ever since I was in college at some point in December I would write a "note" (way back when facebook had notes)...or an email, or blog post or something to recap the year that was coming to an end. We are one week into december and before we know it 2014 will be over....I started thinking today about my post to recap this year and I'm not sure that I can do it. There are too many emotions, too many dark places, too many valleys that I would rather not go back throug because God has brought me so far this year.
If you follow along any of my social media sites you see my heart and you see my journey....and 2014 as been a long journey but as I think back through the year I can sum up the ENTIRE year in ONE word
OVERWHELMING!
Let me explain a little....in January we packed up our lives and moves to a foreign (to us) place and I hated everything about Lafayette....I hated, couldn't stand it, couldn't wait to move again. In February I started a job that ended up being close to what I imagine hell being like (with the exception of a few good people) and Justin and I received out infertility diagnosis. Just the first two months alone were more overwhelming that I think I could handle again. I hated where I was and I was handed devastating news - most of our month of March we spiraled in grief and what we do and what our next step would be......the month of April we started discussing adoption and looking into what it entailed....but job continued to get worse and I was a bitter and nasty person.....my heart was so bad. I was overwhelmed but the process and the finances it was going to take for us to be parents and I was overwhelmed by how my job was affecting my attitude.....in a not so good way.
In May we made the decision to move forward with adoption and we were so excited and we felt so overwhelmed that God would choose us for this.....we prayed and we prepared. At the end of May we were contacted about the adoption of twins that were to be born at the end of the summer and we were ecstatic.....but then June came and the adoption fell through and the pain that stabbed my heart left me breathless. I knew a change needed to come as I couldn't continue to live like this.
End of the overwhelmingly heart breaking and terrible first 1/2 to 2014
In July I decided I would tryout the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene....and from that first Sunday Pastor Troy has preached right to my heart....I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of peace that God's hand was in all of this.....and the storms of the months before would soon pass. In August I was offered a new position at Purdue and I was finally walking I to something so much better.
My new position at work has done so much for my confidence, I have a team of co-workers who encourage me, who believe in me and who support me. My boss actually appreciates me and believes in me and my work. I met some amazing people through the church and a group of ladies and I walked through a Bible Study a out our raw emotions. I met women who are currently walking the same journey as me and I met women who once walked the same journey as me......and God he chiseled away all my dark and bitter hard places.
And suddenly I was so overwhelmed by God and hi grace, and his mercy and his plan that I fell in love with Lafayette.
You see in these last moments of my heart being transformed.....I have found peace. In November I said "until a later day" to my handsome grandfather and peace of knowing he was in such a better place made the ache of his absence a little easier to manage.
And as for December....well we have a big week this week. A week full of anxiety, stress, prayers and uncertainties.....but I know that God has not brought us this far to leave us now. I've never seen so much transformation in 1 year. It's certainly been an emotional year.....good and bad......and spiritually it's been an exciting year.
So 2014.....thank you.....you have tested me, you have encouraged me, you and strengthened me and above all else you have overwhelmed me. I hope you all have had a good year - may you all know the love and peace of Chrit as we prepare to celebrate His birth and enter into a new year.
With so much love and early Christmas blessings,
Justin and Heather McMahan
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
In ALL things give thanks......
Thanksgiving is almost here and that makes my heart so happy. It's my favorite day of the year. While I am so aware, and I try so hard, to thankful and grateful more days throughout the year, to be able to sit around a table or living room surrounded by those we love so dearly and reflect on the things that have made a lasting memory over the past year brings a certain kind of warmth. This year, 2014, is a weird kind of thankful for my heart this year.
We moved to Lafayette in January and I hated every moment of it. I hated our first apartment, I hate having no friends and no family near by, I hated my job. I hated a very nasty and hateful heart and it was a nasty time. Months later God provided us a new, nicer, bigger, safer apartment. We got connected with LFCN and I have developed friendships with some amazing and beautiful ladies and I got a new position at Purdue that is exactly where I need to be right now.
In March Justin and I received news that by doctor's standards, test results and failed pregnancy tests month after month, that we are unable to have our own children. In June we were contacted about an adoption for twins and then that failed. But what God brought to me through those dark dark months and the still quiet moments is a heart to love the children around me. To cuddle with and hug on my nephews and Niece a little longer. To cradle and hold the newborns of church friends. To offer friends a night out in exchange for me to love on their kids (this paragraph might sound weird but it really is nothing strange....I just love kids).
A couple weeks ago, we buried my sweet 88 year old grandfather and hearts were (and still are) sad but God gave our family the sense of peace, my grandfather gained Heaven quietly in his sleep, no suffering, no desperate measures. God gave him the greatest reward, and how can you. It be thankful for that.
I spent many days and many moments throwing myself a pity party, dwelling in the crap that was dealt to me that I never took a moment to see all that I had and all the work that God was doing.
I am so thankful for this journey of infertility (weird I know) because it is teaching me my own strength. It has taught me to love myself and that I am enough, regardless of how my body or looks or how it does or doesn't function.
I am so thankful for Lafayette and all the opportunities it has opened for me. It lead us to LFCN at just the right sermon series and co to use to provides a weekly fuel we need. It also led me a Bible Study that I am most certainly thankful for as I have met beautiful ladies to support me in my journey. Ladies to pray over of victories and pray with us throw our failures.
I am so thankful for Purdue (never in a million years thought I would say that) it provided me a chance to stand up for myself and to realize that your environment can really affect your mood and mindset. But I'm ever grateful for Purdue for this current opportunity to serve as a supervisor to college students. To be a role model for them and especially thankful for a boss who values her workers and builds the, up instead of continually tear them down.
I am so thankful for my whole family and my friends. For my husband who works so hard for us but when he is home makes sure to "be there" for me. He wears so many hats and at times I have not appreciated him like I should, but this year has been such a building block for our marriage - which is one thing I can't be thankful enough for.
My friends my prayer for you is that you take the time to really reflect on all the blessings you have to be thankful for. There is so much sadness and and hurt and hate in this world, but if we truly take a moment to look and all our hearts to be open to the beauty, there is so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful for all of you - may you and your family have a grateful and joyous Thanksgiving.
The McMahan's
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Chisel away....
So for those of you that are my friend (or possibly stalker) on Facebook you've seen a couple of my posts regarding the Bible Study I've recently started with 7 other women from the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene. We are currently making our way through Unglued:Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it and I've only completed the first 2 chapters. It is an excellent read for all women, because let's face it our emotion are ridiculous and little and very big things can make us come unglued.
We dove into the second chapter of the study last night and in this chapter Lysa discusses Michelangelo and his sculpture "David"' and the work he did to complete this structure despite any criticism or setbacks and how day in and day out Michelangelo worked faithfully on the sculpture and slept by it at night, chiseling away at the parts that 'weren't David". With a lot of very insightful and intelligent word Lysa tied this in to the masterpiece we are and how we are crafted individually by God's own work. Lysa talks about how God gives us hard places not to make us come unglued but to show us where God still needs to chisel away at us and our emotions.
During this video and thinking of the past week and my not so fine moment of coming unglued I started getting that feeling that I can only assume was God tugging at me and making me very aware that I needed to speak and share about the evident Grace and chisel work that has taken place in me. My stomach was in a knot ( you know that whole I'm going to be sick feeling), my heart was racing and I could have sworn it was about 100 degrees in Shari's living room. Shari asked in the most recent week do we have any examples of how God has chiseled away at us or shown us areas where we need chiseling? I hesitated for a moment, because honestly in the group of women, Shari is the only one who has any clue as to the journey Justin and I have walked this year and it's been refreshing to get to know people who don't totally know us, but it's hard to talk about the work of God and the grace and mercy from God, if you're not willing to discuss how God has shown or done those things to and through you.........and so I spoke!
With only the slightest (ha) of tears... "I can't believe I'm really about to share any of this, but to make a long story short, Justin and I found out at the beginning of the year that we couldn't have kids and it's been a long year and I've found myself in some very dark places and some twisted self thoughts, I didn't think I was going to be good enough for my husband anymore, or my parents or our families. This past Tuesday some close to me announced they were expecting and they've only been married a short time and I came unglued, I went off and told them I didn't care about the pregnancy and I didn't want to talk about it (I really don't care or want to talk about but there is more to that). I left work and told Justin that I was going home to throw myself a pity party and I did, for a short time. I decided to pick up this book and read the next chapter to prepare for today and then I was so overwhelmed but how God has shown me grace and how much he has chiseled away at the hard place in past couple of months. Earlier this month when we had the baby dedication at church I was able to sit through and not cry and not excuse myself. In August when Pastor Troy called students and their parents to the front I excused myself because all I could think was "what if that's never me?" But it hasn't been like that recently and I was reminded just how much work has been and is still being done on me."
End cry fest and talk and talk session, insert immediate awkward feeling expecting to be judged and stared at......nope I was wrong, I got smiles and hugs and encouragement and prayer. I hit a moment that I really needed......I need women that I could express a few feelings to and I needed a reminder that God is so so good and in the midst of our pity parties, his grace is there and like Michelangelo with the David sculpture, God never leaves our side and He won't until we are finished, and when we are finished we will gain our reward of Heaven. Isn't this a comforting thought?
After Bible Study I was connected with someone who said to me "thank you for being willing to share your story, I am currently walking the same journey."
All I could do is hug them and pray for them......because suddenly I saw why Justin and I were sent to Lafayette and why I had to wait this long for God to start the chiseling.
In moments when you feel like coming unglued take a deep breath and repeat "Oh God, chisel away"
We dove into the second chapter of the study last night and in this chapter Lysa discusses Michelangelo and his sculpture "David"' and the work he did to complete this structure despite any criticism or setbacks and how day in and day out Michelangelo worked faithfully on the sculpture and slept by it at night, chiseling away at the parts that 'weren't David". With a lot of very insightful and intelligent word Lysa tied this in to the masterpiece we are and how we are crafted individually by God's own work. Lysa talks about how God gives us hard places not to make us come unglued but to show us where God still needs to chisel away at us and our emotions.
During this video and thinking of the past week and my not so fine moment of coming unglued I started getting that feeling that I can only assume was God tugging at me and making me very aware that I needed to speak and share about the evident Grace and chisel work that has taken place in me. My stomach was in a knot ( you know that whole I'm going to be sick feeling), my heart was racing and I could have sworn it was about 100 degrees in Shari's living room. Shari asked in the most recent week do we have any examples of how God has chiseled away at us or shown us areas where we need chiseling? I hesitated for a moment, because honestly in the group of women, Shari is the only one who has any clue as to the journey Justin and I have walked this year and it's been refreshing to get to know people who don't totally know us, but it's hard to talk about the work of God and the grace and mercy from God, if you're not willing to discuss how God has shown or done those things to and through you.........and so I spoke!
With only the slightest (ha) of tears... "I can't believe I'm really about to share any of this, but to make a long story short, Justin and I found out at the beginning of the year that we couldn't have kids and it's been a long year and I've found myself in some very dark places and some twisted self thoughts, I didn't think I was going to be good enough for my husband anymore, or my parents or our families. This past Tuesday some close to me announced they were expecting and they've only been married a short time and I came unglued, I went off and told them I didn't care about the pregnancy and I didn't want to talk about it (I really don't care or want to talk about but there is more to that). I left work and told Justin that I was going home to throw myself a pity party and I did, for a short time. I decided to pick up this book and read the next chapter to prepare for today and then I was so overwhelmed but how God has shown me grace and how much he has chiseled away at the hard place in past couple of months. Earlier this month when we had the baby dedication at church I was able to sit through and not cry and not excuse myself. In August when Pastor Troy called students and their parents to the front I excused myself because all I could think was "what if that's never me?" But it hasn't been like that recently and I was reminded just how much work has been and is still being done on me."
