Each morning as I prepare myself for the day and wait for Rowan to wake up I drink my coffee and I browse facebook - usually to take a look at my facebook memories from the days events of years past. This reflecting back on last years Christmas season is so emotional for me (hence why it's taken me a while to complete this blog). Our Christmas of 2014 was one of hope, one of joy, one of faith, one of frustration, one of fear, one of anxiety and above all one of great anticipation. We expected a lot during this Christmas season.
Last year at this time we were full force into our fertility battle - we were meeting with the specialists - we were doing tests - we were having blood drawn (lots of it) - we were charting temps - we were praying - and we were getting no answers. Our fertility specialists was hopeful - he was determined to work with us that by Summer 2015 we would be pregnant and expecting our long awaited joy. Little did we know that Summer 2015 we would have our baby - but at this time last year we had no clue we were expecting yet. Our doctor, in the midst of frustration from no answers and no results, in the middle of what we saw as our darkest storm, in the chaos that was surrounding us, he made us so hopeful - the kind of hope that is usually only found in the Christmas season. The kind of hope that came to us years and years and years ago in the form of a different baby.......but not my baby.
Our church in Lafayette - that we just absolutely love - sang this beautiful Christmas song a few times (I had never heard it before that church) called " A Baby Will Come" (if you've never listened to it - go youtube it RIGHT NOW - or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGIe6cSsLzg)
It's a song that tells the story - of our broken world - we were desperate - we were in need - we needed hope that a baby, the Savior would come and save our world. But in my own little sadness and mess I allowed the selfishness in me to complete forget the world, to look past all those hurting far worse than I was and allowed everything about that song, everything about those moments in church to become about ME! What about ME? What about my baby?
To the hungry and meek
To those who grieve
To the broken, in need
A baby will come
Weren't Justin and I broken? Weren't were grieving? Wasn't this song exactly about us? Why won't our baby come?
We have known pain
We’ve felt death’s sting
God, help us believe
This baby will come
We certainly knew pain all too well. Growing up I always thought children wouldn't be for me - until the doctors told me it may not ever happen - then I never wanted anything more - so I knew the pain of what felt like someone ripping my heart out of chest - the kind of pain that leaves you breathless. And as for deaths sting?? We were barely 6 weeks past the death of my grandfather - a man I loved more than life. A man who wanted nothing more than to see Justin and I have babies.....oh we felt that sting. So where is this baby that is set to come?
I was so wrapped up in selfishness and bitterness (again....I had done so well with letting go of these feelings with the hope and that faith that our time would come) but the death of my grandfather and the holidays made it all so real again. I remember those times standing in church crying - not wanting to be angry - but just aching over the fact that what I needed and what I wanted seemed so unattainable - forget what the world needed - forget that the song was about the Savior - forget everything - except for ME - what about ME? It's disgusting how much I thought only about myself - looking back now I want to kick myself for even allowing those feelings to creep in - but this is real life and everything about this story is real. I'm not proud of myself or how I handled these times - but you never really know what with strike the nerve or what will cause the pain or how your body will react until you are in the middle of it.
Christmas Eve of last year I attending the church service in my home town - something about a Christmas Eve service (anywhere) is so magical.....but I think I needed that service. Somewhere in the midst of the service, during the chorus of a well known Christmas Hymn, in a random word of the sermon - it hit me - like a ton of bricks.
The angel appeared
Said do not fear
For peace is here
A baby has come
and my heart had peace. Because thousands of years ago our world was in need a baby did come - HE - the great one came - and he brought joy and hope and peace to a hurting world. And because that baby came I could have peace that one day (I had no clue that 2.5 days later I would find out our baby was on his way) my baby would come.
As we are mere days away from Christmas - Justin and I are soaking in the love and joy of our almost 4 month old who so joyfully made his first ultrasound appearance just days after Christmas last year. We are humbled - we are blessed - we are overwhelmed that because the most babe of all came years ago - we were entrusted with this sweet baby boy - to raise - to guide - to love and to point him back to the one who gave him to us.
Maybe you can see why this post was so emotional for me - I had an ugly heart last year - I wanted everything to be about me - and God used his son to humble me - used the birth of his child to remind me - peace has come and joy/hope that never end is freely available to all.
May the love, joy and peace that comes from the birth of Jesus be up on you and your family this season. We are thankful for each and everyone of you and the roles you have played in not only Justin and I's lives but now Rowan's. You all are a special gift that adds a little extra love to our everyday.
Cause the kings of this world
Won’t have the last word
That, God, is Yours
For the Baby has come
Merry Christmas - Love, The McMahan's
