What does this mean......for us

Shortly after Rowan was born I wrote a blog entry describing all the ways the pregnancy, the birth, the feeding of Rowan was nothing how I planned.....not at all I imagined. I noted in that entry that my new plan was to spend my time memorizing Rowan, knowing his ends and outs and understanding who he was as my son. I would like to think I did a pretty good job of that. I knew the things he liked, the way music spoke to his soul, the way a few thumb rubs over his eyebrows would put him to sleep.  He preferred sippy cups with straws over regular sippy cups. He was adventurous - I couldn't leave him alone. He was the kid that I would find standing on the middle of the kitchen table, he was jumping off the back of the couch and ending up in places that I'm still not sure how he got there. He ran carefree for hours when the weather was nice and stared out the windows in the winter wishing for warmer weather.  We heard time over time "you have what we call a bouncing baby boy".  His energy kept me on my toes.......

Then one day it was like I woke up and my son was no longer the kid I once learned about. Looking back now I can see times when maybe the red flags were there but they seemed so insignificant that I overlooked them. I remember at Rowan's 1 year check up asking the pediatrician "do the terrible twos start at their second birthday or the year leading up to their second birthday?"  Those times were what I imagined having a "normal" toddler was like......but things were suddenly different.  He no longer climbed on things and seemed to tense up when simply climbing to sit in his chair. Now standing on the couch to change his pants cause anxiety and panic.  The word 'haircut' caused meltdowns and the largest alligator tears....you can only imagine what it is like if we actually touched the hair sheers or stepped into a hair salon. When out to eat he was suddenly was complaining "it's too loud" or there's "too many people"....grocery shopping is now a nightmare. He can hear noises that I swear only dogs can hear and the quietest of sounds stop him in his tracks. He started to repeat everything said to him and remembering/following simple steps/instructions was seeming very difficult. Our mornings now require several outfit and sock changes because there always seems to be something wrong with the first one.....second one.....fourth one.......we've FINALLY won the battle on no longer wearing snow boots everywhere!

So what happened? What changed? Where did the boy that I once knew everything about go? I mentioned my concerns to our pediatrician (which let me just say that switching pediatricians has been one of the best decisions we've ever made) we agreed that the concerns warranted something more and referred us for an Occupational Therapy assessment.  Rowan's therapist is great - she recognized our concerns and addressed concerns of her own and put together a plan.............but the assessment was hard to read and a hard pill to swallow.

What is Sensory Processing Disorder and what does this mean?

It means that the boy I once memorized and knew everything about I get to soak in all the moments and memorize all over again. It means that even though his communication and academics are off the charts, emotionally and socially (in certain aspects) he's delayed. It means eating out is not an easy thing and often times meals will get eaten in the car. It means grocery shopping either gets done online or we are armed with headphones and music. It means that the fear of the unknown (in movement) will prevent Rowan from being interested in riding rides. It means that Rowan is rocking a pretty sweet mullet because the fight for a haircut is not worth the heartbreak (at least not right now). It means the McMahan Clan slows down its days and we learn to celebrate the little things.....because for Rowan....for us....they are now BIG things!
It means when he eats a hamburger for dinner and NOT chicken nuggets, a hot dog, pizza or a quesadilla is a VICTORY....it means that when he eats a blue Popsicle instead of a green Popsicle without tears we know it will be a good night. SPD for us means we will live by schedules and that we will talk through the entire every single morning and that IF something in that schedule has to change we will try and prepare Rowan as much as we can and when the change is just too much we hug him tight and let him fight the overload that is going on in his head.

SPD for us means that we will sing "You are my sunshine" 100 times every night if we have to....if that's what it takes for his sweet little mind to slow down and drift to sleep. It means the nights when his body and his mind won't stop - we will sit with him and read books all hours of the night and morning.