End cry fest and talk and talk session, insert immediate awkward feeling expecting to be judged and stared at......nope I was wrong, I got smiles and hugs and encouragement and prayer. I hit a moment that I really needed......I need women that I could express a few feelings to and I needed a reminder that God is so so good and in the midst of our pity parties, his grace is there and like Michelangelo with the David sculpture, God never leaves our side and He won't until we are finished, and when we are finished we will gain our reward of Heaven. Isn't this a comforting thought?
After Bible Study I was connected with someone who said to me "thank you for being willing to share your story, I am currently walking the same journey."
All I could do is hug them and pray for them......because suddenly I saw why Justin and I were sent to Lafayette and why I had to wait this long for God to start the chiseling.
In moments when you feel like coming unglued take a deep breath and repeat "Oh God, chisel away"
Sunday, October 19, 2014
I feel like I don't post much anymore, but to be honest with you when is comes to having a baby or adopting I really don't have anything to say. There is no news, there are no updates, there are no fundraising efforts.....there isn't anything but prayer. But my prayer has changed recently in the past fees months. When Justin got our initial diagnosis as the beginning of the year, we prayed that my body would get its act together and that the meds would work and we would have beautiful hazel eyed, long eye lashed, gap toothed, big eared baby (ha these are some of our best traits). When the meds didn't work and my body didn't cooperate we prayed that God would open the doors to adoption and that the money would come. And that worked, or so we thought. When we realized that didn't work either (well at least now) we stepped back and decided we need to reevaluate things. The first thing I reevaluated was my heart.
My heart was hurt and so bitter that I found myself constantly saying "can you believe she's pregnant again?" "They just got married and are already pregnant" "they always complain they can't pay their bills how can they be having a child?" And so many other sayings....why did everyone else get a baby and not Justin and I? Justin and I had a heart to heart one night where I completely broke down to him and how I felt and the lies my own mind feeds me and how no matter how hurt or sad I was the only thing I could think about was our families. You see, Justin and I have come to terms that we may never be parents, and while we never saw our life looking that way, we are ok with it. We are content, because as I read in a blog post today contentment is a choice you make everyday. Life with just Justin and I will be so much and would provide us an opportunity to help our little loves {Ethan Landon and Raegann} in ways we couldn't imagine. But my heart hurts for them, for my parents, for my siblings, for Justin's sister and his mom.
I can't help but wonder, if I don't make my parents a Nana and Papaw again, will that be ok? I see how they are with Ethan and Raegann and those two little bring them so much joy and happiness, what if Justin and I don't give them someone who brings them happiness like that? I bring down these emotions to my mom earlier this week and they are emotions I never thought I could feel, but they are so real, but just hearing {actually reading because it was a text and I couldn't say the words without crying} that none of these defined me and that no matter what I did or what happens as long as I was doing what I loved that was what she hoped for. I think about my dad and how excited he got when we got news about the twins and I wondered if he would be ok if when I came home for weekend visits if I never brought a little one with me. And I think about Cindy and Nick and how great there with E and R and if I never made them and aunt or uncle if we would still be close and if being an aunt to their kids would be enough without giving them that in return. I go back to the first time I met my mother in law and how she told me "you know some day I want a granddaughter to go with the grandson I already have". I have carried that with me thru Justin and I's whole relationship at first feeling so excited that she thought I was good enough to one day have a child with her son and now that reality is here it hurts as I don't want to feel like I could let her down. {I know that if we don't have kids I won't be a failure to her it's just where my emotions took me}. I think my sweet sister in law and brother in law how faithfully they have prayed for us through this journey and how they knew the pain it comes from and ultimately were rewarded with a precious little man. I think about Brittany and how her only blood sibling might not get to deem her Aunt Brittany, or who knows what kind of awesome name our child would come up with {seriously her son thought of Uncle Mary and that's pretty sweet}.
But if nothing more my heart hurts for Ethan, Landon and Raegann. I picture family Christmases down the road at mom and dad's house: Cindy and Ryan and the kids show up, Scooter and his wife and their kids show up and then Justin and I...just Justin and I wonder and I think about the questions they would ask "why isn't Aunt Yaya a mommy" "why don't they have kids like Kee and Aunt whoever". My heart breaks a little more for them. I think about sweet Landon and if one day he might ask why when Uncle and Uncle Mary come over they don't bring someone for him to play with like when his daddy's brothers and their wives come.
So many thoughts have come through my head, different scenarios and how I might react to the. Then one day I was cleaning and I came across a note that my cousin Brittany had mailed me over a year ago and it mentions how I taught her to still love even after your heart has been completely broken and how she is so thankful that God brought a smile back to my face and laughter to my heart and I sat on my bed and I wept. I was so overwhelmed by how far and how dark of a place God has brought me from that I allowed myself, even if only for a moment, to forget that he will continue to pull me heart through the troubles I encounter. This is just a minor bump in the road. My sister in law reminded me the other day that God has big plans in store for me. So now, my prayer had changed, my prayer now is that God will use my life, my heart, my story in any way he sees necessary. Whether we adopt one day or not as long as I am doing where I am led, I know that all the years to come He will guide my family.
I'm becoming part of an after school program here in the Lafayette area, few hours a week where I can hang out with kids who don't have a place to after school. I'm so excited to see what is in store here.
We love you all, we look forward to the upcoming holidays and maybe seeing some of you back home. There is always room on our prayer list so if we can pray for you in any way, please let us know.
With so much love,
The McMahan's
My heart was hurt and so bitter that I found myself constantly saying "can you believe she's pregnant again?" "They just got married and are already pregnant" "they always complain they can't pay their bills how can they be having a child?" And so many other sayings....why did everyone else get a baby and not Justin and I? Justin and I had a heart to heart one night where I completely broke down to him and how I felt and the lies my own mind feeds me and how no matter how hurt or sad I was the only thing I could think about was our families. You see, Justin and I have come to terms that we may never be parents, and while we never saw our life looking that way, we are ok with it. We are content, because as I read in a blog post today contentment is a choice you make everyday. Life with just Justin and I will be so much and would provide us an opportunity to help our little loves {Ethan Landon and Raegann} in ways we couldn't imagine. But my heart hurts for them, for my parents, for my siblings, for Justin's sister and his mom.
I can't help but wonder, if I don't make my parents a Nana and Papaw again, will that be ok? I see how they are with Ethan and Raegann and those two little bring them so much joy and happiness, what if Justin and I don't give them someone who brings them happiness like that? I bring down these emotions to my mom earlier this week and they are emotions I never thought I could feel, but they are so real, but just hearing {actually reading because it was a text and I couldn't say the words without crying} that none of these defined me and that no matter what I did or what happens as long as I was doing what I loved that was what she hoped for. I think about my dad and how excited he got when we got news about the twins and I wondered if he would be ok if when I came home for weekend visits if I never brought a little one with me. And I think about Cindy and Nick and how great there with E and R and if I never made them and aunt or uncle if we would still be close and if being an aunt to their kids would be enough without giving them that in return. I go back to the first time I met my mother in law and how she told me "you know some day I want a granddaughter to go with the grandson I already have". I have carried that with me thru Justin and I's whole relationship at first feeling so excited that she thought I was good enough to one day have a child with her son and now that reality is here it hurts as I don't want to feel like I could let her down. {I know that if we don't have kids I won't be a failure to her it's just where my emotions took me}. I think my sweet sister in law and brother in law how faithfully they have prayed for us through this journey and how they knew the pain it comes from and ultimately were rewarded with a precious little man. I think about Brittany and how her only blood sibling might not get to deem her Aunt Brittany, or who knows what kind of awesome name our child would come up with {seriously her son thought of Uncle Mary and that's pretty sweet}.
But if nothing more my heart hurts for Ethan, Landon and Raegann. I picture family Christmases down the road at mom and dad's house: Cindy and Ryan and the kids show up, Scooter and his wife and their kids show up and then Justin and I...just Justin and I wonder and I think about the questions they would ask "why isn't Aunt Yaya a mommy" "why don't they have kids like Kee and Aunt whoever". My heart breaks a little more for them. I think about sweet Landon and if one day he might ask why when Uncle and Uncle Mary come over they don't bring someone for him to play with like when his daddy's brothers and their wives come.
So many thoughts have come through my head, different scenarios and how I might react to the. Then one day I was cleaning and I came across a note that my cousin Brittany had mailed me over a year ago and it mentions how I taught her to still love even after your heart has been completely broken and how she is so thankful that God brought a smile back to my face and laughter to my heart and I sat on my bed and I wept. I was so overwhelmed by how far and how dark of a place God has brought me from that I allowed myself, even if only for a moment, to forget that he will continue to pull me heart through the troubles I encounter. This is just a minor bump in the road. My sister in law reminded me the other day that God has big plans in store for me. So now, my prayer had changed, my prayer now is that God will use my life, my heart, my story in any way he sees necessary. Whether we adopt one day or not as long as I am doing where I am led, I know that all the years to come He will guide my family.
I'm becoming part of an after school program here in the Lafayette area, few hours a week where I can hang out with kids who don't have a place to after school. I'm so excited to see what is in store here.
We love you all, we look forward to the upcoming holidays and maybe seeing some of you back home. There is always room on our prayer list so if we can pray for you in any way, please let us know.
With so much love,
The McMahan's
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
The anchor holds......in spite of the storm
I am not in a storm. While my diagnosis may some days feel like a storm....I am no longer in a storm. I've been rereading my blog and it almost makes me sad how negative and almost depressing my posts were. While they were real in how I felt there could have probably been a better vision for what I was dealt - for the road Justin and I were walking.
I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks just how much your environment can influence your mood. The last several months I was in a very negative environment.....and I'm not referring to my marriage. I didn't look forward to getting up, I dreaded heading in, always on egg shells on how the day would go. I would miserable....and when you're miserable you only think one way.....negative. So instead of seeing a positive glimpse of what this chapter of my story will lead me to....I beat myself up, I tore myself down, I fed myself with so much self hate. It's hard to think positive when all around you is negative vibes and feeling inadequate.
I made a change - I've been in a new environment for almost 2 weeks now and my outlook has been so different. I'm happy....I smile and I fuel myself with positive thoughts. Why? 1. Because I deserve them 2. Those around me fuel me and themselves with positive thoughts and positive energy. I am appreciated and it makes me look at my life completely different.
This chapter will tell a story.....it's going to reach another woman.
September is PCOS awareness month....this disease is not something to be ashamed of....while it sucks totally the only way to find a "cure" or for early prevention and treatment is by awareness. If my first OBGYN would have listened to my concerns I could have started treatment years earlier. So thankful for Dr.Tisch who took my concerns to heart and aggressively found me an answer.
I will fight for awareness...not only for me....but for the 1 in every 10 women affected by this disease.
Educate yourself - keep yourself healthy. Surround yourself with only positive people....it really does make a difference.
The blog title was originally for a different post that never got written....it's not totally relevant to this post but the strength of Justin and I and God stood despite the negative storm I walked for months.
