  My job is great!!!!  My co-workers are wonderful and I feel like I'm challenged everyday in learning about my job. It's awesome. I've also started looking at Masters programs (I'm crazy I know). I'm enjoying working at Purdue (never thought I would say that), being introduced to new eating places and .60 fountain pops (not nearly as good as a Rickers pop but they work)

Justin is keeping busy driving those trains ;). I'm so blessed to be married to a man who works so hard to provide for his family. He's a real winner. I hate the days he is gone but enjoy every moment when he is home. Jobs where one spouse travels can be hard on a marriage but it has made me love and appreciate him so much more than I already did. 

We are looking forward to the warm weather so we can explore Lafayette more and get Millie out so she isn't so stir crazy!!  Life is good - we are loving Lafayette and the people we are meeting

Looking forward to more good times ahead

Miss all our friends and family back "home"

Love,

The McMahans

Wait.......

In my last post I was not "ok"....and I was learning that it was ok to not be "ok". I'm still not ok.....I'm annoyed.....and frustrated - but I'm trying so hard to not be discouraged. I came across a pin that said "do you trust me when my answer is wait?- god". WOAH! WOW! Hold up - does God have a Pinterest??  I hate waiting....if you know me then you know this....typically I want things when I want then - ask my husband we have started many DIY projects and left them have finished because they take too long - ha!!  But am I ok being annoyed and frustrated because I need to wait?  It's hard to wait when what you want everyone else has (or seems too anyways). It's hard to wait when it's so easy for everyone else (so it seems) but it's so complicated for you. It's hard to sick- it's hard to feel yucky - it's hard to think that this is how the "wait" shall be. The wait will be worth - but am I trusting during this time?  Honestly, I haven't been - not in the least bit. There always ends up being a blessing in the messiest of times - there is a blessing here - I just have to trust. 

My new plan for each day is to trust - to be ok with waiting - to be ok with being annoyed but to not get discouraged. I will learn to trust in the wait - because maybe I need this down time.