Because this is always weighing on my mind and this is a blog and your and everything on a blog.....I've decided to get real.....to get personal. Why? Because there is growth and there is healing in sharing your journey because others have been there. Because no one is ever really alone in this journey called life. I'm about to get real and I trust there will be respect for me and for Justin.
I have always loved babies....other peoples babies. So sweet, so cuddly and so adorable. Kids for me has never been a big deal. If I had kids I would love them so much and try to be the parent I could, but if I didn't have kids I would be happy and I would be content. It was an either way kind of feeling for me. Then I fell in love with Justin and he loves kids and he's awesome with kids and I saw things a little differently. If I ever had a son I could raise him to be just like Justin - a gentleman, a kind hearted man, a hard worker, a true lover and I knew my son would turn out ok because my son would just like his dad and that is a good thing. His daddy would teach him to play baseball and spend summer days playing catch and winter Sundays watching football. And then I thought....what if I had a little girl? I could out her in dresses and headbands and adorable bows. I could paint her nails and I would be her first best friend, but her dad, Justin, would be her first love. Every guy she met she would compare to her dad, which would be hard to beat. She would dance with him and tell him she wanted to marry him when she got older. She would be head over heels for her daddy.....and her daddy would be wrapped around her fingers.
I want all these things with Justin, for Justin, but we are going on a year of trying and have come to the realization that there are fertility issues. This is not easy for me, please understand this, writing this is not easy, talking about it is not easy. I'm not sure it's suppose to be easy. I initially started with medications, but it made me so sick that I stopped it. Today was a new visit and ran a panel of blood tests and meet with a doctor soon (met the NP today) to discuss our next step. I discussed today the possibility of a procedure to make sure everything is "open" and moving and we discussed possibly jumping ahead to fertility meds.
I share this because so many of you are a strong support to me, you encourage me and right now, most days I need encouragement. Justin is so great, I make light of it around him by joking, but I cry so much as well. If you are praying people I ask that you pray for Justin and I during this time of uncertainty. Praying that no matter what happens we have peace and comfort. Pray that what is meant to happen will happen. Pray that joy will come out of what seems like so dark days to me. I know some of you have been through this and I now know how hard those days must have been for you.
The next months are going to be crazy with doctor visits and discussing options, just writing this I feel like weight has been lifted. It's not really something I should be ashamed of, it's my life right now and I know that I can't do it on my own and Justin and I can't do it on our own. We love you all so much and thank you for praying us through this journey.
With soooo much love
The McMahan's
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