I've come to realize in the last couple of weeks just how much your environment can influence your mood. The last several months I was in a very negative environment.....and I'm not referring to my marriage. I didn't look forward to getting up, I dreaded heading in, always on egg shells on how the day would go. I would miserable....and when you're miserable you only think one way.....negative. So instead of seeing a positive glimpse of what this chapter of my story will lead me to....I beat myself up, I tore myself down, I fed myself with so much self hate. It's hard to think positive when all around you is negative vibes and feeling inadequate.
I made a change - I've been in a new environment for almost 2 weeks now and my outlook has been so different. I'm happy....I smile and I fuel myself with positive thoughts. Why? 1. Because I deserve them 2. Those around me fuel me and themselves with positive thoughts and positive energy. I am appreciated and it makes me look at my life completely different.
This chapter will tell a story.....it's going to reach another woman.
September is PCOS awareness month....this disease is not something to be ashamed of....while it sucks totally the only way to find a "cure" or for early prevention and treatment is by awareness. If my first OBGYN would have listened to my concerns I could have started treatment years earlier. So thankful for Dr.Tisch who took my concerns to heart and aggressively found me an answer.
I will fight for awareness...not only for me....but for the 1 in every 10 women affected by this disease.
Educate yourself - keep yourself healthy. Surround yourself with only positive people....it really does make a difference.
The blog title was originally for a different post that never got written....it's not totally relevant to this post but the strength of Justin and I and God stood despite the negative storm I walked for months.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Raw Emotion......
I cry a lot. I'm not ok. I'm not ok with crying a lot. I cry a lot because I'm not ok. If I was honest with you (those of you I see face to face on mostoccasions) you would know that I'm not ok. I'm afraid to cry in front of people...unless your my husband or my mom or my best friend Holly. I've spent more time in public bathroom stalls this year than ever before. I'm always excusing myself. I have learned the best water proof mascara brands (and I prefer e.l.f). For the first time in my life I carry Kleenex with me - because everyday I need them.
I should be bringing home two babies later this month or early September. I should be introducing my friends and family to Rowan Keith (named after 2 of the most amazing men in my life) and Annie Ruth (named after the strongest women I know) but I'm not. I should be buying a family of 4 Christmas ornament and a pink and blue "my 1st Christmas" ornaments. I should be buying baby stockings. I should be so overfilled and over joyed with thankfulness as we prepare for the holiday season (I know it's only August but it will be here soon). When the pastor calls students and their parents to the front of the church to pray over them as they start a new school year - I shouldn't have to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because all I can think is "what if that is never me".
What if I never get to pray over my child as they begin a new school year, what if I never get to post a picture of my adorable child holding their "first day of kindergarten" sign, what if the closest thing to celebrating Mother's Day is an "aunt" card from my nephews and niece (don't get me wrong those cards are my favorite and those kids are my life....but it's not the same). What if I never get to tell my parents they are going to be Nana and Papaw again...what if Justin never gets to tell his mom she is going to be Mamaw again. What if Justin and I never get to tell our siblings they are finally going to get a "blood" niece or nephew. What if Scott and Holly - the couple we asked never get to be Godparents. What if family pictures are always just Justin and I. What if the finances never fully come for an adoption...what if a birth mother never chooses us. What if every adoption fails.
When does this get easier? When can I think about the holidays and not be sad. When can I attend family events and not hurt. When will I not think so negatively about myself. When will I stop looking at Justin and I wondering "why us? - what did we do wrong?"
And if it never gets easier and it never gets better - will I be ok with it? Will I be ok if I was wrong and God's answer is "no"? Will I be ok if it's just Justin and I forever (this sounds really bad and it's not supposed to because I love my husband more than anything)
When will the crying end. When will the grieving of what I can't have and I can't do stop. When will my bathroom stall visits end?
I want to be ok. I want to be 100% happy again. Maybe I need some sadness to fully understand happiness.
I should be bringing home two babies later this month or early September. I should be introducing my friends and family to Rowan Keith (named after 2 of the most amazing men in my life) and Annie Ruth (named after the strongest women I know) but I'm not. I should be buying a family of 4 Christmas ornament and a pink and blue "my 1st Christmas" ornaments. I should be buying baby stockings. I should be so overfilled and over joyed with thankfulness as we prepare for the holiday season (I know it's only August but it will be here soon). When the pastor calls students and their parents to the front of the church to pray over them as they start a new school year - I shouldn't have to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom because all I can think is "what if that is never me".
What if I never get to pray over my child as they begin a new school year, what if I never get to post a picture of my adorable child holding their "first day of kindergarten" sign, what if the closest thing to celebrating Mother's Day is an "aunt" card from my nephews and niece (don't get me wrong those cards are my favorite and those kids are my life....but it's not the same). What if I never get to tell my parents they are going to be Nana and Papaw again...what if Justin never gets to tell his mom she is going to be Mamaw again. What if Justin and I never get to tell our siblings they are finally going to get a "blood" niece or nephew. What if Scott and Holly - the couple we asked never get to be Godparents. What if family pictures are always just Justin and I. What if the finances never fully come for an adoption...what if a birth mother never chooses us. What if every adoption fails.
When does this get easier? When can I think about the holidays and not be sad. When can I attend family events and not hurt. When will I not think so negatively about myself. When will I stop looking at Justin and I wondering "why us? - what did we do wrong?"
And if it never gets easier and it never gets better - will I be ok with it? Will I be ok if I was wrong and God's answer is "no"? Will I be ok if it's just Justin and I forever (this sounds really bad and it's not supposed to because I love my husband more than anything)
When will the crying end. When will the grieving of what I can't have and I can't do stop. When will my bathroom stall visits end?
I want to be ok. I want to be 100% happy again. Maybe I need some sadness to fully understand happiness.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Top 10.....
Just thinking about our adoption journey so far and I've decided to list the Top 10 things I've learned through my journey of infertility.......so far!
1. You really find out who your true friends are. People that I once thought would always be there for me, I haven't heard a word from. And although I don't expect all the attention on me a simple "Hi, I'm thinking about you and praying for you" would be awesome, because God knows (literally) that I tried to always be there for them during their struggles. However, in their absence people that I once thought I was mere acquaintances with have turned into my biggest supports and always seem to have an encouraging word to say.
2. There will always be at least one person who can your personal journey and struggle all about them. I don't think this needs any further explanation.
3. People who can have their own children do not get criticized or judged for the things they do, people who choose to not have kids can do whatever they want without people thinking twice, HOWEVER if you can't have your won kids and have declared that one day you will adopt, suddenly everyone is your financial adviser and every penny you spend someone has something say about it. So because my uterus is all sorts of whacked out and my husband and I will have be parents in a different way, we shouldn't be allowed to have any sorts of fun while we are in waiting. As if somehow all the blood work, all the prescriptions, all the tests, all the spent money, all the preparing and all the heartache does not entitle us to some destressing - people really amaze me. Somehow this makes no sense to me??!!??
3. There are people who really aren't a part of your life who think they have a say in how we choose to live our lives and the things we do. This is really really comical - in all honesty their thoughts on me and Justin's decisions have no effect and I wonder what thought came into their mind that they believe they have a right to make an opinion. (I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but not about my life)
4. I am as emotional as a pregnant woman. I have never cried so much before in my life. Everything makes me a little sad, or maybe a little happy -sometimes I don't know - but I do know that my tear ducts work for sure!
6. Humor is the best medicine. I honestly don't think I would survive if I couldn't make myself laugh through all of this. I make jokes at myself and generally about my uterus but I have survived and I am strong and I am getting through this. Laughter makes any day brighter.
7. I have never believed in myself as much as I have since I've gotten this diagnosis. Some days I feel invincible as if nothing could get me down. These are the days I long for. I believe that I am capable of everything and nothing can get me down.
8. I have so many people that love me.....not just me.....so many people that love Justin and I.....actually not even just us.....so many people that love myself and Justin and mcbaby. It's really overwhelming.
9. God is closer than I've ever imagined. In the big picture of everything happening around me, God has made himself so open to me, actually I've probably just made myself more open to Him, but it's such a neat feeling. I've had so many more happy joyous days than depressed days.
10. Everyday I feel like something big is going to happen. Even if our chosen day is a few years down the road, each new day is so exciting, because each new day is one day closer.
Words can't begin the express my gratitude to all of you who have prayed for Justin and I, especially during this last month. So many things are opening for us and bigger things are coming into play here in Lafayette. Our hearts are being transformed and it was a renewal of joy, hope and faith that I needed.
We love you all so much
justin&heather
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Not forgotten......
I'm welcoming myself back to our adoption blog....I took a bit of a hiatus from it and that was much needed.
My heart has done a lot of changing in the weeks since our adoption heartbreak. Justin and I recently started attending the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene and we love it. The people are so nice and friendly and welcoming. The services have been great. We really like it.
Today, the pastor preached on Noah, a common story that I think everyone knows, but pastor spoke on a different aspect of the story. You see Noah spent 40 days and 40 nights waiting....on the rain.....40 days can you imagine?? And hen Noah went 150 days waiting to be rescued and saved by God, waiting to a point that Noah felt abandoned. I think we've all be there...40 days being tested to see if we can survive and then maybe we spent 150 days feeling like we're abandoned by God....wondering where he is and how he could have forgotten us....but then Genesis 8:1 happens.
"But God remembered Noah"
God remembers Noah - he didn't forget about him....even in the darkest days when God felt the furthest away and Noah felt so alone...God remembered him.
Now I want to challenge you to think about a trial you are going through...for me it's infertility and unfortunately it lasts long past the 40 days of being tested and the 150 days of abandonment BUT...I spent 40 days being tested when this all first started, every blood test, every prescription, every other test that I had, receiving the diagnosis....I was certainly tested. And then - we received the call and we were chosen...for twins actually....we spent money to get necessary things completed, we purchased baby things, we were creating a double nursery....and then our hearts were broken. And I am now in what I feel like is my 150 days of abandonment - I'm in these days because I'm realizing I need some work. But, I look back on Genesis 8:1 and now I see...
"But God remembered Heather"
God hasn't forgotten me....and I really needed to hear this message today.
So will Justin and I have made some personal decisions regarding our lives and our futures please know that we are still so excited to adopt when the right child is chosen for us....no doors have been closed and we are still in talk with adoption agencies. We just see now how painful and how quick adoptions can fall through so a lot of things will be a little more private for our sake.
Pray with us and pray for us as we prayerfully venture through our time of "abandonment" (we know we aren't really abandoned by God but this is where our journey is leading us...like Noah" and continue to pray as we continue to prepare for a child.
We love you all
Justin and Heather
My heart has done a lot of changing in the weeks since our adoption heartbreak. Justin and I recently started attending the Lafayette Church of the Nazarene and we love it. The people are so nice and friendly and welcoming. The services have been great. We really like it.
Today, the pastor preached on Noah, a common story that I think everyone knows, but pastor spoke on a different aspect of the story. You see Noah spent 40 days and 40 nights waiting....on the rain.....40 days can you imagine?? And hen Noah went 150 days waiting to be rescued and saved by God, waiting to a point that Noah felt abandoned. I think we've all be there...40 days being tested to see if we can survive and then maybe we spent 150 days feeling like we're abandoned by God....wondering where he is and how he could have forgotten us....but then Genesis 8:1 happens.
