I've been forming this blog post in my head for almost a week now and kept telling myself not to write it.....not sure why but I would always walk away to do something else (probably care for my newborn but still). Then someone posted an article about having a c-section and it sparked this post in my head once again.....so here it is.
When Justin and I got married, I had a plan. Knowing that I had PCOS and thyroid issues and my doctor throwing around testing for endometriosis, I knew there could possibly be a difficulty getting pregnant (and the time I was thinking like 5 months of trying instead of getting pregnant right away) so I knew I wanted to start shortly after marriage for a baby. In my perfect plan - Justin and I would get pregnant, I would have a fairly easy pregnancy (ha- I was t planning this part, just hoping), I would go into labor and have an all natural, non medicated delivery. Once my baby was born they would be laid upon my chest for skin on skin and then I would nurse them and start this beautiful bond through breastfeeding.
My plan was seriously so screwed up when it was laid next to God's plan!
Instead of it taking 5 months to get pregnant it took 2 years....this should have been my first clue to throw my plan out the window. I did have a relatively easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, I passed my glucose test with flying colors and my baby always had the heartbeat of a champion. At 18 weeks we found out or beautiful baby BOY was healthy as could be. Rowan soon was growing large and measuring way ahead of schedule - my doctor discussed possibly having an induction closer to my due date to save from me delivering a way too large baby (I was 10lbs at birth). End of pregnancy came and due to Rowan's size (though he came "smaller" than we were thinking) and some other minor red flags popping up my doctor was no longer comfortable doing an induction and if we let me go naturally it would have put me and Rowan and potentially serious risk......so I found myself scheduled for a Caesarean section.
THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN!
I spent two days crying. Trying to come to terms with how things were now developing and praying that my water would break and I wouldn't have to go through with the surgery. Remember, I had a plan. My water never broke and labor never started so we arrived at the hospital for scheduled surgery and my son was then born. Instead of him being laid on my chest for skin to skin o watched out of the corner or my eye as doctors and nurses examined him, I heard my husband talk to him and tell him how much we already loved him. I got a 10 second glance of him before Justin and Rowan were scooted out of the operating room and I was stitched up and sent to recovery. It was an hour or longer after Rowan's birth before I got to hold him. This definitely was not in my plan.
I got to nurse Rowan in recovery and he did really well - I remember feeling some relief when I thought one part of my plan was going to pan out. I nursed while in the hospital and feared it wasn't working but the nurses were so wonderful and so encouraging - I never doubted that they didn't have my sons best interest at hand. Had there been an issuing nursing I believe they would have stepped in. We came home from the hospital and Rowan cried.....no no he screamed for over 3 hours! He wouldn't latch to nurse, in fact he wouldn't even come near me to even try. In a crying desperate state I asked Justin for a little bottle of supplemental formula - he drank it like he hadn't ate since birth. Thinking maybe he just didn't like to latch I decided that I would pump and feed him through a bottle - except the milk never came in and I couldn't pump any for him to eat. My child became a formula baby.
THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN!
No part of my original plan was working and parts of me were devastated - but on August 24, 2015 at 8:27am nothing I wanted mattered and everything was now about Rowan. So I made a new plan.
I plan to memorize your sweet little face. Every line - every dimple. I will know them by heart. I plan to memorize your cry and exactly what it may mean. On the days when you only want to sleep on chest I plan to soak in your scent and when you want held I plan to hold you as long as you want and as close to me as I can get. I plan to tell you 100x a day that I Love you and that I'm so thankful you were created and created just for us. I plan to cover you in kisses and take so many pictures that all my phone memory fills up. I plan to dream and hope for you and then once you're old enough to dream and hope on your own I plan to dream and hope even bigger.
I had a plan for you and nothing I planned worked out. So now I start over and my second plan is even bigger and better than the first. Nothing about you is what I planned but you ended up being so much more than any plan I had in my head. Until our last day together on earth I plan to love more deeply and more whole heartedly than anything I ever dreamed. You gave my life meaning and I plan to show you every second of every day just how grateful I am that you are nothing I had planned.
My easily conceived - all natural - breastfed baby who became my 2 years of infertility - c section - formula fed dream come true. You are everything my heart and life needed.
