When life hands you lemons

It's been a while and if you are one that actually reads and enjoys my posts, sorry.  Lots is going on. I've written a few posts only to delete them all, but here I am once again and hopefully this time I will have hit the publish button.

I've been in a weird state of mind of the last several months. I started battling debilitating migraines, and for those of you that have battled these for years, I just want to hug you because I'm not sure how you do it and I don't know how you haven't gone crazy. Medications haven't worked and we were able to narrow down a cause, but unfortunately, maybe fortunately, the cause was created by other issues I was dealing with.  So last week I underwent surgery - not a full hysterectomy - but enough that there will be no more McMahan Clan babies - and with that I have been very sad.  It was a decision that Justin and I had to make as the pain was getting to unbearable for me, but it wasn't an easy decision to make and it wasn't a decision we made lightly. But we trudged those difficult conversations and we made a decision we both felt was right and was necessary.......and I am sad.

I'm sad because my siblings mean the world to me. The make my life rich. They are my built in best friends and the thought of Rowan not experiencing that kills me, breaks my heart. I've heard people say "well you didn't want anymore anyways"....partially correct.....Justin and I both thought that maybe we would be a 1 child family but at the moment we weren't 100% for sure that we would be one and done - but now we are. And comments like that hurt. Even if we knew there was no thought of us wanting anymore children it doesn't make this decision any easier.

I've heard people say and I've read online "maybe you could just adopt".  JUST adopt...because adopting is so easy!  It has crossed our mind, it has been something we have discussed. Not in detail and nothing super serious, but we've added it to our prayer list. But did you know that we've already been down that road. We've had 2....kind of 3 (as one was for twins) failed adoptions before we were blessed with Rowan......so we are hesitant - not closed off - hesitant. We know the pain of a failed adoption.....it's not something you easily get over. I still wonder about those 3 babies!

But through all of the sadness, through my days when my mind wonders to not so pleasant places, I come back to the realization that family isn't necessarily about blood.  My best friend Dustin 'Sunshine' passed away at the end of February. It was a death I wasn't expecting, it was a smack in the face that I wasn't prepared for and it's been an event that took a piece of my heart to heaven. He was one of the greatest friends a person could ask for. A smile, laughter and personality that was contagious, it was infectious, it changed the mood of a whole room. Sunshine was family. He was my other little brother, even though he towered over me. His sister, Mini Me, is the little sister BLOOD never gave me, but LIFE did. Mama G and Daddy G, well they are my second set of parents. The family as a whole, the Grinstead Homestead, is family. They are my family. We share no blood, but they, all of them, have always been there. No matter the life circumstances. Sunshine and Heather (see why she's called Mini Me) are bonus siblings that require no blood.

I pray Rowan gets a Sunshine. And pray that Sunshine comes with a Mini Me and that those two LIFE given siblings come from a Mama G and a Daddy G. A family so full of love that they welcome Rowan with open arms, always have the door left open for him and think of him as one of their own.  Everyone needs a Sunshine. Everyone needs a Grinstead Homestead.

At our church, our second home. There is a cluster of boys. And I might be biased, but they are the most adorable boys I've ever seen. They are born within days of each other - they started life together, they are being raised in the Church together. These are the brothers Rowan has been handed. Not from blood from LIFE....from God, the best kind of brothers. I pray these boys develop rich relationships and as they get older they have each others backs.....even if life draws us in different directions.

Some of our best friends are our neighbors. Moving out to the country was one of the best decisions we made. Those friends, have the most precious little girl I've ever seen. This is a sister given to Rowan, not from blood but from LIFE....from God. To watch the two of them play is joyful. He wants to include her in everything, but is also very cautious and gentle around her. He sweet soul warms my heart.

On days when I feel the saddest, I'm reminded of just how much my life has been blessed. I am a very fortunate one that was blessed with incredible blood family. I know that at any moment someone, whether a cousin, aunt or uncle is a phone call away and would be willing to help. But more than blood family I have some of the best friends and people in my life. They are family, God given and not blood given and contrary to the popular saying, sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water.

For those of you who daily fuel my life with love, encouragement and prayer - you are treasured, especially in this valley I am walking through. I know that if Rowan stays an only child, he will be fine, he may not know the full joy blood siblings, but his life is rich. He has been and will continue to be blessed with amazing people to love him, to teach him, to encourage him, to pray for and with him. It really does take a village. Our village is the best.