"But God remembered Noah"
God remembers Noah - he didn't forget about him....even in the darkest days when God felt the furthest away and Noah felt so alone...God remembered him.
Now I want to challenge you to think about a trial you are going through...for me it's infertility and unfortunately it lasts long past the 40 days of being tested and the 150 days of abandonment BUT...I spent 40 days being tested when this all first started, every blood test, every prescription, every other test that I had, receiving the diagnosis....I was certainly tested. And then - we received the call and we were chosen...for twins actually....we spent money to get necessary things completed, we purchased baby things, we were creating a double nursery....and then our hearts were broken. And I am now in what I feel like is my 150 days of abandonment - I'm in these days because I'm realizing I need some work. But, I look back on Genesis 8:1 and now I see...
"But God remembered Heather"
God hasn't forgotten me....and I really needed to hear this message today.
So will Justin and I have made some personal decisions regarding our lives and our futures please know that we are still so excited to adopt when the right child is chosen for us....no doors have been closed and we are still in talk with adoption agencies. We just see now how painful and how quick adoptions can fall through so a lot of things will be a little more private for our sake.
Pray with us and pray for us as we prayerfully venture through our time of "abandonment" (we know we aren't really abandoned by God but this is where our journey is leading us...like Noah" and continue to pray as we continue to prepare for a child.
We love you all
Justin and Heather
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
My last post....
Sometimes I wish there was a way for people to feel the things people close to them feel, the hurt, the pain, the crushed feeling. The joy, the happiness, the gratefulness.....but there isn't and sometimes no matter what the emotion a person is feeling they don't show, the deal with it in different ways.
I wish I could share with you the details of what we went through with the planned adoption I mention in my last post....but I can't. I was asked to keep things confidential for the privacy and respect of everyone involved. I wish people understood that. Unfortunately, all the work, all the hopes and all the plans for the adoption cam crumbling, right before our eyes, and we never saw it coming.
I wish you could feel the hurt, the pain and crushing feeling Justin and I feel right now.....but you can't and really I only want you to feel it so you understand, but I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. We are devastated.
The money that so many of you have donated and generously gave we appreciate so much. Justin and I have written a check to send that money to the Tippecanoe County CASA program. A program that will enrich lives of children in our new "home".
This is the last you will hear from this blog.
Thank you for your support and encouragement and love. For those of you who understand, thank you, for those of you who don't, I'm sorry. I wish things were different.
Justin and heather
I wish I could share with you the details of what we went through with the planned adoption I mention in my last post....but I can't. I was asked to keep things confidential for the privacy and respect of everyone involved. I wish people understood that. Unfortunately, all the work, all the hopes and all the plans for the adoption cam crumbling, right before our eyes, and we never saw it coming.
I wish you could feel the hurt, the pain and crushing feeling Justin and I feel right now.....but you can't and really I only want you to feel it so you understand, but I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. We are devastated.
The money that so many of you have donated and generously gave we appreciate so much. Justin and I have written a check to send that money to the Tippecanoe County CASA program. A program that will enrich lives of children in our new "home".
This is the last you will hear from this blog.
Thank you for your support and encouragement and love. For those of you who understand, thank you, for those of you who don't, I'm sorry. I wish things were different.
Justin and heather
Sunday, June 15, 2014
A Short and sweet (kind of sour) update
I feel like I'm always apologizing for it being so long in between posts at time, but my heart snd my feelings have been in such a negative place lately that I needed to calm just a little.
I'm going to very vaguely tell you a story....Justin and I were contacted to adopt a baby out of state....we were chosen.....picked and Indiana attorney - we had that paperwork complete......we picked an attorney in that state (for interstate adoptions you have to have one in the birth state to help you get cleared to bring the baby home) - that paperwork was being processed......we had our home study application submitted and our references picked.....we were about to set a date for the study. We were getting rid of things and gathering things for a nursery........our time was here.
The people have stopped communicating with us.....they ignore our texts, they ignore our phone calls, they ignore our Facebook messages......they have shut us out after choosing us. I know this happens in adoption and I thought I was prepare if it should happen. But I'm not....I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm hurt.....as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like I've lost my child. I will never say anything bad about these people because 1. I don't know them 2. I can't imagine how tough this decision is/was for them.....but I am sad.
So Justin and I are taking a break from the whole adoption thing. We need this break....we got so wrapped up in this situation and honestly, the last thing I want to think about right now is having a child.....I've lost my excitement for it ( for now.....for the time being......it might return).
Justin and I started trying right after we got married and then shifted right into adoption.....we need our time. It wasn't an easy decision.....but it's something we need. I was making myself so sick from the stress of adoption......we need to get settled more. I don't know why I'm justifying my reasons to my readers, but I am.
For those of you that donated to the #mcbaby fund....that money is sitting in its own account.....should for some reason we not return to the adoption idea we will generously donate the money to another adopting family.
Pray for Justin and I as we get over the hurt, pray that no matter any outcome that we see Gods will in and the His way will always prevail.
We love you all and appreciate all your support. Justin and Heather
I'm going to very vaguely tell you a story....Justin and I were contacted to adopt a baby out of state....we were chosen.....picked and Indiana attorney - we had that paperwork complete......we picked an attorney in that state (for interstate adoptions you have to have one in the birth state to help you get cleared to bring the baby home) - that paperwork was being processed......we had our home study application submitted and our references picked.....we were about to set a date for the study. We were getting rid of things and gathering things for a nursery........our time was here.
The people have stopped communicating with us.....they ignore our texts, they ignore our phone calls, they ignore our Facebook messages......they have shut us out after choosing us. I know this happens in adoption and I thought I was prepare if it should happen. But I'm not....I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm hurt.....as ridiculous as it might sound I feel like I've lost my child. I will never say anything bad about these people because 1. I don't know them 2. I can't imagine how tough this decision is/was for them.....but I am sad.
So Justin and I are taking a break from the whole adoption thing. We need this break....we got so wrapped up in this situation and honestly, the last thing I want to think about right now is having a child.....I've lost my excitement for it ( for now.....for the time being......it might return).
Justin and I started trying right after we got married and then shifted right into adoption.....we need our time. It wasn't an easy decision.....but it's something we need. I was making myself so sick from the stress of adoption......we need to get settled more. I don't know why I'm justifying my reasons to my readers, but I am.
For those of you that donated to the #mcbaby fund....that money is sitting in its own account.....should for some reason we not return to the adoption idea we will generously donate the money to another adopting family.
Pray for Justin and I as we get over the hurt, pray that no matter any outcome that we see Gods will in and the His way will always prevail.
We love you all and appreciate all your support. Justin and Heather
Thursday, May 29, 2014
AHHHH!!!!!
ok - you wanna know why I'm joyful and overwhelmed and ready to cry for good reasons?????
so there is this place in Atlanta, Georgia - an adoption consulting agency - what they do is work with adopting parents and walk through the whole adoption process with them - give them resources for grants and loans (if need be) - help them with their adoption book (the scrapbook...but I'm drawing a blank on what it's really called) and "advertise" (I really don't know a better word for it) the adoptive parents to the ENTIRE united states.....one agency will get Justin and I to the whole US - not thousands of adoption agencies.....not waiting for agency to call us.....1 agency to THOUSANDS of agencies and birth mothers
THIS IS INSANELY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and they want to work with Justin and I (well I'm sure they want to work with everyone - but that's beside the point)....anyways all we need up front is our home study completed and our payment to them ($2500 because we are open to all races) anyways.............this is real.............this payment is something we could do.....very very soon (well with special prayers and some help)
so friends and family................PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please please please pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the most exciting part............on average from the time their clients have "advertised" to agencies and birth moms - to the moment they have their baby in their arms has been 4.5 months and most are occurring in 1-2 months.......THIS IS EVEN MORE EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!
spread the news..........share the joy.............say a prayer...............get excited!!!!!
we love you sooo sooo sooo much!!
(told you my emotions are all over and would change soon)
justin & heather
so there is this place in Atlanta, Georgia - an adoption consulting agency - what they do is work with adopting parents and walk through the whole adoption process with them - give them resources for grants and loans (if need be) - help them with their adoption book (the scrapbook...but I'm drawing a blank on what it's really called) and "advertise" (I really don't know a better word for it) the adoptive parents to the ENTIRE united states.....one agency will get Justin and I to the whole US - not thousands of adoption agencies.....not waiting for agency to call us.....1 agency to THOUSANDS of agencies and birth mothers
THIS IS INSANELY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and they want to work with Justin and I (well I'm sure they want to work with everyone - but that's beside the point)....anyways all we need up front is our home study completed and our payment to them ($2500 because we are open to all races) anyways.............this is real.............this payment is something we could do.....very very soon (well with special prayers and some help)
so friends and family................PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please please please pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the most exciting part............on average from the time their clients have "advertised" to agencies and birth moms - to the moment they have their baby in their arms has been 4.5 months and most are occurring in 1-2 months.......THIS IS EVEN MORE EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!
spread the news..........share the joy.............say a prayer...............get excited!!!!!
we love you sooo sooo sooo much!!
(told you my emotions are all over and would change soon)
justin & heather
No rest for the weary.....
I feel like this is the silliest title....but on a rough Thursday morning it sounded good.
I've finally hit the point of the adoption where I'm kind of worn out....I know, I know, we've only just started, but it's tiring. Every move you make you have to think about the future, every swipe of the debit card wondering if you should spend the extra money. My mind seriously has spun in circles so fast that I've worn myself out.....plus my husband is currently in Chicago for work so that never helps me sleep well.
But on a brighter side I have another phone "interview" type thing with another adoption place on Friday.....trying to get all our options before we decide on anything......this is a HUGE deal and I want to make sure we make the right decisions. It's been so comforting to have so many people loving us and supporting us.....actually it's almost overwhelming - but in a very very good way :)
I'm meeting lots of new people through this journey and my days and emotions are ALL over the place, but I am not alone - that is for darn sure. But back to my title....I am tired - very tired. I'm always afraid that this is not going to happen - that we won't be able to raise the funds to adopt -that we won't be matched with a birth mom - that a birth mom won't choose us.....oh the stresses are endless.
But 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds me But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I am weak....very weak and tired - but my God is so much bigger than any doubt or fear I will ever have.
This is going to happen - one way or another - God has a child for us and we will be the BEST darn parents we can be......I just wish that was tomorrow
Please say a prayer for my grandfather - he is facing some health issues right now and it's hard being a couple hours away.
Sorry the update wasn't much - but it's something.....I promise I will get back on the blogging track.
Love you all,
Justin and Heather
I've finally hit the point of the adoption where I'm kind of worn out....I know, I know, we've only just started, but it's tiring. Every move you make you have to think about the future, every swipe of the debit card wondering if you should spend the extra money. My mind seriously has spun in circles so fast that I've worn myself out.....plus my husband is currently in Chicago for work so that never helps me sleep well.
But on a brighter side I have another phone "interview" type thing with another adoption place on Friday.....trying to get all our options before we decide on anything......this is a HUGE deal and I want to make sure we make the right decisions. It's been so comforting to have so many people loving us and supporting us.....actually it's almost overwhelming - but in a very very good way :)
I'm meeting lots of new people through this journey and my days and emotions are ALL over the place, but I am not alone - that is for darn sure. But back to my title....I am tired - very tired. I'm always afraid that this is not going to happen - that we won't be able to raise the funds to adopt -that we won't be matched with a birth mom - that a birth mom won't choose us.....oh the stresses are endless.