And so while the diagnosis is new and right now the days are so rough and a lot of mornings result in tears (from multiple people) it means we have another day to fight and to advocate for our boy. Even if play dates get cut short that means we have people in our corner encouraging us and supporting his social developments.....it means that even thought our finger painted pictures only have 4 spots on them and not a sheet covered in multi colored thumb prints that he TRIED a messy project and the minimal marks means he still didn't like it.....HE TRIED. Everyday we are learning new things all over again about our boy. Everyday will be a new journey......it's a new roller coaster ride.

Everyday is not good......but there is something good in everyday. We are so thankful for our boy - for his quirks and all the new little things that make him who he is. We are thankful for our tribe. We are thankful for our pediatrician. We are thankful for our therapist. We are THANKFUL for a kind and understanding school for Rowan. Above all we are thankful to be Rowan's parents p thankful that God saw Justin and I fit to walk these days with Rowan.

We are hopeful that there are new developments everyday for SPD. We recognize that SPD is different for each child diagnosed - we have exactly who we need to advocate, educate, celebrate and prepare Rowan.

The days are long but these years are short. We are nothing less than blessed to have this incredible boy as the light of our lives.

The story of Justin and Heather......

In a few short days Justin and I will have the privilege of celebrating 5 years of marriage!  While 5 years doesn't seem like an awful long time to most, in this day and age - 5 years is a big victory and for me personally when I re-read the pages and the chapters of our story (so far) it's the biggest victory I've ever won.

In social media posts about Justin I often mention how thankful I am for loving a person like me, for meeting me in a really dark place and helping bring me to life - for picking up the pieces of a very broken girl and helping put them back together. I don't use phrases like that lightly - when Justin and I started "dating" ( I can't say met because we've known each other since 4th grade) I was sitting at a place lower than rock bottom. I was in a place where I walked away from everything that made sense to me....I walked away from friends and I walked away from church. I needed something to feel a void that was in my life....and lucky Justin took a chance and asked me on a date (although some days I still blame the post surgery pain meds I was on) - I needed an escape and I wasn't looking for anyone and I didn't want anything with meaning.

The morning of Justin and I's first date.....I received my finalized divorce papers in the mail. Yes you read that right....divorce papers. I was fully ready to cancel our date if they didn't arrive that day because the thought of going on  a date with someone when still legally married made me sick....and instead of dealing with my heartbreak, instead of grieving one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to do....I ran to a first date....on the same day I was legally not married anymore......and 5 years later I'm saying....

I'M SO HAPPY THAT I DID!

That escape I thought I was running to....ended up being my second chance at everything - at life, at love, at happiness, at gratitude, at happily every after. I walked away from my faith and the church and Justin walked me right back to it. I walked away from my friends and Justin walked me right back to them. I sat at a place lower than rock bottom and Justin climbed back to the light with me. It wasn't an easy battle for either one of us, but he took each day one step at a time with me. He grieved difficult moments with me, he left me talk out the anger that I never discussed, he let me be crazy and questions everything he did. He let me not trust him in order to learn to trust again. He gave me hope when I had lost it all.

Our story is not some fairy tale that people hope and wish for, but it's the greatest story I've ever read. It holds truth, redemption, love, and hope. It centers Christ and the strength that only comes from Him. Our marriage is so beautiful - a marriage I never anticipated, at first never wanted and I definitely don't deserve.

I hear it almost daily that people don't know how I live the life we live, never knowing when Justin will be home, never knowing when he will work - they don't know how I deal with his line or work. The truth is - I "handle" it because Justin has handled so much more. He's the reason I wake up each morning grateful. He's the reason I wake trudge through the valleys and keep going on the days I want to give up. He is my life and everyday of every year, I am so thankful he continues to choose me. I am so thankful that he saw who I was and not who I use to be. I am so thankful that he looked past the road I once walked and paved a new way for the two of us.  And today, almost 5 years later, I am so thankful that everyday he chooses me!

Our story is just beginning and everyday I am grateful to be building this life with Justin! Happy early Anniversary Justin, life with you is one grand adventure - thank you for daily choosing me!  Looking forward to many more years of celebration with you and a trip away to Jamaica ;)