Justin and I are so thankful for the people in our life. We covet your prayers as we continue to emotionally deal with difficult days.

Ethan Nicholas....

Let me preface this by saying (and I shouldn’t have to but I know how some people get). I have 3 nephews and 1 niece – I love them all the same. I don’t have a favorite BUT there is a very special place in my heart for my nephew Ethan – for many reasons – but a lot of small reasons turned into one.

I remember the day he was born (kind of), I remember the days surrounding when he was born. I was home for Christmas Break and I was doing everything in my power to get my sister to have that baby. Making her walk, jumping jacks, I probably told her to do sit-ups, anything I read about online or could think, I was making her try (I’m a horrible sister – ha).  I failed. Big time.

I was driving back to Olivet for the semester with my dad when my sister called and told me her doctor was scheduling her to come in the next day (seriously? The day AFTER I go back from being home for weeks) to have Ethan and she wanted to make sure I was ok with that (HA!).  I should have known then that he was going to have a special way about him. I WISH I would have realized then that this would be a sign that God was going to use Him – for my sake and for my life.  After returning to Olivet, a horrible ice storm and freezing temperatures came through, prompting the University to close and cancel classes.  Luckily for me, the weather in Indiana was MUCH better so I was able to get off campus and get home to see that baby boy.

(If you were sitting next to me right now you would see the tears coming. I can almost guarantee that if you are sitting next to my sister or mom when they read this, they are probably crying).

The next morning after I got back home, I went up to the hospital with my mom and laid eyes on the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. He was so tiny and new and just breathe taking. It was the day Ethan and my sister were being discharged so while my sister showered and dressed and ate – I soaked in the love and the joy that was laying in my arms.

And I prayed…….. I prayed that God would use this boy for his glory, use him in ways that would bring love and compassion to a hurting world, prayed that Ethan would know and love Christ and that he would follow God’s planned as it unfolded before him.

(ok now let the tears fall……….)

I had no idea that in 2 years of Ethan being born, God was going to take my prayers for that precious boy and use them to bring me to a place of grace, a place of light, a place of happiness. The prayer I had prayed was going to be an answer to another prayer – more of a desperate plead to God to send me a ray of hope.

In 2011, Ethan turned 2 and it was the darkest year of my life. You know how people reference – “hitting rock bottom”?  I hit a space below rock bottom.  The days were so dark I don’t even know how I survived….except I do….it was Ethan. 

I was living back with parents due to circumstances that I don’t even want to begin to think about again and everyday – he was there. He greeted me with his sweet smile – whispered the most precious “Hi Hiya” (he couldn’t say Heather). And the moments when I was slipping his tiny little arms would wrap around me and embrace me in the most loving embrace that the troubles I was facing, the dark hole that I was living in would chisel away ever so slowly and this tiny little 2 year old – who was so wise and loving beyond his years – brought back light.

Remember when I mentioned that I prayed – errr – desperately pleaded to God for a glimpse of hope? – He was there – and he was two. He was the hope that better and brighter days were to come.

In a couple days, Ethan will be 8! E-I-G-H-T!  I don’t even know how it’s possible that I am typing that number – EIGHT!!!  Eight years ago this boy made me an aunt. He gave me a title that I, every day since then, have cherished. Six years ago be saved me (might sound weird to say about someone who was 2 – but it’s true) from a nightmare.  He will forever be my saving grace – my glimpse of hope. My sweet, loving and compassionate nephew – who is still way wiser and more loving than any 8 year old I know.

Ethan Nicholas, I will never be able to thank you enough for being you – sweet, adorable and lovable you. You will never understand all you have done for me and all you have taught me. From that first day I saw you I have continued and will continue to pray “Heavenly Father, protect this boy. Guide him, love him, and use his life to bring your glory”!

Big things are in store for you my buddy! Don’t EVER change your sweet innocent ways. Don’t let the world change your sweet compassionate heart. Use your love for other people and CHANGE THE WORLD! I know you will!  You are destined for GREAT things.

HAPPY 8^TH BIRTHDAY Ethan! My love and gratitude for you is so deep – you will never fully understand and I will never be able to accurately tell you. I hope this next year of life is the best one yet!