But 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds me But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I am weak....very weak and tired - but my God is so much bigger than any doubt or fear I will ever have.
This is going to happen - one way or another - God has a child for us and we will be the BEST darn parents we can be......I just wish that was tomorrow
Please say a prayer for my grandfather - he is facing some health issues right now and it's hard being a couple hours away.
Sorry the update wasn't much - but it's something.....I promise I will get back on the blogging track.
Love you all,
Justin and Heather
Friday, May 23, 2014
I'm Sorry....
So for those of you who haven't seen...I got a new sewing machine and I'm super pumped. (Except tonight I forgot how stressful it is to thread the machine so I gave up....for tonight ha). Anyways, I decided after work today I was going to head to the craft store and get some sewing supplies. Now, I'm a Hobby Lobby girl so I usually never go anywhere else, but my co-worker told me to check out a few things at Joann Fabrics so I did.....maybe I shouldn't have.....or maybe I should have.
So I browsed around seeing not much of interest (except big spools of thread for .99). This cute little curly haired girl...somewhere between 1 and 2 years of age kept waving and smiling just as sweet as could be. And then I spotted them....."that family"....you know the family the typical traditional very religious family (I don't know their actual denomination) but the mom had the long skirt and hair pulled back and 6 kids following her around. Typically in my mind when is see a parent with 6 kids I imply they are greedy baby hoarders (ok that is really terrible of me and I honestly don't think bad about them but hey....humor gets me through the day and I don't say it out loud just in my head). Ok back to my story....I hear the mom saying telling her children they need to behave or they won't go to the church carnival...blah blah blah it has no real importance to this story.
Stay with me....I'm getting to the point. I get inline and strike a very pleasant conversation with the cashier. She had a hoop in her nose, bleached blonde hair with purple tips and purple drawn in eyebrows....she was unique but she was sweet, she was genuine and she was friendly. We talked and joked....and then she eyes my #mcbaby bracelet. And she asked about it.....I can't help but smile when people ask. So I told her all about our struggle and our journey to adoption and how we got #mcbaby and all of it......and then I heard it.....from behind me.....
OH - I'M SORRY!!
I turn around and to my surprise the little Christian lady with her 6 children was behind me....I smiled and politely said "excuse me?" She stated "I over heard your story and I'm sorry". I proceeded to ask "and what exactly are you sorry for?"
She the has the nerve to point and her now grumpy and irritated 6 children and say "I'm sorry the good Lord didn't find fit to bless you abundantly like he did our family"
Uhhhh excuse me???? Did some stranger really just say that I have not been abundantly blessed by the good Lord because if ant have my own kids?? In order to keep my composure and not say things against my Christian raising, I thanked the sweet Cheshire whose jaw was now on the ground....smiled and the insanely rude lady and left the store.
I didn't cry although I wanted to - but I was (and might still be a little bit) in shock that someone, especially someone who lives such a lifestyle would have the nerve to say something like that. The good Lord has blessed me abundantly.....in ways I don't even know yet. But I know I am blessed, always have been and always will be......this adoption is just the beginning
So lady with 6 children....I am sorry.....I'm sorry that you think the only way a woman is blessed is by how many children The Lord allows your body to birth.
So I browsed around seeing not much of interest (except big spools of thread for .99). This cute little curly haired girl...somewhere between 1 and 2 years of age kept waving and smiling just as sweet as could be. And then I spotted them....."that family"....you know the family the typical traditional very religious family (I don't know their actual denomination) but the mom had the long skirt and hair pulled back and 6 kids following her around. Typically in my mind when is see a parent with 6 kids I imply they are greedy baby hoarders (ok that is really terrible of me and I honestly don't think bad about them but hey....humor gets me through the day and I don't say it out loud just in my head). Ok back to my story....I hear the mom saying telling her children they need to behave or they won't go to the church carnival...blah blah blah it has no real importance to this story.
Stay with me....I'm getting to the point. I get inline and strike a very pleasant conversation with the cashier. She had a hoop in her nose, bleached blonde hair with purple tips and purple drawn in eyebrows....she was unique but she was sweet, she was genuine and she was friendly. We talked and joked....and then she eyes my #mcbaby bracelet. And she asked about it.....I can't help but smile when people ask. So I told her all about our struggle and our journey to adoption and how we got #mcbaby and all of it......and then I heard it.....from behind me.....
OH - I'M SORRY!!
I turn around and to my surprise the little Christian lady with her 6 children was behind me....I smiled and politely said "excuse me?" She stated "I over heard your story and I'm sorry". I proceeded to ask "and what exactly are you sorry for?"
She the has the nerve to point and her now grumpy and irritated 6 children and say "I'm sorry the good Lord didn't find fit to bless you abundantly like he did our family"
Uhhhh excuse me???? Did some stranger really just say that I have not been abundantly blessed by the good Lord because if ant have my own kids?? In order to keep my composure and not say things against my Christian raising, I thanked the sweet Cheshire whose jaw was now on the ground....smiled and the insanely rude lady and left the store.
I didn't cry although I wanted to - but I was (and might still be a little bit) in shock that someone, especially someone who lives such a lifestyle would have the nerve to say something like that. The good Lord has blessed me abundantly.....in ways I don't even know yet. But I know I am blessed, always have been and always will be......this adoption is just the beginning
So lady with 6 children....I am sorry.....I'm sorry that you think the only way a woman is blessed is by how many children The Lord allows your body to birth.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Broken? Punished?
I haven't updated in a couple weeks and I apologize. I haven't been able to find the words to write an update. Things with the adoption are progressing well. Justin and I have our first foster parent licensing class on June 10th. We are very excited for this.
I have peace about the adoption, we have excitement for the adoption. We know we are blessed, but I have struggled so much with my own personal worth and self image over this whole ordeal. As a woman, God created me to do some very powerful and wonderful things, but my body can't do those things. While I know that God created women to birth children, I also know that for some reason, some reason I may ever know the answer to, some answer that I think is so stupid and frustrating, God created me to NOT be able to birth children. No clue why and most days I really wish I did. But it's hard for me to look in the mirror most days and not feel disappointed, not feel broken, not feel abused. It's hard for me to look in the mirror and to not think of myself as less of a woman.
I remember in college telling some co-workers that I didn't plan on having children (I mentioned this in my first post about our infertility) and some crazy woman that I worked with yelled at me and scolded me about this decision, telling me it was a sin and that the Bible states that I, as a woman, was created for the purposes of being a wife and a mother. (If those were my sole purposes I want to know why I'm so far in student loan debt). Anyways I was mortified, and then fast forward several years and I can't have children (wonder how that woman would feel today). I have struggled with wondering if I am being punished for some reason, is my infertility a punishment for my years of turning my back? for my moments of rebellion? Why am I being punished? I've time and time again that infertility is not a punishment, and deep in my heart I know it's not a punishment, but for those of you who haven't walked in the same shoes I'm in, try to stand in my shoes. Try to be a wife and tell your husband you will never have his children, that the kids you raise will not be of your own blood and genes. Try to look at yourself in the mirror and not think "I'm broken".
I make some many jokes and quick comments regarding the infertility, because honestly if I didn't I would cry - all day - every day.
You see, I am at peace about the adoption. But I'm not totally at peace with the infertility. One day I will be able to look in the mirror and not think so negatively about myself, one day I will fully see I am not being punished.
Because you see - just as God has chosen a special child for me - God has chosen Justin and I for this special child.
I just need to see past the brokenness.
We love you all - we appreciate your support, your encouragement and all your love....#mcbaby will be here faster than we can imagine. We can't wait.
Justin+Heather
I have peace about the adoption, we have excitement for the adoption. We know we are blessed, but I have struggled so much with my own personal worth and self image over this whole ordeal. As a woman, God created me to do some very powerful and wonderful things, but my body can't do those things. While I know that God created women to birth children, I also know that for some reason, some reason I may ever know the answer to, some answer that I think is so stupid and frustrating, God created me to NOT be able to birth children. No clue why and most days I really wish I did. But it's hard for me to look in the mirror most days and not feel disappointed, not feel broken, not feel abused. It's hard for me to look in the mirror and to not think of myself as less of a woman.
I remember in college telling some co-workers that I didn't plan on having children (I mentioned this in my first post about our infertility) and some crazy woman that I worked with yelled at me and scolded me about this decision, telling me it was a sin and that the Bible states that I, as a woman, was created for the purposes of being a wife and a mother. (If those were my sole purposes I want to know why I'm so far in student loan debt). Anyways I was mortified, and then fast forward several years and I can't have children (wonder how that woman would feel today). I have struggled with wondering if I am being punished for some reason, is my infertility a punishment for my years of turning my back? for my moments of rebellion? Why am I being punished? I've time and time again that infertility is not a punishment, and deep in my heart I know it's not a punishment, but for those of you who haven't walked in the same shoes I'm in, try to stand in my shoes. Try to be a wife and tell your husband you will never have his children, that the kids you raise will not be of your own blood and genes. Try to look at yourself in the mirror and not think "I'm broken".
I make some many jokes and quick comments regarding the infertility, because honestly if I didn't I would cry - all day - every day.
You see, I am at peace about the adoption. But I'm not totally at peace with the infertility. One day I will be able to look in the mirror and not think so negatively about myself, one day I will fully see I am not being punished.
Because you see - just as God has chosen a special child for me - God has chosen Justin and I for this special child.
I just need to see past the brokenness.
We love you all - we appreciate your support, your encouragement and all your love....#mcbaby will be here faster than we can imagine. We can't wait.
Justin+Heather
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day
My sweet chosen child,
It's the eve of Mother's Day and all Incan think about is you. Physically I'm not a mom yet....but in my heart I am a mom...I am your mom, and you....you are my child. My hoped for, prayed for, wished for and chosen child. You are loved more than my words will ever be able to tell you. You are so special.
Very few things these days bring me as much joy as knowing that we have already been selected for each other. I can't wait to be your mom or to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to feel your little arms around my neck as you embrace in the tightest hug your little arms can manage, I can't wait to feel your sweet kisses on my cheek or to hear your innocent prayers each night at bed. I can't wait to hold you.
I can't wait to see your relationship bloom with your Nana, my mom, who I promise to try and be so much like. You are going to love your Nana and all the special moments you will share with her and the way she will teach you how to bake. Your Mamaw, your daddy's mom, she will fill you with so much advice. You will have a special love shared with you two. You also have two awesome aunts, who have already given you 3 AWESOME cousins. You will love your aunts so much because we all know aunts are a little cooler than mommy (although your mommy is pretty awesome). You will have so much fun loving on your Aunt Cindy and your Aunt Brittany and I can only imagine the relationship you will have with each of them.
You see my sweet child, so many mommies have instilled in me the skills and knowledge I need to raise you in the best way possible. As your mommy all I hope is that one day you see that I tried my hardest to love you unconditionally and to prepare you for your life ahead.
My sweet chosen one, I can't wait to celebrate my first Mother's Day with you, to receive your homemade gifts with prints of your little hands and feet. They will be the most beautiful artwork I've ever seen. I know this already. Though I've never seen you or felt you, being your mommy is the greatest gift I will ever receive. And your birth mommy, she is the strongest lady I have ever known. She made a big decision and chose me for you. She is a great mommy.
You my sweet child are the greatest blessing I will ever receive, I look forward to the moment when we first meet, when I first become a Mom. Until that day know that you are prayed for and loved by more people than you will ever be able to count.
