Broken? Punished?

I haven't updated in a couple weeks and I apologize. I haven't been able to find the words to write an update. Things with the adoption are progressing well. Justin and I have our first foster parent licensing class on June 10th. We are very excited for this.

I have peace about the adoption, we have excitement for the adoption. We know we are blessed, but I have struggled so much with my own personal worth and self image over this whole ordeal. As a woman, God created me to do some very powerful and wonderful things, but my body can't do those things. While I know that God created women to birth children, I also know that for some reason, some reason I may ever know the answer to, some answer that I think is so stupid and frustrating, God created me to NOT be able to birth children.  No clue why and most days I really wish I did. But it's hard for me to look in the mirror most days and not feel disappointed, not feel broken, not feel abused.  It's hard for me to look in the mirror and to not think of myself as less of a woman.

I remember in college telling some co-workers that I didn't plan on having children (I mentioned this in my first post about our infertility) and some crazy woman that I worked with yelled at me and scolded me about this decision, telling me it was a sin and that the Bible states that I, as a woman, was created for the purposes of being a wife and a mother.  (If those were my sole purposes I want to know why I'm so far in student loan debt).  Anyways I was mortified, and then fast forward several years and I can't have children (wonder how that woman would feel today).  I have struggled with wondering if I am being punished for some reason, is my infertility a punishment for my years of turning my back? for my moments of rebellion? Why am I being punished?  I've time and time again that infertility is not a punishment, and deep in my heart I know it's not a punishment, but for those of you who haven't walked in the same shoes I'm in, try to stand in my shoes. Try to be a wife and tell your husband you will never have his children, that the kids you raise will not be of your own blood and genes. Try to look at yourself in the mirror and not think "I'm broken".

I make some many jokes and quick comments regarding the infertility, because honestly if I didn't I would cry - all day - every day. 

You see, I am at peace about the adoption. But I'm not totally at peace with the infertility.  One day I will be able to look in the mirror and not think so negatively about myself, one day I will fully see I am not being punished.

Because you see - just as God has chosen a special child for me - God has chosen Justin and I for this special child.

I just need to see past the brokenness. 



We love you all - we appreciate your support, your encouragement and all your love....#mcbaby will be here faster than we can imagine. We can't wait.

Justin+Heather