I'm a little bit selfish.....

It's true I am a little bit selfish.....but not usually!

I have been fairly open about Justin and I 's journey with infertility and while I share most of our story, I obviously don't share it all. I share this valley we are in with the hopes that it might be bring hope and inspiration to another young couple dealing with these same issues. I don't share everything because 1. I don't have to and 2. With each visit more things are revealed and it gets a little more difficult. 

With that being said I feel like in the last few weeks I have been very selfish towards other people. I have been short with text messages, distracted in conversations, avoided phone calls, ignored Facebook messages. I've been a little absent. I've always grown up being the tough one, the strong one, I've always felt like I needed to be for my family, for my friends. People always knew I was the shoulder they could turn to and that I would be strong enough to support them. When my grandfather passed away I didn't shed a tear, at first, not because I wasn't sad (honestly I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and the shock was so overpowering that I don't think I could cry), but because everyone around me was crying and someone had to provide the hugs and remind them that he was in a much better place. Months later I finally had my break down. 

I've been selfish because for right now, I'm not the strong one, and I don't want to be the strong one. I want to be selfish, for a little while. I want to grieve my hurt over the realization of what will probably never be, not in the way I always imagined. I want to be selfish and only think about Justin and I, to only think about us, our future and what our days ahead of us hold. 

I want to say sorry to my friends and family who I have been short with or who I have ignored, but for today I'm not fully sorry. I want to be the weak one, just for a little while. I want to cry for an hour if that's how I feel, I want to sit in total silence, if that's how I feel. I promised my best friend Holly I wouldn't throw myself a pity party and though that's what it sounds like I'm doing, I'm not. I'm grieving, I'm thinking, I'm praying, I'm loving my husband. I'm being a little selfish for me, for my heartache. But I'm only selfish when I'm alone, I refuse to let my hurt affect my everyday with people and I don't write this so people feel sorry when they see me. 

I write this so people know why I've been absent recently. My mind is in a different place. My heart is hurting. My husband and I learning new reasons why we love each other and finding new ways and reasons to lean on each other. 

I promise I will be me again.....fully

We love you all so much!!!

Justin and Heather