I love you my chosen child,
Mommy
It's the eve of Mother's Day and all Incan think about is you. Physically I'm not a mom yet....but in my heart I am a mom...I am your mom, and you....you are my child. My hoped for, prayed for, wished for and chosen child. You are loved more than my words will ever be able to tell you. You are so special.
Very few things these days bring me as much joy as knowing that we have already been selected for each other. I can't wait to be your mom or to hear you call me "mommy". I can't wait to feel your little arms around my neck as you embrace in the tightest hug your little arms can manage, I can't wait to feel your sweet kisses on my cheek or to hear your innocent prayers each night at bed. I can't wait to hold you.
I can't wait to see your relationship bloom with your Nana, my mom, who I promise to try and be so much like. You are going to love your Nana and all the special moments you will share with her and the way she will teach you how to bake. Your Mamaw, your daddy's mom, she will fill you with so much advice. You will have a special love shared with you two. You also have two awesome aunts, who have already given you 3 AWESOME cousins. You will love your aunts so much because we all know aunts are a little cooler than mommy (although your mommy is pretty awesome). You will have so much fun loving on your Aunt Cindy and your Aunt Brittany and I can only imagine the relationship you will have with each of them.
You see my sweet child, so many mommies have instilled in me the skills and knowledge I need to raise you in the best way possible. As your mommy all I hope is that one day you see that I tried my hardest to love you unconditionally and to prepare you for your life ahead.
My sweet chosen one, I can't wait to celebrate my first Mother's Day with you, to receive your homemade gifts with prints of your little hands and feet. They will be the most beautiful artwork I've ever seen. I know this already. Though I've never seen you or felt you, being your mommy is the greatest gift I will ever receive. And your birth mommy, she is the strongest lady I have ever known. She made a big decision and chose me for you. She is a great mommy.
You my sweet child are the greatest blessing I will ever receive, I look forward to the moment when we first meet, when I first become a Mom. Until that day know that you are prayed for and loved by more people than you will ever be able to count.
I love you my chosen child,
Mommy
Monday, May 5, 2014
What a weekend
Mondays are always rough.....but then even more rough when you've had a bad weekend. It wasn't bad because of events....it was bad because of my attitude and my heart. It wasn't pleasant....I had a really rough weekend and a very doubt filled weekend.
I question whether adoption is right.....I question whether I'm the right person for a birth mother to choose....I question whether this is my decision or God's decision. I question so much.
I doubt that we will be placed with a child, I doubt that I will be able to do this (especially when Justin is gone), I doubt that we financially will be able to even adopt a child.
I want to cry because I knew days like these would come. Today is better, tomorrow will be even better. Days like this past weekend are bound to happen.
Justin & Heather
I question whether adoption is right.....I question whether I'm the right person for a birth mother to choose....I question whether this is my decision or God's decision. I question so much.
I doubt that we will be placed with a child, I doubt that I will be able to do this (especially when Justin is gone), I doubt that we financially will be able to even adopt a child.
I want to cry because I knew days like these would come. Today is better, tomorrow will be even better. Days like this past weekend are bound to happen.
Justin & Heather
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Overjoyed heart
It seems like with every new day, my heart grows. Grows for this child we are praying for, grows for the hope of becoming a mom one day, grows for the strong and courageous woman who will trust Justin and I to love, care for and raise her child......our child. My heart grows with excitement and anticipation.
This journey is so exciting.....more exciting that I thought it was going to be.
Justin and I are so blessed to have the friends and family we have supporting us, encouraging us, loving us and most importantly praying for us. I find myself many times during the day praying for this situation, and for every person that will become involved with this journey.
I think we are at like 98% set to "Say yes" to an agency and start the application and home study process. This is scary, overwhelming and very exciting.
Not much news to report one, but my heart is in such a happy and good place. I want to encourage all of you to find your hearts happy place, no matter what is going on in your life, there is always at least 1 thing to be so thankful for.
All of you reading this.....are my thing to be thankful for.
Continue to pray for this journey, for this adventure. Please let Justin and I know how we can pray for you. That's part of being a team. Looking forward to having more updates soon.
Love you all,
Justin and Heather
This journey is so exciting.....more exciting that I thought it was going to be.
Justin and I are so blessed to have the friends and family we have supporting us, encouraging us, loving us and most importantly praying for us. I find myself many times during the day praying for this situation, and for every person that will become involved with this journey.
I think we are at like 98% set to "Say yes" to an agency and start the application and home study process. This is scary, overwhelming and very exciting.
Not much news to report one, but my heart is in such a happy and good place. I want to encourage all of you to find your hearts happy place, no matter what is going on in your life, there is always at least 1 thing to be so thankful for.
All of you reading this.....are my thing to be thankful for.
Continue to pray for this journey, for this adventure. Please let Justin and I know how we can pray for you. That's part of being a team. Looking forward to having more updates soon.
Love you all,
Justin and Heather
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Another step closer....
First let me apologize for any possible typos or what not (I know all my entries are filled with them) but we don't have internet set up in the new apartment yet so this update is coming from my phone.
Justin and I are almost at our decision for an adoption agency to move forward with (I know you can do more than 1 but we want to start with 1) I had a very productive and encouraging phone session with the executive director of a fairly new agency.....even though the are new they seemed very promising. (I'm not going to release the name until we have fully decided and made a few more steps)
Our next step, well besides officially deciding is to move forward with the home study and the first round of paperwork. Continue to pray that we will have peace as we take each day, as we take each step and as we sign each piece of paper. Pray that God will continue to guide our hearts and guide the heart of any prospective birth mother or family.
As we are working on our home study I will also start our adoption profile. This is a quick reference guide for birth mothers to learn about Justin and I, our families and our hobbies. I've chosen to do a scrapbook for ours - I'm really excited about this (except I have to make 3 of them) I look forward to writing a thank you note to birth moms who consider us, look forward to telling Justin and I'm story and sharing our family with prospects.
Once again things are getting really exciting. Continue to pray for this journey...We have felt and heard all of them so far. #mcbaby is loved so much already. Don't forget bracelets are for sale. Let me know if you want one.....or some ;) I don't mind mailing them
Love you all
The McMahan's
Justin and I are almost at our decision for an adoption agency to move forward with (I know you can do more than 1 but we want to start with 1) I had a very productive and encouraging phone session with the executive director of a fairly new agency.....even though the are new they seemed very promising. (I'm not going to release the name until we have fully decided and made a few more steps)
Our next step, well besides officially deciding is to move forward with the home study and the first round of paperwork. Continue to pray that we will have peace as we take each day, as we take each step and as we sign each piece of paper. Pray that God will continue to guide our hearts and guide the heart of any prospective birth mother or family.
As we are working on our home study I will also start our adoption profile. This is a quick reference guide for birth mothers to learn about Justin and I, our families and our hobbies. I've chosen to do a scrapbook for ours - I'm really excited about this (except I have to make 3 of them) I look forward to writing a thank you note to birth moms who consider us, look forward to telling Justin and I'm story and sharing our family with prospects.
Once again things are getting really exciting. Continue to pray for this journey...We have felt and heard all of them so far. #mcbaby is loved so much already. Don't forget bracelets are for sale. Let me know if you want one.....or some ;) I don't mind mailing them
Love you all
The McMahan's
Thursday, April 17, 2014
An update list....
A random post to update you on so pome things.....so here we go
1. WE ARE MOVING!!!!!!!! Unfortunatley it's not back to Madison County :( but we are moving. We hate (and I don't use that word much) but we HATE where we are. The neighbors are rude, trashy and disrespectful. The surrounding neighborhood is nowhere I would want my kids playing. And the managers of this place are crap - lazy crap who do nothing......so we are moving.....and are not being penalized for breaking our lease because my husband is AWESOME and laid down the law :)
2. This new place is perfect to bring a baby to :) (don't worry we aren't getting one soon). It's perfect size, great quiet and safe location. I feel like it's our home....until we buy a house. I feel good about bring a case manager there to do a home study. I kind of love it and we haven't moved in he
3. Our adoption bracelets have arrived!!!!!!! I love them and I'm so excited to have them. They are $2 and available to purchase so let me know if you want one. ;)
Those were by biggest updates, now let me tell you a story about those bracelets...I'm currently home sick with bronchitis (which sucks something terrible) but I just HAD to get the bracelets and couldn't wait another day. So I ventured out to UPS. The very nice woman working and I discussed the weather (so typical I know) and I mentioned how it's suppose to be nice on Sunday for Easter and that will be great for the kids. She asked me if my husband and I had kids (until recently I hated being asked that question). I told her no - not yet and then I proceeded to tell her about the package I was picking up. Her eyes got big and she said "I've adopted too". This triggered a conversation and comes to find our she has adopted horses - not babies - but she adopted them from situations where they would not be loved or cared for properly - kind of like the situation Justin and I's baby might come from. She lives in an Amish town near by and rides her horses EVERYWHERE even through town. She told me when it gets warmer to come back in and get with her and she will have us our to ride as she has 14 horses that she's adopted (don't worry we will NOT adopt 14 kids - lol) and then she said "and when you're adoption is complete you will have to bring your baby out and we will have an adoption party"
You see our bracelets are already creating stories and memories for our little one who has been CHOSEN for us. I'm so pumped
Continue to keep us in your prayers - we have some meetings and phone sessions with adoption agencies coming up. Once we select one we will move forward even more with this.
We love you all so much!!!!
(Don't forgot to buy a bracelet)
Justin and Heather
1. WE ARE MOVING!!!!!!!! Unfortunatley it's not back to Madison County :( but we are moving. We hate (and I don't use that word much) but we HATE where we are. The neighbors are rude, trashy and disrespectful. The surrounding neighborhood is nowhere I would want my kids playing. And the managers of this place are crap - lazy crap who do nothing......so we are moving.....and are not being penalized for breaking our lease because my husband is AWESOME and laid down the law :)
2. This new place is perfect to bring a baby to :) (don't worry we aren't getting one soon). It's perfect size, great quiet and safe location. I feel like it's our home....until we buy a house. I feel good about bring a case manager there to do a home study. I kind of love it and we haven't moved in he
3. Our adoption bracelets have arrived!!!!!!! I love them and I'm so excited to have them. They are $2 and available to purchase so let me know if you want one. ;)
Those were by biggest updates, now let me tell you a story about those bracelets...I'm currently home sick with bronchitis (which sucks something terrible) but I just HAD to get the bracelets and couldn't wait another day. So I ventured out to UPS. The very nice woman working and I discussed the weather (so typical I know) and I mentioned how it's suppose to be nice on Sunday for Easter and that will be great for the kids. She asked me if my husband and I had kids (until recently I hated being asked that question). I told her no - not yet and then I proceeded to tell her about the package I was picking up. Her eyes got big and she said "I've adopted too". This triggered a conversation and comes to find our she has adopted horses - not babies - but she adopted them from situations where they would not be loved or cared for properly - kind of like the situation Justin and I's baby might come from. She lives in an Amish town near by and rides her horses EVERYWHERE even through town. She told me when it gets warmer to come back in and get with her and she will have us our to ride as she has 14 horses that she's adopted (don't worry we will NOT adopt 14 kids - lol) and then she said "and when you're adoption is complete you will have to bring your baby out and we will have an adoption party"
You see our bracelets are already creating stories and memories for our little one who has been CHOSEN for us. I'm so pumped
Continue to keep us in your prayers - we have some meetings and phone sessions with adoption agencies coming up. Once we select one we will move forward even more with this.
We love you all so much!!!!
(Don't forgot to buy a bracelet)
Justin and Heather
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Home Sweet.....
Alexandria, a town 46 miles northeast of Indianapolis, population 5,145. It's a town that is hated by many and under appreciated by most. It's a little town in Madison County and it is home.
In that town there is a park at that park every year is a 4-H fair it's one week out of the summer where the county is united, the food is unhealthy and the friends are many. At that park is where I celebrated my marriage with my best friend. It's where we danced and laughed and ate donuts galore. Around that park is a paved path, it's a path I've ran on many times, it's the same track I walked with my mother during my awful teenage years as she cried and told me her fears for me. It's a park where my high school friends and I would walk or swing, it's the place where we wen to spend time together. Next to that park is a cemetery and my best friend is buried there. At the tender age of 11, that park showed me how fragile life was and to appreciate the special ones in your life.
In this town there are ball diamonds, both at the high school and out behind the middle school. On those diamonds for many many summers, I challenged myself as a ball player. I hit home runs, I laid down bunts, I caught pop flys and I made some of the best friends and memories I could imagine. In this town is a bowling alley. At this bowling alley I practiced many days out of the week and found myself and my team at the high school bowling finals 3 of my 4 years of high school. At this towns high school I met people who would impact my life.....if only for a season.
Most importantly in this town on Harrison Street, sits a church, a building....a building that I love so much. But more than that building, I love the people in the building. This church has been "home" since I was in 2nd great. Those walls have heard the deepest prayers of my soul, they have seen my tears - both happy and sad. The carpet of that church has felt my kneeling knees and that wooden altar up front has caught my sobs as I cried and as I prayed. That church created the most amazing friendships with the most amazing people to ever cross my path. The church introduced me to the Zents, the one family who I will ever be thankful to that church for, but it has led me to so many amazing people. This is the church I was baptized in, the church that when Justin and I bring our child home will be dedicated in.
The people in Alexandria have touched my heart, I know that it's not a booming town like it once was. But this town has made me who I am. If it wasn't for Alexandria, I wouldn't know my husband, I wouldn't be married to my best friend. If it wasn't for Alexandria I wouldn't have the support system that I have, I wouldn't have felt the prayers that have walked my life's journey with me, I wouldn't have felt the embrace of a hug from someone I love so dearly.
If it wasn't for Alexandria, I wouldn't be the person I am, that small little town molded me. So while many people hate it and can't wait to leave, I look forward to going back and I hate leaving. I love Alexandria and I know that no matter where this life takes me, that town will always be home, my heart will always belong there.
In that town there is a park at that park every year is a 4-H fair it's one week out of the summer where the county is united, the food is unhealthy and the friends are many. At that park is where I celebrated my marriage with my best friend. It's where we danced and laughed and ate donuts galore. Around that park is a paved path, it's a path I've ran on many times, it's the same track I walked with my mother during my awful teenage years as she cried and told me her fears for me. It's a park where my high school friends and I would walk or swing, it's the place where we wen to spend time together. Next to that park is a cemetery and my best friend is buried there. At the tender age of 11, that park showed me how fragile life was and to appreciate the special ones in your life.
In this town there are ball diamonds, both at the high school and out behind the middle school. On those diamonds for many many summers, I challenged myself as a ball player. I hit home runs, I laid down bunts, I caught pop flys and I made some of the best friends and memories I could imagine. In this town is a bowling alley. At this bowling alley I practiced many days out of the week and found myself and my team at the high school bowling finals 3 of my 4 years of high school. At this towns high school I met people who would impact my life.....if only for a season.
Most importantly in this town on Harrison Street, sits a church, a building....a building that I love so much. But more than that building, I love the people in the building. This church has been "home" since I was in 2nd great. Those walls have heard the deepest prayers of my soul, they have seen my tears - both happy and sad. The carpet of that church has felt my kneeling knees and that wooden altar up front has caught my sobs as I cried and as I prayed. That church created the most amazing friendships with the most amazing people to ever cross my path. The church introduced me to the Zents, the one family who I will ever be thankful to that church for, but it has led me to so many amazing people. This is the church I was baptized in, the church that when Justin and I bring our child home will be dedicated in.
The people in Alexandria have touched my heart, I know that it's not a booming town like it once was. But this town has made me who I am. If it wasn't for Alexandria, I wouldn't know my husband, I wouldn't be married to my best friend. If it wasn't for Alexandria I wouldn't have the support system that I have, I wouldn't have felt the prayers that have walked my life's journey with me, I wouldn't have felt the embrace of a hug from someone I love so dearly.
If it wasn't for Alexandria, I wouldn't be the person I am, that small little town molded me. So while many people hate it and can't wait to leave, I look forward to going back and I hate leaving. I love Alexandria and I know that no matter where this life takes me, that town will always be home, my heart will always belong there.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
It's almost like a dream.........
Now that we've told our families that we are adopting we've started to share it more and more and every time I say "Justin and I are adopting" I get this cheesy grin.....I feel like we are telling people "guess what we are pregnant". I seriously am so excited I feel like I'm in a dream.....a little fairy tale dream.
We haven't even met with the agency yet and I find myself thinking "would this pass the home inspection? Would a case manager see this as a red flag? Is this child friendly?"
This could be a long process but each day is exciting.....not everyday will be I am aware but I take these days as they come. We ordered silicone bracelets to sell as our FIRST adoption fundraiser. They should be here next week and I'm excited....lol I know I'm excited about everything, but shouldn't all of this be exciting? We've dubbed this journey #mcbaby....cute and catchy and this way our progress can easily be instagrammed....gotta love social media :). As soon as the bracelets arrive they will be for sale. We have a lot and are always open to buying more!
This is a quick random update I just don't want anyone left hanging.
We love you all
Justin and Heather
We haven't even met with the agency yet and I find myself thinking "would this pass the home inspection? Would a case manager see this as a red flag? Is this child friendly?"
This could be a long process but each day is exciting.....not everyday will be I am aware but I take these days as they come. We ordered silicone bracelets to sell as our FIRST adoption fundraiser. They should be here next week and I'm excited....lol I know I'm excited about everything, but shouldn't all of this be exciting? We've dubbed this journey #mcbaby....cute and catchy and this way our progress can easily be instagrammed....gotta love social media :). As soon as the bracelets arrive they will be for sale. We have a lot and are always open to buying more!
This is a quick random update I just don't want anyone left hanging.
We love you all
Justin and Heather
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Blind Side....
Let me start this by saying just how much I've loved having Justin home so much since Thursday....his schedule has just worked out so well. We've been able to spend a lot of time discussing our future, especially our future with expanding our family. We've shared our thoughts oh treatment....although we know they will not help we still discuss them. It's been heart warming to see this side of him.
Ok, so I am an avid Sandra Bullock fan, I think she is amazing. I don't think there is a movie of hers I don't enjoy....but my favorite? The Blind Side (it's playing right now so it kind of triggered this post) but I love this story. How the family opens their hearts and welcomes in Big Mike, a man who needed a little love. A man whose world had been turned upside down due to a series of events beyond his control. I'm sure he felt helpless and that he was scared, it there was a family who fell in love with him and accepted him, regardless of where he came from.
Bring yourself back to reality and not this excellent movie and come back to Justin and I's story. I'm excited to share that we are exploring the option and opportunities of adoption. It was a little scary at first as I felt I was being robbed the chance of being a mom and I'm sure I will still feel that at times, but the great thing about this is Justin and I felt the same thing. We feel like this is good for us. WE believe whole heartedly that made us individually and he made us as a couple to love and to parent.....in any way. Maybe ther are reasons that we can't fathom right now as to why we can't have our own kids and maybe part of that reason is there is a child (or one day children) our there who may have been born into so yucky situations if no one stepped. WE believe, we are those someone's.
This is early we know, but should this be the right opportunity we know it could be a long one. We will attend an information session with a very reputable and Christian adoption agency at the end of the month. WE are so excited and in our hearts we feel God is leading us in the right direction.
As our loved family and friends we ask....will you join us on this journey and pray FOR us and WITH US. Pray that if this is Gods will that He will continue to open doors for us, pray that the right expectant mother with love us (as much as we love each other), pray that financially things will fall together, (should this be the right route). Pray that if we continue on this journey that WE will lean on each other day, never lose sight or hope or determination. Join as we take the first step to a family. Join us in prayer and join us in celebration. We are so excited to share this experience with you.
With so much love,
The McMahan's
Ok, so I am an avid Sandra Bullock fan, I think she is amazing. I don't think there is a movie of hers I don't enjoy....but my favorite? The Blind Side (it's playing right now so it kind of triggered this post) but I love this story. How the family opens their hearts and welcomes in Big Mike, a man who needed a little love. A man whose world had been turned upside down due to a series of events beyond his control. I'm sure he felt helpless and that he was scared, it there was a family who fell in love with him and accepted him, regardless of where he came from.
Bring yourself back to reality and not this excellent movie and come back to Justin and I's story. I'm excited to share that we are exploring the option and opportunities of adoption. It was a little scary at first as I felt I was being robbed the chance of being a mom and I'm sure I will still feel that at times, but the great thing about this is Justin and I felt the same thing. We feel like this is good for us. WE believe whole heartedly that made us individually and he made us as a couple to love and to parent.....in any way. Maybe ther are reasons that we can't fathom right now as to why we can't have our own kids and maybe part of that reason is there is a child (or one day children) our there who may have been born into so yucky situations if no one stepped. WE believe, we are those someone's.
This is early we know, but should this be the right opportunity we know it could be a long one. We will attend an information session with a very reputable and Christian adoption agency at the end of the month. WE are so excited and in our hearts we feel God is leading us in the right direction.
As our loved family and friends we ask....will you join us on this journey and pray FOR us and WITH US. Pray that if this is Gods will that He will continue to open doors for us, pray that the right expectant mother with love us (as much as we love each other), pray that financially things will fall together, (should this be the right route). Pray that if we continue on this journey that WE will lean on each other day, never lose sight or hope or determination. Join as we take the first step to a family. Join us in prayer and join us in celebration. We are so excited to share this experience with you.
With so much love,
The McMahan's
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Dear Justin,
I'm posting this a day early because if work allows us to have time together tomorrow, I don't want it spent on social media.....I want it spent with my husband.
My letter to my husband - on our first wedding anniversary
Dear Justin,
It's hard to believe a year has already passed us by. At times it feels like a few days, other times it feels like many years. I know a lot of people are thinking "it's only a year", but it's been a big year. We've made job changes (2 for me and 1 for you) we packed up our lives and moved to a place where we essentially new no one. We've loved 3 foster dogs and 3 dogs of our own, and we sadly lost one to cancer. We traded in our near 2,000 sq foot home for an 800 sq foot apartment. We survived 6 weeks hundreds of miles apart. You have seen so many sides of me and yet you continue to love me everyday. This past year we've had many heartfelt conversations, a lot of them about my past as you've told me, you really just want to know more about me and you realize you will be learning until you die. We've had so many adventures in our first year. We are building a life that we a very proud of, that we have worked hard for. You, my handsome husband, are quite the super star. You put in countless hours a week at your job, traveling all sorts of places. You run on little sleep and lunchmeat sandwiches yet what time our work schedules allow us to be together, you are there, to just physically, but mentally. You are my rock. In any situation. You have celebrated all achievements I have accomplished and always tell me how proud you are of me. Justin, I am so proud of you, and I'm sure I don't say it nearly enough. I never get tired of telling people about you (although they may be tired of hearing about you). I could brag about you all, the man you are is almost overwhelming (and no that wasn't some dirty joke for you crazies out there). To walk I to the situation you walked Into (my life) took courage, patience, determination, more patience, and even more patience. I'm not an easy person to understand - but you know this and yet you still love me. You make me laugh at all the right times, and usually at the most inappropriate times too, your humor is........out there ;). You love from all areas of your heart and you always give 110%. You seriously are the dream I never imagined, or expected that I deserved.
Not only have you loved me, but you have loved my family. I'm crying as I type this because I've said it a million times, there really are no words to describe you, or our relationship, or all the ways I love you or all the reasons why I'm so thankful and so grateful for you. I can only spend the rest of days showing you. I've always heard that the first year is the hardest, we've recently started a new journey on our journey (weird) but I have no doubts we will survive and we will survive together.
You are by far the greatest joy in my life. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me, the good me, the bad me and the ugly me.......thank you for loving all of me. I can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead of us. I promise that you will never face a battle, an obstacle, a fight or a mountain alone. You will never celebrate a victory by yourself. I will always be in your corner, always your #1 fan.
Here's to the next year, may each day we find new reasons to love each other and new blessings to be thankful for.
I love you - today and everyday
Your bride :)
My letter to my husband - on our first wedding anniversary
Dear Justin,
It's hard to believe a year has already passed us by. At times it feels like a few days, other times it feels like many years. I know a lot of people are thinking "it's only a year", but it's been a big year. We've made job changes (2 for me and 1 for you) we packed up our lives and moved to a place where we essentially new no one. We've loved 3 foster dogs and 3 dogs of our own, and we sadly lost one to cancer. We traded in our near 2,000 sq foot home for an 800 sq foot apartment. We survived 6 weeks hundreds of miles apart. You have seen so many sides of me and yet you continue to love me everyday. This past year we've had many heartfelt conversations, a lot of them about my past as you've told me, you really just want to know more about me and you realize you will be learning until you die. We've had so many adventures in our first year. We are building a life that we a very proud of, that we have worked hard for. You, my handsome husband, are quite the super star. You put in countless hours a week at your job, traveling all sorts of places. You run on little sleep and lunchmeat sandwiches yet what time our work schedules allow us to be together, you are there, to just physically, but mentally. You are my rock. In any situation. You have celebrated all achievements I have accomplished and always tell me how proud you are of me. Justin, I am so proud of you, and I'm sure I don't say it nearly enough. I never get tired of telling people about you (although they may be tired of hearing about you). I could brag about you all, the man you are is almost overwhelming (and no that wasn't some dirty joke for you crazies out there). To walk I to the situation you walked Into (my life) took courage, patience, determination, more patience, and even more patience. I'm not an easy person to understand - but you know this and yet you still love me. You make me laugh at all the right times, and usually at the most inappropriate times too, your humor is........out there ;). You love from all areas of your heart and you always give 110%. You seriously are the dream I never imagined, or expected that I deserved.
Not only have you loved me, but you have loved my family. I'm crying as I type this because I've said it a million times, there really are no words to describe you, or our relationship, or all the ways I love you or all the reasons why I'm so thankful and so grateful for you. I can only spend the rest of days showing you. I've always heard that the first year is the hardest, we've recently started a new journey on our journey (weird) but I have no doubts we will survive and we will survive together.
You are by far the greatest joy in my life. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me, the good me, the bad me and the ugly me.......thank you for loving all of me. I can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead of us. I promise that you will never face a battle, an obstacle, a fight or a mountain alone. You will never celebrate a victory by yourself. I will always be in your corner, always your #1 fan.
Here's to the next year, may each day we find new reasons to love each other and new blessings to be thankful for.
I love you - today and everyday
Your bride :)
Saturday, March 29, 2014
I'm a little bit selfish.....
It's true I am a little bit selfish.....but not usually!
I have been fairly open about Justin and I 's journey with infertility and while I share most of our story, I obviously don't share it all. I share this valley we are in with the hopes that it might be bring hope and inspiration to another young couple dealing with these same issues. I don't share everything because 1. I don't have to and 2. With each visit more things are revealed and it gets a little more difficult.
With that being said I feel like in the last few weeks I have been very selfish towards other people. I have been short with text messages, distracted in conversations, avoided phone calls, ignored Facebook messages. I've been a little absent. I've always grown up being the tough one, the strong one, I've always felt like I needed to be for my family, for my friends. People always knew I was the shoulder they could turn to and that I would be strong enough to support them. When my grandfather passed away I didn't shed a tear, at first, not because I wasn't sad (honestly I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and the shock was so overpowering that I don't think I could cry), but because everyone around me was crying and someone had to provide the hugs and remind them that he was in a much better place. Months later I finally had my break down.
I've been selfish because for right now, I'm not the strong one, and I don't want to be the strong one. I want to be selfish, for a little while. I want to grieve my hurt over the realization of what will probably never be, not in the way I always imagined. I want to be selfish and only think about Justin and I, to only think about us, our future and what our days ahead of us hold.
I want to say sorry to my friends and family who I have been short with or who I have ignored, but for today I'm not fully sorry. I want to be the weak one, just for a little while. I want to cry for an hour if that's how I feel, I want to sit in total silence, if that's how I feel. I promised my best friend Holly I wouldn't throw myself a pity party and though that's what it sounds like I'm doing, I'm not. I'm grieving, I'm thinking, I'm praying, I'm loving my husband. I'm being a little selfish for me, for my heartache. But I'm only selfish when I'm alone, I refuse to let my hurt affect my everyday with people and I don't write this so people feel sorry when they see me.
I write this so people know why I've been absent recently. My mind is in a different place. My heart is hurting. My husband and I learning new reasons why we love each other and finding new ways and reasons to lean on each other.
I promise I will be me again.....fully
We love you all so much!!!
Justin and Heather
I have been fairly open about Justin and I 's journey with infertility and while I share most of our story, I obviously don't share it all. I share this valley we are in with the hopes that it might be bring hope and inspiration to another young couple dealing with these same issues. I don't share everything because 1. I don't have to and 2. With each visit more things are revealed and it gets a little more difficult.
With that being said I feel like in the last few weeks I have been very selfish towards other people. I have been short with text messages, distracted in conversations, avoided phone calls, ignored Facebook messages. I've been a little absent. I've always grown up being the tough one, the strong one, I've always felt like I needed to be for my family, for my friends. People always knew I was the shoulder they could turn to and that I would be strong enough to support them. When my grandfather passed away I didn't shed a tear, at first, not because I wasn't sad (honestly I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and the shock was so overpowering that I don't think I could cry), but because everyone around me was crying and someone had to provide the hugs and remind them that he was in a much better place. Months later I finally had my break down.
I've been selfish because for right now, I'm not the strong one, and I don't want to be the strong one. I want to be selfish, for a little while. I want to grieve my hurt over the realization of what will probably never be, not in the way I always imagined. I want to be selfish and only think about Justin and I, to only think about us, our future and what our days ahead of us hold.
I want to say sorry to my friends and family who I have been short with or who I have ignored, but for today I'm not fully sorry. I want to be the weak one, just for a little while. I want to cry for an hour if that's how I feel, I want to sit in total silence, if that's how I feel. I promised my best friend Holly I wouldn't throw myself a pity party and though that's what it sounds like I'm doing, I'm not. I'm grieving, I'm thinking, I'm praying, I'm loving my husband. I'm being a little selfish for me, for my heartache. But I'm only selfish when I'm alone, I refuse to let my hurt affect my everyday with people and I don't write this so people feel sorry when they see me.
I write this so people know why I've been absent recently. My mind is in a different place. My heart is hurting. My husband and I learning new reasons why we love each other and finding new ways and reasons to lean on each other.
I promise I will be me again.....fully
We love you all so much!!!
Justin and Heather
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Hopeful.....
I remember when I first realized there might be fertility issues, Justin and I had our honeymoon in Gatlinburg the middle of September. Two days after we returned he left for 6 weeks for job training, during the time he was gone I should have had my cycle (hey if it's TMI don't read my blog). When I didn't have it I got really excited I was going to make a sign that said "Welcome Home Daddy" with an arrow pointing to my belly. I was so excited. Two days before he came home I took a test - it was negative, the next day I took a test - it was negative, the morning he was coming home I took a test - it was negative. Mind you before September it had still been several months that we had been trying but I was giving my body the benefit of the doubt and thought it was taking a little time to regroup from being on birth control.
Anyways, obviously I didn't get to make my sign, but as my body continued to not cycle....and continued.....and continued, to the point I had to take my first dose of Provera to make my body have a cycle (what kind of woman wants a cycle????.....an infertile woman who wants a baby with her awesome husband). That's when I know - this was going to be a journey. Since September it's been rough honestly, I started looking at adoption websites, looking at that cost, looking at the cost of IVF, looking at what our insurance would and wouldn't cover. I was pretty defeated.
I had my follow up appointment with my doctor, and while I'm willing to be open about our journey, I won't disclose everything. It was a fairly productive appointment. We have a few other obstacles I have to deal with now, we have some potential difficulties that will more than likely occur during my pregnancy, BUT we have a plan.
I spent some time this weekend with the Zent family and a lot of time talking to my mom and a lot of time with Justin and for some reason that was the perfect mix of hope that I needed. When I walked our of that doctors office Thursday I felt hopeful for the first time since September. It's now Sunday night and I still feel hopeful. I won't lie, I will still have some down days I am sure, but it feel like and I know Justin and I are going to be blessed.....so blessed......when the time is right. It might take a few more months, we might have to try a couple of other things, but we will be blessed.
We hope and pray that all of you feel blessed by all you are given, even during some trials and dark days. Eventually there is sunshine as it can't rain forever.
Love
Justin and Heather
Anyways, obviously I didn't get to make my sign, but as my body continued to not cycle....and continued.....and continued, to the point I had to take my first dose of Provera to make my body have a cycle (what kind of woman wants a cycle????.....an infertile woman who wants a baby with her awesome husband). That's when I know - this was going to be a journey. Since September it's been rough honestly, I started looking at adoption websites, looking at that cost, looking at the cost of IVF, looking at what our insurance would and wouldn't cover. I was pretty defeated.
I had my follow up appointment with my doctor, and while I'm willing to be open about our journey, I won't disclose everything. It was a fairly productive appointment. We have a few other obstacles I have to deal with now, we have some potential difficulties that will more than likely occur during my pregnancy, BUT we have a plan.
I spent some time this weekend with the Zent family and a lot of time talking to my mom and a lot of time with Justin and for some reason that was the perfect mix of hope that I needed. When I walked our of that doctors office Thursday I felt hopeful for the first time since September. It's now Sunday night and I still feel hopeful. I won't lie, I will still have some down days I am sure, but it feel like and I know Justin and I are going to be blessed.....so blessed......when the time is right. It might take a few more months, we might have to try a couple of other things, but we will be blessed.
We hope and pray that all of you feel blessed by all you are given, even during some trials and dark days. Eventually there is sunshine as it can't rain forever.
Love
Justin and Heather
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